


Tom Sawyer

by axolotlNerd, SirChinnigan



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Abuse, Attempted Murder, Blood, Blow Jobs, Choking, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Dead People, Don't Read This, Dubious Consent, Dubiously Consensual Blow Jobs, F/M, Gore, Hand Jobs, Horror, Kinda, Murder, Puppy Play, SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP GUYS, Stalking, Stockholm Syndrome, Torture, Vomiting, no really, seriously tell me to stop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2018-09-25 07:43:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 61,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9809831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/axolotlNerd/pseuds/axolotlNerd, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SirChinnigan/pseuds/SirChinnigan
Summary: I never meant to become his stalker.I just loved him so much.I just want to love him.





	1. Today's Tom Sawyer.

I’m not a bad person.

I’m not crazy either.

I’m not this kind of a person.

I was never one of those people who was interested in “Famous People” sure there were a few actors that I liked, but that was because they just tended to be in good things, so I would coincidentally see whatever they were in, maybe enough to learn their name at best. But still, I wasn’t the type of person to post their pictures on my walls, or sigh over the latest dreamy singer and pretend he was my husband fantasizing about worlds that would never exist.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that, lots of people feel that way and eventually grow out of it or embrace it in their own little ways, but as long as they’re happy right?

Maybe I just went in reverse, too serious when I was young but finding more of that fantasy freedom as I got older?

I’m a good person really I swear.

REALLY.

It wasn’t even my fault, I got into Game Grumps thanks to some other friends who just kept pushing and pushing it at me, I watched it a few times, never really getting hooked, but watching just enough to keep up with my friends strange inside jokes.

It wasn’t a BIG THING, not at first.

It wasn’t until I saw Dan on table flip that I felt my heart suddenly go all pitter patter at him. Hearing his voice on the show didn’t do anything for me, even after seeing him acting in his silly videos he still didn’t quite click with me any more than any other actor or actress did. It wasn’t until I saw him really smile while playing with his friends, making jokes, how his face lit up when he wasn’t thinking of performing, how he would have these little soft smirks when no one was looking.

That’s when my interest was first piqued beyond what was usual at least for me.

So I looked him up on youtube, seeing him joke with people at conventions, how gentle he was towards his grandmother when he interviewed her, how open he was about his own mental illness and life struggles.

This is where it all started, he put so much of himself out there that I couldn’t help but get to know him. 

Maybe I’d never met him in person before but I KNEW him.

How could I not? Listening to his stories, his life, his little worries? Isn’t that what knowing someone is all about?

I spent hours, days, weeks listening to him talk, cheering him on and supporting him just as any friend or family member would.

Only I was separated by a computer screen.

I knew every inch of him better than many of his lovers even did, from his sparse chest hairs to the scar along his hip, I even knew what his bare ass looked like and I had a good idea about everything else.

After all spandex really doesn’t leave all that much to the imagination.

Even with all that it was never meant to get this far.

But it was so easy to find his house.

I’m a little surprised that no one had done this, or maybe lots of people did things like this but no one talked about it.

I mean knew I would never share this information with anyone else, never tell anyone that I’d done it. This was just to ease that itching inside my head, that little “What if, what if, what if” on repeat over and over that made me even bother to look, bother to hunt, and when I reached my goal I told myself “Okay that’s enough.”

It’s never enough it seems.

I sat in the back of my rented car, the windows in the back tinted so he couldn’t see me as he left his house, my heart pounding in my chest realizing that I was right, that this was where he lived, that if I just jumped into the front seat I could follow him to work, I’d know…

I’d know EVERYTHING.

But no, no that would be wrong, that would be too much.

Another line in the sand I drew hoping that maybe THIS ONE I wouldn’t cross.

—  
   
No one is ever home at 1 in the afternoon.

A quick walk around the house, no big deal, just a peak into the windows confirming sights that I already had vague ideas of thanks to the backgrounds of photo’s.

I could even see one of the gifts I’d sent him, on a shelf with others. A shuddering breath of pleasure rippling through me knowing that he liked it.

/he likes me/

I wasn’t going to STEAL anything, I just wanted to see if he was the type to lock his doors.

He was.

Dan might have been a huge goofball but he thankfully wasn’t stupid. I was glad, who knew what kind of crazy fan might try to break in if they ever figured out where he lived.

/like you?/

No, no I was just here to SEE, just CURIOUS about it all, maybe a little obsessed but…

I’m NOT a bad person.

My brain would just itch with a question and I would NEED to answer it. It didn’t itch like that often, but when it did it was impossible not to scratch it, I could be left awake for weeks on end until I answered some mundane question in my head.

Thank god I lived in the age of the internet since Wikipedia could usually satisfy me, but there was no article big enough to really scratch whatever was happening inside me when it came to Dan Avidan.

—  
   
I never meant to do it again, just the one time I’d sworn to myself. 

I’d repeat that every time I drove past, sitting there in the car watching for when he left or returned home. It was as close to hanging out with him that I would ever get.

I wasn’t that bad!

I still had my job, my appearances, it’s not like I dropped everything just to watch him, but sometimes I’d take a long route to work to drive past his house and see if he was in or not, maybe if I had a few hours at lunch I’d check out past the Grump space to see what he was up to.

Nothing too far out of my way, not often enough that anyone would ever notice, but enough to calm that stirring feeling in me.

His schedule was hard to follow but after a long enough time of watching him I knew there were some things he always did on time.

When he want to swim, when he went to practice guitar, everything else seemed to be very “Whenever” but once he left the house he was usually gone for at least 4 hours, never returning before then, so I could adjust my shifts at work, figure out traffic, generally know when I could catch him and then go about my life feeling easier and better thanks to catching that little privet sight of him.

And of course parts of his schedule would be online, when he was gone to conventions, when he would be doing a charity stream, when they were doing live shows. Normally I too would be at these events, pouring all my money and time to be as close to him as I could, but still always holding myself back. I didn’t want to be one of those fans that tried to shove myself into his life, I never wanted to make him uncomfortable.

And I didn’t go to every show, sometimes I had work or didn’t have the money to go and that didn’t bother me so much, if I couldn’t make it I’d take a swing past his house, just to check up on it, take a gander through the windows to see if anything had been changed.

Make sure he remembered to lock the doors.

It was just, something that was fun and easy to do. Following him around when I could, learning everything about him. I probably knew as much about him as Arin did, maybe even as much as his own parents.

I love him so of course you want to know everything about the people you love right?

Right??

Nothing wrong with that.

I watched him as he left the house, guitar case in hand, it wasn’t a usual practice day but sometimes he went to the studio, probably working on some sick jams with Brian. I wished I could hang out with them then, I wouldn’t want to get in the way and it wasn’t like I was musically inclined enough to add anything, but just to sit there, be the fly on the wall of some of those sessions, hear the rifts and lyrics that never made it out of the notebook he often carried with him.

I was kind of planning on following him, just wanting to confirm where he was going today, maybe he did change his guitar lesson times? It wasn’t until he pulled away that I realized that I hadn’t seen him lock the front door.

I bit my lip, it would be mean of me to know that his door was open and just leave, what if someone else robbed him? I would feel so bad if that happened!

Looking both ways before crossing the street I walked with purpose up to his front door and like I’d done a million times before I checked the lock partially expecting like every time before for the doorknob to stop with a tug and hold fast.

Only this time it didn’t.

I was doing him a favour by locking his door, it would be polite of him to invite me in…  
It was almost too much. I felt like I was on holy ground, quiet and reverent I gently tip-toed my way through the house, looking at the living room and kitchen, making my way to his bedroom.

“Oh Dan… Such a guy…” I smiled softly seeing how his bed was a crumpled unmade mess, some of his clothes on the floor.

It wasn’t made so he wouldn’t notice if I laid in it, just for a moment, so I did, breathing deeply against his pillow, smelling his shampoo, the scent of his detergent, and under all that his body.

A shudder ran through me, making me feel dizzy and drunk with arousal. I pressed the heel of my palm into my crotch over my cloths stifling a moan into his pillow taking one last deep breath before I tore myself away.

Even I had to admit it’d be too creepy to masturbate in his bed.

A part of me wanted to clean up for him, after all wouldn’t that be nice to come home to the laundry done and bed made? But, I knew he wouldn’t delightedly think some kindly house elves had done it, and the last thing I wanted was for him to move because he was scared someone had broken in. While I was sure it would be just as easy to find his next place I didn’t want to ever make him feel uncomfortable, or inconvenience him with the need to leave.

Sighing I went into the bathroom, needing to splash some cold water on my face, cool down a bit before I left.

As I turned off the pipes I heard a strange clanging noise.

/Oh… That’s unfortunate./ I thought assuming there was some problem with his plumbing.  
The clanging continued and I started to get a little worried, had I broken something? Maybe he didn’t use this bathroom for that very reason? What if he came home and it was still making noise? What if it was leaking somewhere?

I looked under the sink to make sure that it wasn’t leaking there and then followed the sound to a door in the hall.

Opening it there was a staircase leading down into the basement where the clanging came again even louder this time followed by some other strange noises.

It sounded like a dog whining? I thought he had decided against having pets since he didn’t have the time for it, I hadn’t seen him walking a dog either.

The itch was back, this was something I didn’t know and I felt that it was important that I did. After all it was important for me to know everything about him, all these little secrets.

Slowly I went down the stairs, feeling against the wall for a light switch, finally seeing a cord hanging down in the dim lighting from upstairs, a single bulb harshly lighting the room and the source of the noise.

A woman on the floor, her arms bound behind her back tied to a pipe that she was clanging the cuffs against, between the clangs she would stop and scream muffled into her gag, moaning and shaking in fear. Her legs were unbound, but the blackened swelling along her calves and thighs was a clear indication as to why she hadn’t tried kicking the pipe to break free, why even if she wasn’t chained down she’d be unable to stumble up the stairs.

Well that and she was blindfolded with a ballgag in her mouth.

I stood there dumbfounded for probably a stupid amount of time, I’d always prided myself on being pretty quick thinking on my feet, but I was so unbelievably not expecting this that she was able to clang against the pipe three more times before the harsh sound woke me up from the stupor I was in.

“Ah Let me!” I moved to pull the blindfold off her face, she blinked at me, flinching against the light and against me touching her at first until she realized that I wasn’t who she was expecting, but I didn’t seem to calm her by being there, tears steamed out of her eyes as she struggled harder making it difficult to get the gag out of her mouth.

“GET AWAY!!” She screamed at me as I finally pulled the ball out of her mouth continuing to wail for me to leave her alone as I held up my hands trying to calm her down.

“What? I…” Was I mistaken? Was this some weird fucked up BDSM scene? “Are you okay I…”  
She screamed just as I noticed a shadow moving in the corner of my eye barely flinching away from it before everything exploded in pain along my shoulder knocking me to the ground.

“Shit, I really am not much of an athlete. Got zero fucking aim.” Dan was standing there with a baseball bat and that beautiful wry grin on his lips as he looked down at me. “Was aiming for your head.” He joked lightly swinging the bat gently through the air as though he was practicing with his technique.

My mouth opened but no sound came out, I was caught in some weird space of “fuck my arm” and “Fuck he’s a psycho” and “Fuck he’s TALKING TO ME!!!” with the first and third options oddly blurring out the middle.

He barked a sharp “Shut up!” to the woman his long leg swinging out to kick her in the stomach knocking the breath out of her to keep her silent before he turned to me with a sigh.  
“I don’t know who you are or why you’re here but you had to just go and fuck everything up didn’t you? Well!” He raised the bat again coming towards me, I tried to scramble back, wanting to get away, not wanting to believe that this was Dan, Dan Avidan, the man I was madly in love with, the soft, gentle, goofy guy who I wanted so badly could be here, talking to me, making those same silly faces while he was readying to bash my head in.

“Please- I-“  
“Now be good and hold still”  
“I-I LOVE YOU!” I cried out flinching and closing my eyes from the inevitable pain that I knew was coming feeling silence echo around me.

Slowly peeling open one eye I felt flushed with embarrassment as he looked down at me, frozen in his assault, not making the final blow that in this instant I might have gratefully taken, instead his head cocking slightly to the side, a truly puzzled look on his face.

“What?”

“I-I love you! I'm-I’m sorry, your door was unlocked and I noticed and I just wanted to lock it for you and-and I never meant to come in but I did and I know, I know it’s kind of creepy but I love you, I’ve loved you for so long I just wanted to see a little more an- I- I’m sorry but I just loved you so much and I just… I’m sorry”

I didn’t even want to see the look on his face right then. Would it be pitying? Disgusted? Horrified? I didn’t want to know what he thought of me, not wanting to break the illusion I had about what it would have been like if we’d ever met. It was one of the reasons why for all the shows I went to I never tried to talk to him or get his attention because I was scared of this exact moment, of him knowing how I felt and me seeing him react to it.  
I knew it was too late to go back now, so I could only hope…

At this point I was no longer sure what I was hoping for.

“I promise I won’t tell anyone, I never wanted to hurt you, I’m s-so s-sorry.” I could feel my voice getting thick as I tried not to cry, my arm hurt a lot but it wasn’t the pain that was making my eyes burn with tears, it was just the shame. My idol, my love, my Dan, KNOWING how I felt now, and probably feeling nothing but angrily violated by me being here. “Please don’t hate me.”

I sniffled, looking down, blind with tears and actually looking forward to him bashing my head in, as I heard him sigh and a soft clunk of the bat tapping the floor, looking only at his feet, feeling even worse because he took his shoes off at the door and here I was wandering around his house in sneakers like a jackass. My mind abuzz with a thousand different thoughts, of course latching onto the most useless of details.  
Looking up a little higher at the woman in the back of my head I knew if I got out of here I would have to report this, feeling just a little guilty because I was lying about keeping his secret… I’d kept a lot of his secrets of other things I’d found out, cherished bits of knowledge that were just for me, but this one?

Probably too big.

“You’re a fan?”

I nodded and mumbled something about the gifts I’d sent him, the letters that I hoped he’d read, the events that I had gone to and seen him at. After a pause he made a appreciative humming noise with a soft-

“Oh… I... I remember you!” Making me look up with hope, he remembered seeing me? Getting my gifts? I was actually someone he was conscious of?

“C’mon then… Lets go upstairs and we’ll talk okay?” He held out his big hand for mine, helping me to my feet with a gentle smile, still smiling as the woman started making noises again, begging to be let free, begging for help. I tried not to look at her, keeping my focus on Dan. Part because I was still in a haze of pain and fangirling, part because I knew if I was going to make it out of this in one piece I needed Dan to trust me.

“Just ignore her it’ll be okay I’m taking care of her.” Dan said softly in such a kind manner while he started going up the stairs. I gave her a look and a tiny smile that I hoped was a little reassuring as I followed him up.

“I’m really sorry again, it’s really okay? You’re not mad?” I asked at the top of the stairs my heart soaring, a small wiggle thought in the back of my head that maybe I was wrong about all of this, maybe things would be fine, this was all a misunderstanding and maybe this would be the start of something great between us...

He turned to me at the top of the staircase with a light giggle.

“What are you stupid? I’m fucking furious.” He said cheerily, a smile still plastered on his face.

Blindness struck me, my head snapping back, my body following the motion. I had a sensation of flying, the idle realization that he'd punched me and that I was falling back down into the basement before everything jolted and I started to sink into pain.

A woman’s wails fading into the void.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is basically the Korean online Manwah "Killing Stalking" so if you read it you know what's coming, if you haven't spoilers.


	2. Mean, mean stride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't guessed it and aren't paying attention this is based heavily on "Killing Stalking" the Korean online manwah. I'm deviating here and there but for the most part I'll be following that plot heavily.
> 
> JAN 2018: I edited this chapter, not much changed but the ending a bit.
> 
> WARNING: Gore, Murder, Dubious Consent, Torture

A heartbeat.

My heartbeat.

My whole body throbbing in one giant pulse of pain was what brought me up quickly to a consciousness that I didn’t want to be a part of. Brain fuzzy, my mouth tasted sour like I’d thrown up. I couldn’t remember drinking but the way everything ached and my head pounded I couldn’t imagine that I’d done anything else except the biggest, drunkenest raging bender of my life.

It wasn’t like me but I couldn’t make my brain function enough to come up with any other reason for this level of discomfort.

Opening my eyes it was dim, almost impossible to see but, I could make out someone next to me. Confused panic flared in my chest, stifled only by pain and a dizziness that warned me not to move.

I totally couldn’t remember taking someone home, how drunk must I have been to have done something like that? Then again I couldn’t remember drinking either, had I been drugged?

That was when I realized I wasn’t in my bed, or any bed at all, but instead on a cold hard floor.

Slowly trying to push myself up I was held back not by my body but from something else, my hands making a clinking sound and catching, refusing to move from their position which now I wasn’t really aware of their awkward position behind me. Numb from lack of movement, masked by the overall discomfort I was already in, now that I was wiggling them the pins and needles feeling radiating from my shoulder to fingertips made me pause and really take stock of myself.

The cuffs on my wrists.  
The pain in my back and head.  
The cool cement along my body.

I was naked.  
I was in a basement.  
I was hurt.

And as much as I didn’t want to think about it, I didn’t think the person next to me was breathing.

That’s what really pushed me over into a panic.

/oh fuck/ My brain oh so helpfully supplied on a repeat cycle as I tried to wriggle away from the body.

However the moment I moved I felt like I’d been electrocuted.

My leg was wrong, a searing pain worse than anything I’d ever felt before shooting up it, taking over every thought I had, I screamed, a gross wailing between gasps of air that never really seemed to quench the breathless need of me to keep screaming, hoping to find some relief from my newfound agony in the noise, or maybe that someone would come to help me. My arm, now that the numbness was fading into an aching static burn, wasn’t much better, even though it was throbbing, it was duller than the electric feel in my leg.

But still wrong, so wrong.

I let out a low moan gagging as the light suddenly came on blinding me at first, but once the nausea and sun spots faded it gave me a full view of the body in front of me.

If my stomach hadn’t already been completely empty I would have vomited then, still I gagged hard, my screams finally cut off by coughing, choking on nothing.

The woman’s face was a bloody mess, beaten in to the point that it looked like she was wearing a mask made of raw meat, her neck at an unnatural angle. I could barely make out her eyes staring dully at me.

Or, eye, more specifically, the other seemed to be nothing more than a pulpy mashed section of red meat.

“Hey there!” A far too familiar bubbly voice popped up by my feet, I ripped my eyes away to look, just glad to have an excuse to pry myself away from what was left of the woman.

Dan was sitting on the stairs grinning, watching me like there wasn’t a thing wrong in the world and he was just happy to be there.

“G’Morning sleepy head! Boy when you’re out you. Are. Out! You had me a little worried there, barely even a peep the whole night.”

He giggled and got up walking closer giving the body an almost gentle kick, like he was trying to wake her or get her attention, his head turning back to me.

“Not like this noisy bitch, god you have no idea how much she screamed, you really got her worked up last night, would NOT shut up about you. Begging and pleading for you to get up and help her.” He tisked with another giggle. “Gotta be honest made me a little jealous, certainly made me bored with her a lot faster than usual, and MUCH more interested in you my friend.”

I bit my tongue not sure what to think right then, my brain foggy from pain and confusion, this had to be a bad dream, Dan was there, he was talking to me, but he was a killer? But he was being kinda nice?

Everything hurt so much I could barely breath let alone think.

He sat down cross legged between me and the woman giving me a brief moment of relief from having to look at her, until he pulled out my cellphone, a new kind of horrified panic clawing up my throat.

“You know it’s kinda dangerous to not put any kind of password on your phone, I mean especially considering the pictures you’ve got on here.” He said with a teasing grin making me go red with humiliation.

He’d seen the pictures…

I had over 100GB on my phone and it was almost full, I’d collected every picture of him that I could possibly find on the internet, downloaded all his videos, plus the videos I’d filmed myself of him at a distance. My whole collection, my whole WORLD that was HIM was on that phone and he’d looked through it.

He’d seen it.

He knew.

“Man some of these brought back memories, like you got shots from back when I was in Northern Hues, fuck how did you even find some of these? That’s really…” He smiled and bit his lip looking at me, making me feel a little fuzzy with how gentle and somewhat pleased he looked, giving me hope that maybe it was okay until he slapped that emotion down with a cruel curl of his lips, “Really super creepy like wow… You really are a stalker huh?”

“I- I-“ Trying to think of some excuse I stammered like an idiot, I really had no excuse he’d caught me just as red-handed as I’d caught him.

I actually hoped right then that he would kill me, it was better than facing the harsh reality of his discovery.

I was barely eased when he patted my leg with a grin making me snap my mouth shut with a hiss of pain.

“Hey now, no worries, I’m not gonna completely throw stones, not in my glass house that’s for sure.” He gave an easy shrug as if you were talking about anything else other than the fact that he was admitting to be as sick as I was.

Sicker really, I just loved him maybe a little too much.

He fucking KILLED someone.

“Oh by the by- Your boss called too while you were out.”

A flare of hope sparked in me, someone had noticed I was gone! I didn’t know what day it was but I must have missed work. Jim was a nice enough guy, he’d notice that something was off right? He’d absolutely call the cops! They’d find the GPS on my rental car, or maybe track the phone itself and then…

Dan hummed trying to find the right words and drawing my attention back to him, his look pained, promptly killing that hope that was fluttering in in chest.

“Sorry but uh, looks like you got fired? I mean fuck I can only imagine how long it takes to get here from your place, and you’ve been here a lot from the looks of things.” He wiggled my phone implying the amount of photos and videos I had, the dates and times on them which did give a clear impression of how often I did this. “Guess you were late just a few-too-many-times? He said your last checks in the mail and don’t bother to come in again.”

Dan shrugged and scratched his head as my body, held tight with the belief that salvation was coming, slumped back down in defeat. I couldn't stop myself from shaking trying uselessly to blink back the tears forming in my eyes.

“Oh no, don’t cry, it’s okay! Is this your first time?”

“W-what?” I rasped out, my throat tight with emotion, I could barely follow what he was saying between the dizzying pain and the deep hopelessness spinning around me.

“Your first time being fired? I’ve been fired lots of times too. I know it’s really tough, especially the first time, but it’s not as big of a deal as you think, you’ll be okay.”

I coughed, startled clear out of sadness, staring at him, slack-jawed at what he was saying.  
If I’d been a more confident person, and maybe in less pain I would have unloaded on him, my brain spitting out the clearest thought it had, screaming at him //It was okay?? It wasn’t a big deal?? He was probably going to kill me and he was trying to make me feel better about LOSING MY JOB?//

I didn’t say anything and had no idea what he must have been thinking as my mouth moved silently, opening and closing like a fish trying to work out words. Luckily either he was ignoring me, or interpreting my expression in an entirely different manner.

He talked for a bit then, telling me a familiar story about how he’d fucked up at a job and was also told not to come back in, I was in too much shock to comment, numbly listening to his words.

“I found your car outside too, don’t worry I returned it to the rental place so you wouldn’t get charged with theft or anything, fee’s I guess, you still had a day on it so that’s good. Oh also I made sure to grab all your stuff from the back of it too. I mean not much really there but I cleaned it out.”

He grinned like he’d done me a favour instead of sealing my fate to die here unknown and unlooked for. I sobbed finally breaking eye contact with him, a slow dark creeping of reality sinking in.

I was going to die.

“Hey now, don’t be sad, I know you must be really embarrassed that I went through all your stuff but look at you! I mean I wouldn’t really encourage stalking but still, you chased your dreams and got what you wanted didn’t you? My attention? You should be happy so come on, smile!”

He grinned in a way that sent a chill through my body, making me feel scared to do anything but hesitantly force my face into a grimacing smile back, tears were still leaking out of my eyes but I was back in control of myself, my mind a little more clear, knowing I needed to play along with his delusion if I wanted to live. I didn’t even flinch when he reached out and gently touched my cheek, wiping away some of my tears.

If anything I leaned into it, strangely feeling calmer at the kind touch, letting myself fall into the fantasy once more that this was all a mistake, a bad dream, to enjoy the fact that Dan Avidan was here, was touching me, that despite everything he was being kind.

“See look at that, you’re really cute when you smile.”

It was so weird hearing that from him.

“Anyway, you kinda cut my relationship with this bitch short.” He gave a little jerk of the head to the body behind him but I tried not to look, not wanting to remember her, not wanting to think of anything but his large hand cupping my cheek, thumb rubbing away my tears. “Can’t be mad at you for that though, she was pretty boring in the end. Was definitely faking her interest in me and fuck if I just- Ah maybe it’s because I’m older now but I am tired of fake women pretending to like me just to get something out of me y’know? Less afraid to cut em loose when I’m done with them, once I know they don’t really want to stay.”

I stayed quiet, watching him for any indication that he was legitimately wanting me to answer. He seemed to be talking more to himself than me, maybe he was used to just rambling considering his profession, it was weird in a very thrilling way to hear his voice this close.  
It was so perky and joyful.

So hard to believe everything surrounding us.

“Aanyway, enough moaning about me! Are you hungry?” He got up and went back over to the stairs grabbing a bowl.

“You puked after you hit your head. Concussion I guess, but I dunno, unlike Brian I’m not a doctor.” He joked coming back and standing over me, one foot on either side of my hips. “You were asleep like since yesterday, so you gotta be starving right? C’mon can you sit up?”

He nudged my hip with his foot grinning and joking for me to “Work those abs” as I struggled to sit up, but between the pain and being unable to sit up with my arms firmly cuffed behind my back I was at best able to wriggle around helplessly before I finally gave up with an exhausted whimper.

Realizing that sitting up of my own accord was not going to happen Dan dropped down, straddling my hips to kneel over me, putting down the bowl he pulled me up, close enough that I could smell him, hugging me to his chest to keep balance while he reached behind me undoing my cuffs. I leaned into his shoulder, breathing him in deeply, smelling the familiar soap from his bed, the musk of his sweat, but also something else, metallic and bitter, tickling in familiarity that I couldn’t yet place.

“There we go is that better?”

“Y-yes… Thank you.” Able to hold myself up in the sitting position I felt a little put out that he pulled away, but also a terrible burn of arousal since he was still very close, basically sitting in my lap.

/don’t fucking think that way he’s a KILLER he, he—/ I tried to convince myself that he was terrible and yet here he was being nice and gentle.

He thought I was cute…

“Here open your mouth.” Dan had the bowl back in his hand, mimicking his own mouth open to convince me to trust him enough open mine. “It’s okay see?” He put a spoon of the food in his mouth showing that it wasn’t poisoned or tampered with in any way. I could smell it now that it was so close, familiar maple and cinnamon.

“It’s just porridge. Don’t worry, I made it with water and not milk cus I don’t know if you’re lactose intolerant or anything.”

“I-I’m not…” I whispered watching him carefully as he loaded up another spoon and went ‘ah’ towards me even going as far as to joke "Here comes the airplane."

I obeyed but still almost choked, part because it was stone cold, but mostly because that spoon had been in his mouth.

Dan fucking Avidan was feeding me like a small child.

My face went red with the stupidest thoughts of /holy shit it’s an indirect kiss/ and fireworks splashing through my brain as I chewed and swallowed caught somewhere between heaven and hell.

“How is it?”

“It’s okay…” I lied with a small smile, he was right, I was hungry after not eating since breakfast yesterday, and it was at least sweet, but just the texture of it, plus it was a little overcooked and cold…

And I wasn’t really a fan of porridge to begin with.

My smile vanished at the frown on his face.

“Just okay?”

“Um…” I blinked trying to read his blank expression at all but getting nothing. “I mean it’s-It’s good?”

I let out a yelp as he dropped the bowl and grabbed my face, the contents splattering over my bare chest as he squeezed my jaw to force my lips open jamming the spoon into my mouth deep and hard enough to make me gag.

“JUST okay? JUST Good? IT SHOULD BE DELICIOUS You ungrateful cunt! The only reason you get to taste ANYTHING is because I am LETTING YOU. Do you think SHE wouldn’t like to eat something?”

Twisting his hand he jerked my head to the side making me look over at the body next to me that I had been desperately trying to pretend wasn't there.

“This was HER FOOD and now YOU get it and you just think it’s OKAY?”

He grabbed the bowl and stood up dumping whatever was left in it onto me continuing to yell and call me names punctuating his vicious words with sharp kicks to my exposed ribs.

“Aren’t you happy you fucking stalker? Isn’t this what you’ve always wanted? Aren’t you GLAD to be with me?” He snapped staring down at me as I cowered.

“Y-yes!” I flinched away from him as he got up and yelled, but was looking up at him now, hoping that he would see the love I had, the love I STILL had for him in my eyes as I tried not to cry, trying to ignore the pain in my entire body, ignore the woman bloody and cold on the ground, ignoring his anger, hoping against hope that this was what he wanted. “I’m happy, I’m so Happy! So- So grateful!”

Tears slid down my cheeks as he looked down the clench of his jaw barely relaxing, I screamed as he threw the bowl smashing it against the wall and, cowering as he then came at me, kneeling down over me, grabbing the sides of my hair and pulling me close staring deep into my eyes.

“Are you?”

“G-God yes, yes!” I hoped he would see the truth in that statement, I hoped that’s what he wanted me to say. I was alive and in this moment I felt that could quickly change.

One hand still painfully in my hair, the other wrapped around my throat, his fingers more than long enough to nearly wrap one handed the entire way around, I grabbed onto his wrist unable to pry it away as he squeezed.

“What do you want?”

“Nothing- Nothing!”

That was the wrong answer as his grip tightened, brows furrowing with more anger.

“Nothing? Then what the fuck are you even alive for?”

Digging my nails into his wrist my heart pounding in my ears I couldn’t even gurgle any argument, everything fading into grey around the edges.

“Why fight if theres nothing you want? What do you want?”

What did I want? Right then I wanted to breathe but that was too small, what did I want? What was I living for? Why was I fighting?

I must have said something because his grip loosened enough for the darkness to peel back, the rush of blood and air clearing my mind enough to beg just as he clearly wanted me to.

“You! I want you.” My voice rasped, still barely able to communicate with the tight squeeze around my neck. “Always- Always you.”

Maybe it was still the wrong answer, but it was the only one I had.

Darkness trickled back, I could feel the wetness of his blood on my fingertips as I’d clawed my short nails into his arms as best I could while he squeezed again, nothing existing in the room except the fading light and how close his eyes were…

Warmth, soft heat, partial light, and blessed oxygen to my dizzy brain that wasn’t getting much more focused because it could not believe what was happening.

He couldn’t be. He WOULDN’T.

I was a stalker.

I was dirty, disgusting, and covered in food, my mouth probably tasted like vomit, and I hadn’t bushed my teeth in who knew how long and yet he.

was.

kissing.

me?

I could taste the maple from the bite porridge he’d eaten himself, the scratch of his stubble lightly against my lips as he moved.

Gingerly I let go of his forearm, making a grab to his shirt for balance as he shifted closer. The hand around my throat moving to the back of my head to keep me in place, the other that had been pulling mercilessly at my hair now loose, untangling itself to cradle my head.  
I actually tipped forward, chasing his lips as he pulled back, blinking owlishly at him while he studied me with a serious look in his eye and a silly grin on his lips.

“Y’know I’ve always had a rule about not dating fans.” He mumbled, once again speaking more to himself than to me, his hands once more gentle and his manner once again calm. “And I can’t promise this isn’t just relationship rebound but-“

I couldn’t really follow what he was talking about, everything was a blur, he’d pulled back enough that I could focus on more than just his face, looking at my hands and seeing the blood on his arm, the deep claw marks that even my short nails had left in a desperate cling to life.

“-be okay with that?”

“Uh?” I looked back at him, his voice had faded out and I hadn’t been listening to what he said so I dumbly nodded watching his expression, hoping that agreement was what he wanted.  
I was a fool then for thinking him looking happy was a good thing, but how he smiled then, despite all my pain and fear it could make me mirror him and grin as well.

“We’ll start slow okay, right from the beginning yeah?”

“I uh- Of course.”

Helping me to lean against the wall he stood up then, looking down at me, thinking.

“If we’re going to move forward with this relationship I really want to be able to trust you, so you’re going to have to be totally honest with me all the time okay?”

I nodded watching him carefully as he paced thinking to himself, talking to me in a way. “I really, don’t jump in and out of relationships this fast you know? Not anymore at least. So I’ll still need a little time to just, process and move on.”

“Of- Of course.” I chimed in drawing my good leg closer to myself to get more comfortable.  
The movement caught his attention and he stared at me.

“How are your arms?”

“Oh uh…” He wanted honesty? Or did he want a lie like with the porridge? “They’re sore but I’m okay.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” I was quiet, barely a squeak because I wasn’t sure if that was the safe answer.  
He nodded, his face neutral and still thinking, biting at his lip, almost like he was nervous.

“Yeah, yeah it can’t be comfortable sleeping like that, probably not good for you either. I think it would be best to leave you un-cuffed.”

I perked at that, looking from his pacing, to the stairs, to my leg.  
It was already a swollen purple lump, I couldn’t wiggle my toes which meant something was seriously damaged, but the electric pain had dulled into a deep throb and between my arms and my other leg if he left me down here I could probably make it up the stairs.

I could still escape.

Looking back at him I paled, seeing him watching me, looking at the stairs, like he could read my mind.

“I told you we need to be totally honest.”

“I-I know.”

He gave a pause of deep thought and then stated matter of factly:  
“I’m going to break your other leg.”

“What?!”

He turned walking towards the workbench that was in the corner while I floundered. “What? Dan… Danny no. No, no, no.” Scrambling with my good leg and freed arms I flopped to the ground and started crawling toward the stairs.

I didn’t make it far before the wind was knocked out of me with a kick to the ribs, cutting off my begging with a gasp, but not for long as he stepped directly onto my good leg making me increase the pitch and intensity at which I begged him to stop, screaming for him not to do it.  
He ignored me, smiling jovially as he raised the bat above his head. “When you’re not honest with the one you love you can only blame yourself when you get hurt. I need to teach you to be honest with me before we can think about starting a relationship.”

I could hear the sickening crack of my bone even over the sound of screaming.

A dark echo in the pain.

“This is what you wanted”


	3. What you say about his company

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited Jan 2018
> 
> -It got worse.  
> WARNING: Gore, Body Disposal, Vomit, Torture, Dubious Consent.

I wish that things could have been even more of a haze, that the pain would have kept me under longer, but there’s something about being in pain that sometimes makes things dim, and sometimes makes things sharper.

After he broke my leg, after hearing that sickening snap that echoed in my body long after the throbbing became just an aspect of my existence, after my screaming simmered down to silent tears, that’s when the fuzziness finally came in.

The time in the dark where I couldn’t tell if an hour or a day passed.

Everything was pain, even in my sleep I couldn’t quite escape the throbbing agony of my new hell.

When he returned came the light, and always for a moment I had hope, after all love isn’t logical, it isn’t something that dies easy, not in me anyway. Seeing him coming down the stairs, humming a chipper tune, after however long he’d left me down there alone, it was hard not to feel some kind of hope just to see some light.

How foolish that thought was, how I ached for nothing but darkness and pain once he set to work cleaning up the mess he’d made.

He butchered the woman like a pig, the stench of blood and guts was rancid and cloying. Not that I was helping myself in any way, crying and vomiting when I was stupid enough to watch for the first few moments before I was able to force myself to roll over and face the wall instead.

It was almost just as bad, listening to the fleshy, wet, sawing sounds of him cutting into her.

Not that he would let me hide away for long.

“Hey! It’s a little rude of you to ignore me when I’m spending time with you!”

I didn’t really care how rude I was being, but he kicked me back so that I was facing him, he couldn’t completely keep an eye on me to truly force me to watch every moment while he worked, but he would yell if he caught me with my eyes shut.

But even behind closed eyes I couldn’t hide away from what I’d already seen.

So I watched.

I watched as he cut around the joints, starting at the bottom and working his way up, toes came off, then the ankles, knees, and hips. The knife would slice cleanly through down through layers of yellow fat and oozing red flesh to the pink bone.

He sang while he worked, humming, whistling, little segments of old familiar songs as he braced one foot on her- No- IT’s torso and pulled at the leg expertly, holding it up to saw through at the point where the bones met, cutting through cartilage so he didn’t have to hack through the thickest parts of the bone.

Legs came off first, probably the hardest part, all wrapped up in paper, then plastic, and then stuffed into garbage bags before everything was hosed down, the body, the floor, and even me. A hard cold spray to punish me for the times when I couldn’t watch any longer, to get the bile that I’d thrown up rinsed away.

And then he left, took the bags upstairs leaving the legless body downstairs with me and the lights on.

Even closing my eyes didn’t block the nightmarish image forever burned into my mind.

/It stank so bad, how could that smell ever go away? How did the whole house not reek of shit and blood? How could Dan stand it?/ I wondered, the cloying reek of it all invading my every sense, I didn’t know what was worse, the pain in my legs or the smell.

And yet he could stand it, not even batting an eye Dan came back, it had to have been hours or a day later at least, skipping down the stairs once more, and even joking that he was glad the corpse hadn’t wandered off on him.

He dragged me closer by my hair.

“See, your legs might hurt but if you wanted I could make them stop hurting. See her legs probably don’t hurt anymore, would you like that?”

He laughed as I begged him not to, as he made me thank him for the breaks so that I could really appreciate the fact that I even had legs at all, and then set back to work again.

Arms today.

Innards the next.

A hollowed out torso after that.

He left me a friend, “I don’t want you to be lonely all by yourself down here” He’d said as he placed her head, hardly even recognizable as a head except for the hair on it considering how he’d beaten her face into a meaty pulp that was quickly rotting on a chair in the middle of the room to give me company.

I had no choice but to look at it, as time passed how it marbled and oozed.

When he finally did return he made me kiss the head goodbye before disposing of it.

If I thought I could slip away into the dark, have a night alone to collect myself I was still wrong.

Then began the cleaning.

Dragging me to a corner he scrubbed the floor, the bleach burning my eyes and lungs while he kept himself safe behind a mask and some goggles.

I knew the windows were open upstairs and the door open to the basement, between the shallow acidic breaths of bleach and cleaning product I could smell the fresh air in wafts and hear birds and cars the sun’s soft glow was reflected on the wall. People were outside, I heard a clink of the mailman dropping things off, there were the soft murmurs of voices.

If I screamed, he would kill me but someone would hear, and for all that he was scrubbing now there was no way he could get rid of my body in time, at least then he would be stopped.

“If you start screaming I’ll break your jaw next.” He told me with a grin, catching my eye seeing me staring at the open door.

I choked, frozen by his stare, daring me to make a peep that would give him permission to hurt me.

I tried to stay quiet for him.

I really did.

While he cleaned I barely made a peep, but being left in the dark with nothing but myself…

It hurt.

Everything hurt so much.

Usually when something bothered me I would look at Dan’s face on my phone, see his smile and listen to some audio clips with him saying wonderful things, how he believed in me, how he knew I could do it.

He still smiled as he came down into the basement.

Still said such nice things.

Coo’ed softly at me as I cried, sighed disappointedly when I begged him to do something about my legs, complaining so much about how they hurt.

I’d been so good for the cleaning, distracted by the stench and fear, but as the pure horror of that started to fade and I was left timeless in the dark with nothing but pain I could focus on nothing else.

“That’s how you know you’re alive! Isn’t it wonderful, don’t you like it?”

He’d yelled, getting increasingly angry as I wouldn’t smile or laugh for him, that I would dare disagree with him on this one small point. That I couldn’t find joy in all the pain he was giving me.

I didn’t care when he hit me anymore, my legs hurt so bad I couldn’t feel anything else. Every shift would jar them sending lightning through me, making me moan and grunt which would interrupt him as he talked, getting him upset all over again.

Awash with pain, kept in the dark I couldn't even tell how much time had passed, a day? A week? A month? My existence was a constant throb with a few blessed moments of relief when I finally passed out in between beatings.

“I’m sorry I’m being rough on you aren’t I?” Dan finally admitted after watching me from the bottom of the stairs for a long time. I didn't know how long he'd been there or how long he'd been away for, time had completely lost meaning for me, I awoke in darkness and pain, and I slept in it much the same, my only knowledge of the passing of time at all was when Dan was with me and even that was fuzzy.

In the time I’d been here he'd kicked at least some basic training into me, teaching me how he expected me to act around him, a few sharp lessons that I was trying my best to remember.

As he came down the stairs today I’d tried to greet him like I knew he wanted me to, if I made an effort maybe he wouldn’t hurt me, at least that’s what he kept telling me although I was clearly not trying hard enough since there was yet a visit that hadn’t resulted in further beatings.

My body felt like it was on fire, all I could do was sob, part of me grateful that he was there and that I wasn’t alone, the rest crying in fear, scared because he was there and that he would probably hurt me again for displeasing him.

Dan sighed and sat next to me, ignoring how I flinched when he first touched me, but it was the gentlest thing I’d felt in so long I couldn’t help but lean into it when it didn’t turn painful.

“I guess you weren’t expecting me to be this selfish? I'm not usually like this I've just been... It’s been stressful lately, always is after I break up with someone and… Well, things are a lot different with you I suppose?” He sighed and his mindless gentle rubbing of my hair stopped making me stiffen and whimper. “Shh it’s okay lovely I got you, I promise I’ll take care of you.”

I didn’t get beat, but he left making me cry out all the same, trying to chase after that fleeting warmth of his hand.

Where was he going? What was he getting? An echoed "I'll take care of her" wiggled in the back of my pain fogged brain sending spikes of fear through me. There was someone else he'd taken care of but, I couldn't remember anymore how that ended, just that I was scared. Scared he wouldn't come back, scared he would.

The added spike of fear was enough to push me over the edge into sleep once more, a strange thing I craved but often couldn’t get enough of, the adrenaline constantly there, the pain following up after, I needed harder crashes to get any rest and with Dan gone again and the house quiet I blacked out. It couldn’t have been that long that I was unconscious for, he'd left the light on for me which he rarely did, so he wasn’t going to bed and probably wasn’t leaving for work. When he came back, he brought with him a little bag from a nearby pharmacy.

Inside was the greatest gift anyone had ever given me.

Painkillers.

But they weren’t for free.

It was a struggle for both of us, wrapping up my swollen ankles, setting the bone to the best of his abilities. Slapping my leg when I tried to squirm away because even though I knew it was a good thing, even though fear and affection made me want to be obedient to him, it still hurt to let him touch me no matter how gentle he was trying to be this time.

It helped in some ways, but also made things worse. The pain went from electric to constant throbbing, but at least the medication helped the swelling go down a little which made even that much become manageable.

Barely.

But the bottle of ibuprofen, generic but extra strength, I didn’t even care that he hadn’t given me anything to drink to wash them down, that my dry mouth couldn’t force them down with spit. I chewed them, gladly and hungrily like they were candy, the bitter taste of the medicine was nothing compared to the relief that they brought, easing me into being able to sleep during the darkened hours when he wasn’t there with me.

—

I loved listening to his stories in the time before, turning Game Grumps on when things were most rough for me, how I would picture myself sitting with him while he spoke, pretend he was telling me these stories alongside Arin, trying to make us both laugh, to make my day a little better.

Now I was getting even more personal stories, hearing about his day-to-day activities as he came home, sitting downstairs with me to tell me about what he did, sharing the highlights before he would go to bed.

When I closed my eyes and listened to him talk I could almost imagine myself away from here, laying on my bed in my apartment, just listening to him talking on my computer with Arin while playing games.

Dreaming about being with him when I wasn’t, dreaming of being away from him when I was.

I imagined he came every night to see me, but it was hard to tell. He barely fed me or gave me anything to drink, at first it was because I kept throwing it back up, the smell of the body, the cleaning after, the pain. After I’d gotten better maybe it was because he would forget, sometimes coming down with his own cup of tea and then letting me drink it instead, sometimes bringing two plates for both of us to have something, sometimes nothing at all.  
So little was in me that I’d had no problems with my limited access to the toilet, usually holding it until he came home and carried me up the stairs.

But maybe he’d given me a little more to drink than usual, or I’d just been able to keep more of it down today without getting sick, maybe the fear was finally loosening my bowels like I heard it does for some people.

He’d been gone all day, maybe longer, it was hard to tell, so maybe I’d just reached my limit.  
I was sobbing when he finally came home and turned on the light to look down at me as I cowered there, cold and ashamed in my own mess.

“Goddamn it seriously? You couldn’t fucking wait until I got home?”

“I-I tried to get to the drain b-but…” I clinked the chain that was attaching my wrist to the pipe. I really had tried to get to the drain, thinking I could shimmy off my underwear and piss in there so it wouldn’t make a mess, I knew how he felt about messes and when I had accidents, but the pain of moving my legs was too much and the cuff I had was too short.  
I whined like a scared dog as he cursed, pulling off his socks and cussing again as he stepped onto the cold cement floor, flinching away while he uncuffed me.

“It’s okay, I understand, I was gone later than usual.” He mumbled after taking a deep calming breath and gently picking me up, carrying me bridal style to the bathroom upstairs.

I had no idea what day it was, only that it was night as we came up the stairs, but I could remember his schedule, how Fridays were usually his later night out, sometimes Saturdays if he had plans with someone.

But depending on how long I’d been here for maybe he was recording late preparing for some time off?

Even though I was with him now, I felt more disconnected from him than when I’d been stalking him.

“This is why I don’t get a dog, look at you, you stink worse than Arin.” He grumbled putting me into the bathtub and unceremoniously turning on the shower head.

I yelped getting hit directly with the cold spray which made him laugh, slowly relaxing as the water got warm enough for him to stick his hands into the tub with me.

Shying away as he pulled off my shirt I had the audacity to stop him when he grabbed at my wet underwear. We both froze as he looked at me his eyes wide in surprise but with a burning rage under it, I flinched but didn’t let go of his arm, scared for more than just a beating now.

He was actually the one to break eye contact first, looking down at me, helpless in his bathtub, and what he was doing, letting out a slow “Oh.” His anger vanishing with it. 

Letting go of my underwear I let go of his arm, unable to really curl away from him with how my legs were useless but covering myself with my arms as best I could. Dan put up his hands, backing off with a soft muttered apology, giving me an earnest look. 

“Hey, it’s okay, I get it but don’t worry I’m not going to do anything like /that/ to you, I’m not that kind of a guy. I just want to help get you cleaned up okay?”

/Oh great./ I thought to myself sarcastically giving him a scared yet skeptical look /He's only a killer, not a rapist. Thank the fucking universe!/

Still I didn’t have much of a choice, even if he was pretending to give me one, I knew if I fought him on this he’d beat me to a pulp and leave me in my mess. Nodding, my tears getting disguised by the spray, shaking soothed by the heat, I looked a few inches above his shoulder and let him do as he wanted, even shifting as much as I could to help him pull off what was left of my clothing, relief only coming when he stood up.

“You finish washing up okay? I’ll get you something to wear.”

I watched him warily as he left the bathroom waiting until he was gone to relax. The water was warm, and I felt better being in there, I hadn’t been able to clean since before I’d gotten here, I probably stank of death simply by being so close to it.

Death, fear and piss…

I took in a shaking breath, choking back a sob, feeling the tears falling out of my eyes, taken away by the spray of water my mind screaming at me that I was going to die here.

I was going to die.

I let out a shuddering breath that felt like I was on the edge of something I didn’t understand before a weird sense of calm settled over me. Blankly I started going through the motions of washing my hair, my mind feeling dull like it was stuffed full of cotton. Little thoughts of no consequence drifted in and out of my head.

This shampoo was Dan’s… It smelled like him.

I probably need two washes, I was pretty greasy.

I don’t need conditioner, who knows when I’d get to shower again?

“Are you done yet?” Dan came back in with some clothes and a towel watching me as I rinsed out my hair. I jumped when he spoke but I realized I didn’t even know how long he’d been there for, leaning up against the doorframe. Coming closer, kneeling next to me he took one of those netted sponges to help me scrub my back, washing me like I was a child.

“There we go all better right?” he asked as my back seemed clean to his satisfaction and he turned off the water.

I nodded and mumbled a “thank you”

“Do you need to poop or anything?”  
“No, I’m okay.”  
“Up we go then.”

I put my arms around his neck letting him lift me into a standing position, holding onto him tightly to keep my weight off of my feet, not caring that I was getting him soaked.  
He was kind of wet already so it didn’t matter.

It was tricky maneuvering to wrap a towel around me before he got me to sit on the toilet using a second towel to rub at my hair and body to get me dry.

“Oh shit, forgot to take these off.” Sitting on the floor, pulling my foot into his lap to undo the wrappings, he ignored my stifled whimpers as I stuffed my hand into my mouth to keep as quiet as I could while he carefully changed the wet bandages to dry ones.

He even leaned down and kissed both of my ankles once he was done with a grin and a “There all better right?”

/Not really/ I thought bitterly, but nodded and tried to smile anyway, I knew better than to voice those kinds of thoughts.

He helped me get dressed, a black shirt that wasn’t mine but I didn’t think it was his either, it was too wide for him and still too large for me and hung over my shoulder.

He put me in a loose flowing dark green skirt that was also not mine and I couldn’t imagine it was his either.

Did these belong to the woman from before?

Or one from even earlier than that?

“Are you good now?”  
“I…” I felt myself shaking and grabbed at him, maybe emboldened a bit too much by being given such a treat like this. “Dan, please don’t make me go back downstairs it so dark and I don’t like it down there. P-Please I’ll be good I’ll do anything just don’t m-make me…”

He took my wrists and squeezed them hard to make me let go of him. Looking down I shuddered trying not to make any noise as he kept squeezing, feeling my bones grind painfully, it hurt so much but I knew that making noise now would just make him more angry I couldn’t afford to get my arms broken too.

“P-please I j-just want to be up here with you.” I begged softly.

Dan let go and stood up allowing me to pull my hands protectively to my chest. I’d bruise for sure but at least he hadn’t broken anything.

“You’re just lonely down there without me huh?” He mumbled giving my head a pat. “I don’t want you to get too needy, I mean I have to go out everyday and do my job, live my own life you know?”

I nodded and bit my lip trying to stop myself from shaking as he stood up and stared at me thinking about something.

Picking me up he took me out of the bathroom, with a mumbled “Just a second” he set me down on the floor giving a little groan and rubbing his back, wandering into the bedroom to change out of his wet clothes while he talked about how he was glad I was light, he wasn’t as young as he used to be and how the last woman was a little bit too heavy for him.

I listened with half an ear, looking around the front room that he’d left me in, most of my attention on the door.

It was night, but not that late, lights from his neighbours were on, a flash of light as a car went by.

The door was right there and Dan was in the kitchen now, if I was quiet I could make it, I might never get a chance like this again. I wouldn’t get far but I didn’t need to I just needed to open the door and scream, I just had to go for it and I would make it, I would get away.

“Wow, do you really like it here that much?”

I jumped at his voice that went from sounding far away to right next to me.

“You really stayed put. Are you stupid or do you really love me that much that you’d stay?”

“I…” I wasn’t really looking at him so much as the sharp knife in his hand. I was scared to answer, terrified of any reaction out of him.  
He squatted down, watching me as I shook, unable to tear my eyes away from the knife until he touched my cheek with his free hand, guiding me to look up at his smiling face, one of his big genuinely happy smiles that always made me feel happy when I saw them in videos or at conventions. I leaned into his touch, my body still shaking with pain and fear but trying to relax.

“Oh sweetheart. You’re just like Princess Tinkles aren’t you? All jittery and wiggly but such a good girl hm? Who’s my good girl?”

“I-I am?” I asked hopefully looking up to see his face perk even more at that admission, clearly I had chosen the right answer.

“Who’s a good girl?”

“I am.” I said more confidently feeling a sense of elation as he gasped and laughed at me still giving me the baby talk that was making me feel strangely better.

“YES! You’re my good girl! Yes you are!” He ruffled my wet hair and I didn’t even flinch as he grabbed my face with both hands, the knife coming dangerously close to my ear while he squeezed my cheeks and gave me a wet smooch on the forehead.

“And good girls,” He pulled back to tap my nose with the flat of the blade, “get treats!”

With an eager ‘come on’ he patted his leg walking towards the kitchen, I was a little unsure of what he expected from me until he patted his leg again, encouraging me to crawl towards him praising me with a “That’s a good girl!” and more encouraging talk to keep me crawling after him despite the pain.

It wasn’t even that far and yet I felt shaken and sick by the time I made it into the kitchen. I hadn’t moved this much since I’d arrived however long ago, maybe it was the injury, maybe it was the atrophy of my muscles, but I was beat by even that much movement.

/How could I even think of escaping when I’m this weak?/

I looked up at Dan feeling a weird sense of pride well up in me at the pleased look on his face, crawling closer as he squatted down to my level.

“Up.” He commanded patting his shoulder with the hand not holding the knife.

Carefully I sat up on my knees to wrap my arms around his neck, my grip tightening, unable to contain a small whimper of pain as he stood making my legs drag across the floor in a way that jarred my bones sharply.

I could feel the press of the knife against my back as he held me tightly to him, his whole body pressed to mine as well, my head tucked under his chin while he rocked me side to side walking me over to the table where he kicked out a chair for me to sit in.  
He giggled and made a little “oop careful” as the chair started to slide away from under me, it was an office chair with wheels not one of the regular kitchen table chairs.  
Safely seated Dan wheeled me closer to the sink, kneeling next to me and adjusting the chair so that I could reach the counter and sink comfortably.

“If you want to stay upstairs then you gotta be useful, I mean it’s not fair to expect me to provide everything in this relationship is it?”

I nodded my head in agreement, listening carefully as he spoke.

“Relationships are supposed to be about give and take right? And that’s what you wanted with me, a relationship?”

He was standing behind me now, his hands on my shoulders the knife blade so close to my cheek that I was afraid to move, giving only the smallest of nods.

“Perfect! So here’s the deal then, you go where I tell you to go, and you do what I tell you to do, and as long as you follow the rules you won’t get hurt and we’ll have a really good time together.” He leaned down, the knife moving away from my face as he hugged me from behind his chin resting on my shoulder. “But if you break the rules then I’ll cut you, right here~”

The tip of the knife came up, gently touching the underside of my chin.

“I’ll slice you up nice and slow so you can feel every inch of it, okay?” I could hear the smile in his voice and a shudder ran through me, that he could sound so perfectly normal and be saying such things.

Pulling the knife away he gave my cheek a kiss and stood up dropping the blade with a clatter into the sink where there were a few other dishes.

“Now, I promised you a treat didn’t I? So what would you like?”

He spun my chair around and kneeled down again to look me in the face, still smiling.  
I wondered if I could get away with what I truly wanted, how he would react if I said I wanted to go home, but I already knew there was no way that would work out to my favour at all.  
So I picked the next thing down the list.

“C-can I sleep with you tonight?”

The smile dropped off of his face to one of surprise, and he actually looked away and blushed, a hand now scratching the back of his head bashfully while he struggled to find the right words. “Wow uh maybe slow your roll there a little puppy, I’m uh, not quite sure we’re there in all this just yet.”

“I-I’m sorry.” I looked down at my knees clenching at the skirt in my fists, he didn’t sound mad but he could beat me just as well without any anger if I stepped out of line and he felt a lesson was in order.

“Nah I get it.” His hands were on my bare calves moving up to tickle the backs of my knees tipping his head into my view to get me to look at him again, a sly smirk on his face as he gave me a little wink and a teasing “Dirty bird~”

“How’s about…” He said slowly with some thought, taking one of my hands and giving my knuckles a kiss. “You wash the dishes, and get to stay up here and eat dinner with me, and if you finish all your dinner then… We can watch something on TV together?”

I nodded smiling eagerly.

“But you still gotta sleep downstairs tonight.”

My face fell but Dan tapped my nose with a gentle scolding.

“Now puppy you just had an accident today, I would be VERY upset if you had an accident in my bed and we don’t want that now do we?”

“No.”

“That’s right, so if you can show me that you’re a good housebroken pet and not some stupid bitch then we’ll see if you can stay upstairs more often okay?”

I nodded in agreement hope of all things finally warming in my chest., if I could be good then I would be able to stay upstairs.

The more I was upstairs the more likely it was that I could escape.

I just had to be good and keep Dan happy.

If only it was that easy.

I washed the dishes while Dan warmed up himself something to eat in the microwave, there weren’t many dishes so it didn’t take long, Dan chatted to me about his day, even apologizing for coming home late, he’d hung out at the office later than usual wanting to finish everything up so he didn’t have to come in over the weekend.

As the microwave chimed he gave a hearty “Soups on!” and I thought I’d done well to finish all the washing in that small amount of time.

Giving myself a little push my chair wheeled halfway from the sink over to the table where Dan had set two bowls glad when he grabbed my chair to pull me the rest of the way, there was no way my legs would sustain me even pushing while sitting. On the table I could see our meals, chicken noodle soup for him and some kind of beef stew for me.

He’d asked me days ago about my eating habits, mostly just allergies so that he could work around it if he wanted to. (Or poison me if he didn’t want to I guessed.) But that I was getting an entire bowl of food to myself was unexpected since I’d been eating his scraps like a stray all week.

“Ah.” He stopped me with a warning noise as I adjusted myself by what I assumed was my bowl of soup before I could touch it, a thoughtful look in his eyes. “Puppy’s don’t eat on the table.”

I looked at him, confused at what he was saying while he got up helping me down off the chair so I was kneeling on the floor.

“Puppy’s eat on the floor” 

Once I was back on all fours he put the bowl next to me and gave my head a pat, this was embarrassing but it was better than being in the basement.

“There’s no spoon…” I said stupidly looking up at him, while he gave me a bland look and quirked his eyebrow making me finally realize what was going on.

I was a dog. I ate on the floor obviously, and dogs don’t use utensils.

“Oh.” I mumbled looking at the steaming bowl and getting down.

It was a little awkward to figure out, between the pain in my legs and the angle and balance I finally settled into a half cobra pose delicately blowing and eating my food trying to be careful not to make a mess.

“Is it good?” Dan asked watching me while I ate making me nod quickly.

It tasted off, sort of strange smelling and the texture was too soft but I learned my lesson about food a few times already, and knew better than to complain.

“Super delicious, thank you very much.”

I could feel his eyes on me while I kept eating, my stomach filling quicker than I would have liked but I kept going because he said I had to eat all of it if I wanted to stay upstairs and watch TV.

And Dan didn’t lie so I knew there was no wiggle room to his promise, and possibly a veiled threat if I failed.

I even licked the bowl clean before pushing myself back up on my knees patting my overloaded stomach and letting out a growling wet burp that made Dan giggle.

“Wow you really ate it all.” He looked amused and surprised, patting his leg to tell me to come closer.

I crawled to him, sitting up as he rubbed the top of my head, tipping my head back to wipe off some of the sauce that was on my nose.

“Lets brush your teeth before we watch TV okay?”

He grabbed my bowl off the floor and took it and his over to the sink to rinse them out along with something else. “C’mon” he called to me to follow as he stopped at the trash can and put something down next to it.

I looked as I went past and stopped.  
It was dog food.  
A can of wet dog food.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, swallowing hard against the gag that rolled my stomach over repeating in my head /Beef stew, it was beef stew, you’re fine, it’s fine, it’s not that bad, it could be-/

I at least made it into the bathroom, crawling to the toilet before I threw up, it was too much and the thought was too strong.

“Bad dog! Wasting food like that!”

I didn’t get to watch TV that night.


	4. He knows changes aren't permanent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited Feb 2018
> 
> WARNING: Torture, Stockholm Syndrom,

I started to learn.

Dan said he didn’t have many rules, and he tried to make them clear, but it didn’t mean I was spared from being beaten. 

You see there were ‘Rules’ and then there were ‘Lessons’ the Rules were very few that was true, and considering what the punishment was for breaking the RULES getting my smaller mistakes ‘corrected’ seemed fine in comparison.

I had so many Lessons, things that I really needed to learn in order to stay upstairs with him in the light.

My first lesson was to realize that we were not in any kind of relationship, not yet.

I was a dog.

HIS dog.

Dogs didn’t get to eat at the table, they had to eat on the floor. Dogs don’t get to choose what they eat, people food isn’t for dogs. 

I got used to eating dog food, after the initial shock and my first mistake which was more due to over-eating than the food itself I had no problem after that. It was bland but not that bad, I thanked him gratefully for ever bite I received because at least he was feeding me, thankfully I was getting the wet type and not some kind of kibble, which I smartly made a point to thank him for because I knew it was more expensive.

I actually got him to smile when I pointed that out, getting a nice petting while he coo’ed that he did care for me and of course would only give his good girl the best.

And he would still give me his leftovers when I was very good.

So many Lessons but I tried my best to pick them up as quick as I could. Dogs shouldn’t beg, I wasn’t to look at him during meals, even if he didn’t give me anything to eat I had to sit quietly at my bowl, and not whine or complain because I knew to be grateful since I was upstairs. 

That was the Lesson I needed to be given the most, reminded again and again to be grateful that he would get up early to let me come upstairs, both in the morning and when he came home at night I was given this treat. It was easier to count the days now that I could see the sun again.

And I had to be grateful for each day that I got to continue living.

I didn’t have to be with him all the time, after all he had things to do and couldn’t “constantly play with me” so I could wander the house as I wanted, but that’s where I learned the first Rule.

Dan had lead me to the door the day after my first failed meal upstairs, sitting me down in front of the door, drawing an invisible line between a wall and the table next to the door with his foot to indicate the barrier.

“Don’t ever cross this line, for ANY reason. This is a Rule. I’ll correct you for every other mistake that you might make but this is A RULE, if you break this I will carve off your skin, do you understand me? If you cross this line I will hurt you like I’ve never hurt you before.”

I understood.

And I was a good dog.

Puppy, pet, princess.

His names for me when I was good.

Dog, Bitch, and many others when he was hitting me when I was bad.

I never meant to be bad but I had to learn. Don’t drop plates, keep everything clean, pick up his clothes, fold the laundry, don’t make too much noise, be thankful for every moment that I got to keep breathing.

Smile when he came home and pray he’d had a good day.

Don’t scream when he didn’t.

I was good.

So good that by the end of the week I got a blanket and a pillow for myself downstairs, and by the second he stopped handcuffing me down there when he was away.

Not like I could crawl up the stairs, no matter how much he coaxed me I still couldn’t make it up there without him carrying me.

My legs still hurt all the time.   
Except on particularly bad nights when I really wanted to sleep I rarely used the painkillers at all. Between my legs and the Lessons I was receiving they barely put a dent in my pain and I was worried that if I used them all up Dan might not give me anymore. Pain was part of my learning process so I needed to learn how to deal with it, how to be thankful for it.

Pain meant I was still alive.

We fell into a rhythm, strange to think that I could become used to living like this but I did. I knew our schedule together, that once he came home I would come upstairs to help him cook, which meant that either I could add spices to my dog food or even that we would prepare enough that I could eat as well and the wet slop slowly was removed from my usual fare. I wasn’t a great cook, so it wasn’t like I was taking over all of it. I was okay enough, and while Dan was picky I luckily already knew about a lot of his eating habits. However I tended not to cook too much for him, I was scared about screwing things up, if I made a little mistake it was fine, I would get a quick slap upside my head, but for bigger ones? The kitchen was the worst place for me to be when Dan was legitimately angry.

Dan came home tired one day, not in a mood but he took a little longer before he carried me upstairs, his movements slowed and sluggish as he put me on the ground at the top of the steps and then went into his bedroom and shut the door. I was worried that a tired mood could turn into a foul one and I didn’t want him to push or throw me down the stairs when it was time for me to return to the basement so I’d thought to make him dinner on my own.

An arrogant idea to think that I could do such a big thing all by myself.

I messed up, something so simple as scrambled eggs and toast, thinking he’d like breakfast for dinner and I fucked it up in so many ways. I wasn’t even planning on giving him the plate of eggs that I screwed up on but how dare I make myself food FIRST even if they weren’t good enough for him.

He’d silently come in behind me, and I needed to learn to be more aware of him as well, knowing where he was so I could greet him properly whenever he entered a room, tasted my mistake, and gently took my arm.

I noticed him then, jumping and smiling at him.

“Oh those ones aren’t for you, they’re not good en-“

I was an idiot for leaving the plate out when it wasn’t for him, nothing here belonged to me and I was using his things without permission. He wasn’t even angry as he placed his large hand over my mouth and silently pressed my arm to the hot stovetop, muffling my screaming, teaching me my place.

He dragged me back down into the basement, the smell of burnt meat following me there. But I knew he was glad that I had tried.

After all he threw burn cream down after me.

I kept myself to just food prep, cutting things up and cleaning after, leaving Dan to handle almost all of the actual cooking, I needed to practice more before I tried again, needed to be less arrogant to think I could cook on my own.

Even though Dan stopped buying dog food for me I still ate on the floor, but since I was upstairs more often I could crawl to the sofa and sit at his feet, watching TV with him before he went to bed. 

Sometimes when I was good he even let me sit on the sofa even though dogs weren’t allowed on the furniture.  
When I was really good I could snuggle with him, laying my head on his chest, acting as his blanket. During these precious moments I would be quivering with happiness while his fingers would trace lazy patterns along my back or gently scratch at my head.

Even though I came upstairs and could now track the days, time started to slip for me like it did when I was in the basement. Even though I knew I needed to focus, how important it was to remember all my Lessons, when Dan wasn’t in the room with me I would space out for hours, just staring out a window or even blankly at a wall my mind fly away free as a bird ignoring the aches of my body. 

It was a good thing sometimes, mindless tasks like washing the dishes or doing the laundry would pass by quickly and I would finish them before realizing I had even started, I was operating a lot on autopilot, ignoring the world around me.

It wasn’t bad except when Dan would walk in on me and I would be slow to smile at him, to focus on what it was he wanted.

I couldn’t have said how long I had been there for anymore, bruises came and new ones layered over them, I never really got the chance to heal so I couldn’t really guess at a timeframe for how long I’d been there for. All I knew was that we had a routine and as time passed I felt like the beatings and Lessons were getting less and less, that I was finally learning how to really be a good dog.

Smile, don't look up, don't flinch, don't scream.

Always be ready.

“Princess?” Dan called out making me sit up from where I’d laid down on the floor of the kitchen, the season was changing which was a bit strange to think that I must have been there for over a month since the weather was cooler when I first arrived, it seemed so long ago and now it was getting hotter out. “Hey Puppy.” He said gently as he came in giving me a happy smile, one that I could now recognize as a real one so I knew it was safe to be there.

He sat down cross-legged on the floor with me and tapped the space in front of him, voicelessly ordering that I crawl closer.  
Ever obedient I did, gently touching his leg to see if I had permission to get a cuddle, elated when he uncrossed his legs so I could slide between them and rest my head on his shoulder. He stroked my hair giving a little sigh that sounded actually, sad?

“You’ve been so good lately Princess, I’m very proud of you.”

I felt a warm sense of accomplishment at the praise however I could feel the ‘but’ coming at the end of that, trying not to let my body stiffen in fear but my mind a blur running through what it could have been that I fucked up for him, coming up with a million things that could have set him off and at the same time nothing that was really deserving of a beating.

Granted one of the reasons why I’d been so slow to learn was maybe because I never thought I deserved a beating, another Lesson I needed to remember, I was a stupid dog who always needed to be hit, it was a wonderful kindness that Dan loved me enough not to just kill me.

“I’m going to give you a little test this week.” Dan started to explain bringing me back to focus, his voice was sad and worried. “I have to go away for a while, well I mean you understand, it’s convention season now, so I’m going to be gone for a couple of days. I know you don’t like it but need you to be a really, really good puppy for me and stay in the basement while I’m gone.”

I couldn’t help the soft whine in my throat as I trembled with worry and excitement about what that meant, hoping that my emotions were being conveyed properly as purely sadness and fear at his going.

I was lucky.

“I know Pet you don’t like it when I’m gone and this will be a big deal for you to be here all alone. I’ve been setting up the basement for you so that you can be comfortable while I’m gone.” He rubbed my back soothingly until my light shivering stopped. “If you can be a really good puppy for me while I’m gone I will be so HAPPY, you want to make me happy don’t you?”  
I nodded eagerly nuzzling myself closer against his neck, making Dan happy was quickly becoming the most important thing to me, when he was in a good mood my pain ebbed away into quietness, the chaotic world I was in became calm for whatever brief moments I could gather when he was in a good mood.

“And I think I will give you the best treat ever if you can be good.”

A treat? An actual legitimate treat? Those were deeply rare and usually came with new freedoms that I could greedily hoard and appreciate. 

“I… I can be good.” I said softly against his neck wondering what the treat could possibly be.  
“I hope you can Princess, I want you to be good, I don’t want you to be another dumb bitch who I have to put down. You’ve been so perfect lately, can you keep being that way for me?”  
I nodded eagerly pushing back to look at him, a dangerous thing to do but I felt it was important to show him that I was being as honest. “I can!”  
“Who’s my good girl.”  
“I am!”  
“Oh yes you are. C’mon, let me show you want I did for you.”

Helping me up Dan carried me back downstairs, I was disappointed about all of this but I needed to be good, I let my mind stay quiet and obedient while I watched intently at his proud display of what he’d done for me so that I could react appropriately.

What he’d done was a big improvement over what I’d been living with before.

I had a lamp now, an air mattress to go with my pillow and blanket, that was already a massive improvement, but added to that there was a hose and a bucket set up close to the drain along with some bread and peanut butter, a box of granola bars and a few other snacks close to the freshly made bed.

I was perfectly set up to stay down here for at least a week.

“See you’ll be okay without be for a few days, just the weekend while I'm away at a convention, and I’ll even let you bring a book down here too as long as you promise to be careful with it.”

I remembered to thank him quickly for everything he did and especially for being allowed to pick a book to bring down. I hadn’t given him any reason to mistrust me but I knew that his things were important, more important than I was, so any lending was a gift that I had to show gratitude for. I must have showed my gratitude properly since it made him smile, but under it all I was hoping that I didn't sound too eager for his departure. 

Time slowed down to an agonizing crawl as we had dinner and I waited eager for him to go to bed, eager for him to leave, barely able to sleep the whole night listening and waiting to hear him get up and shuffle around upstairs to get ready the next morning to go.

Coming down the stairs I sat up in the darkness, waiting for him to turn on the light and greet him as the day started.

“I’m sorry Pup, I can’t stay and play with you this morning I’m in a bit of a rush.” He said giving me a piece of toast, probably his leftover, but I still thanked him for it. 

It was then that I noticed the newest addition to my setup.

I’d gone for so long without any restraints on me, after all I’d yet to traverse the stairs on my own so Dan had trusted me not to be able to.

I guess I was expecting too much for him to trust me more than he already was.

A collar was in his hand, the kind that could be locked into place attached to a long chain that went around the pipe, also locked there.

It was long enough that I could crawl around, make it to the bucket and hose, to the edge of the stairs, rest comfortably in my new bed, but that I wouldn’t be permitted to leave.

“I’m gonna go now, be good Princess~” He said after placing the collar around me and locking it into place, giving me a wet kiss on the forehead before he started for the stairs

“I will!” I called to his retreating form, quickly adding as an afterthought that came strangely unbidden to my lips.   
“Be safe, I love you!”

He didn’t say anything back but he stopped, turning his head for a moment halfway up the stairs and stood there staring at me long enough for me to second guess my words, counting to 7 before he gave me the strangest look that I couldn’t quite read and continued on his way, the door shutting and leaving me back in the dark. 

I didn’t understand what that was, hoping it was the right thing to say, something to keep him happy, something to make him not feel suspicious.

I was a good girl because I needed him to trust me.

As soon as I heard the front door shut I got to work.

I had 3 days to get the fuck out before he got home.


	5. Always hopeful yet discontent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited Feb 2018
> 
> Warning: Barry, Torture, Dubious Consent, Stockhome Syndrom.

I counted.

one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi…

All the way to 1,000 I counted, eyes closed listening carefully for any sound, any whisper of socks, any creek of the floor from upstairs.

Not a sound.

Turning on the lamp I felt the collar around my neck thick and solid, a leather dog collar for an animal larger and stronger than I was. Picking at it and scratching there was no way it was coming off, I could feel behind my head where the chain was attached that it was hooked into place with a heavy padlock, even if I knew how, and had the tools to pick the lock, there was no way I could do it blind.

Feeling along the length of the chain to the pipe it was wrapped around I checked the lock there. The pipe I already knew was solid, my first days here were spent cutting my own wrist against the handcuffs trying to make the pipe break. I knew now that it was a metal beam for the house, even if I could somehow smash it in half it would probably cause the first floor of the house to collapse in on me.

The lock however.

I was surprised that the lock wasn’t a key padlock but one with a number combination on it.

This…

This was a test.

But what kind?

Dan was full of tests. He’d like to say things to me in passing and then ask me about them later, hurting me when I couldn’t remember. I was pretty good at these tests, knowing so much about him already and when he gave me new information it fed that side that still wanted him, still adored him desperately, so it wasn’t that hard to pass many of them.

Plus when I did, it kept him from hurting me and often won me small treats.

His tests were all over, sometimes it would be little games of trust, he’d test me by giving me a knife and would stand close, reaching up high for something.

And I knew that I could hurt him.

I could see myself twisting in the chair I would be sitting in next to him, driving the sharpened blade into his exposed stomach, falling on him as he went down stabbing again and again until he stopped moving, until the blood stopped flowing, and then I could crawl out to freedom.

And I would see him look down at me, holding the knife in my shaking hands, staring at his side before he would pet my head and remind me of what a wonderful pet I was.

But then there were other tests.

Ones where he would leave the room and then come back an hour later and kick me for not following him, angry that I could stand to be without him. 

Ones where he would leave and kick me when I did follow.

Stay.  
Come.  
Trust.  
Run.

What was it?

Shaking I took the lock in hand and started to roll through it, his birthday, 6969, 1234, 6666, a few other dates that might have been important that I knew of but none that clicked over.

I fiddled with a few random numbers before giving up, he told me to stay down here and be good, was he just waiting outside for me to escape? Wouldn’t he then make the combination something I could guess?

So what did that mean? Was he really gone or was I getting this part of the test wrong? What if he did give me the code somehow and was waiting for me to get it, wanting me to come upstairs and do some task before he came home?

Stopping I let the lock go, my brain abuzz with possibilities and crawled over to make a sandwich. I’d gotten used to having somewhat regular meals and while I wasn’t sure how much time had passed since Dan had left I was hungry so I assumed it was a good time to eat. Needing to use my fingers to get the peanut butter out of the jar and licking them as clean as I could, I crawled to the hose to drink from while I ate, thinking about everything and nothing all at once, cleaning myself with the cold water and crawling back to the warm bed.

I picked up the book and put it down again, listening hard with my eyes closed to check for any noise.

Turning back to the lock I started from the beginning and spun one by one.

0001, 0002, 0003…

It became meditative, like counting beads for prayers. 

Spin /please god/ pull, locked. 

Spin /please god/ locked. 

Spin /please/ locked.

I was in purgatory and this was my penance.

At 1111 I stopped, not pulling just yet, 11:11 make a wish. 

Gingerly without checking if that was the right code I let go of the lock, crawling away to get a drink, my bladder ready to burst and my stomach growling. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to wish for.

/Wish to get away obviously/ A part of me said.  
/No, wish not to get CAUGHT/ Was another thought.

Not getting caught sounded like the better of the two, the safer bet because if I couldn’t get away then at least if Dan didn’t know I tried maybe he would be happy? I would get a treat and no punishment?

I was halfway back to the bed when my shaking caused me to stop and curl up into a ball sobbing. What if I couldn’t escape? What if he came back and I was still here? Would he even be happy? If this was a test to let me go then he’d be mad that I was still here, if it wasn’t a test then I’d still be here, with him, until he finally killed me.

Pulling myself together I returned to the bed, wrapping myself up again closing my eyes and praying to whatever was out there listening.

“Please god open, please just let me go home…”

Pull.  
Locked.  
Deep breath.

Spin.

Time had no meaning, I was tired but I didn’t sleep, I was hungry but I didn’t bother to eat, stopping only to piss when I absolutely had to and returning to the lock to keep praying, I might have blacked out a few times, waking up startled and confused, listening carefully once more for any sounds other than my own pounding heartbeat before returning to my penance. 

6255  
God  
6256  
Please  
6257  
Please I’m sorry.  
6258  
Please I just want to go home.  
6259  
*Click*  
6260  
Please  
6261  
…Wait?

I hadn’t even noticed when the lock unhooked, so deep into the trance of spinning I put in at least two more combinations pulling uselessly before I realized that it was open and I was free.

I was…

I froze, listening carefully for any sound, expecting Dan to come racing down the stairs, for me to get dragged from my bed and beaten into the ground, but nothing came.   
Not when I untangled the chain and wrapped it around my hand.   
Not when I left my mattress.   
Not when I touched the bottom step.

It was hard and the first time I’d done it but I had both gotten used to the pain and maybe my legs were healing enough that I could put a fraction of my weight on them, enough that I could crawl up the stairs. Putting my ear to the door I listened carefully for any sound, terrified that maybe he lied, maybe he didn’t go anywhere, maybe he was home already and I’d estimated the time totally wrong.

Nothing, it was so quiet I could even hear a car go past outside.

The doorknob was so high and it was hard to balance myself, every time my toes made contact with the steps everything hurt but I needed to get out.

Grabbing the knob it turned and then stopped.

I turned it harder but it clicked, holding firm against the lock.

I never noticed a lock on this door before.

I’d never thought to look.

A hysterical bubble of laughter welled up in me and I giggled rattling the doorknob until my laughing turned into a scream, pounding on the door hitting it with the chain attached to my neck, sobbing at my failure.

Of course! Of course THIS was the Lesson! There WAS no escape! He didn’t really trust me and I would never be able to leave. He was smarter and better than I would ever be and now?

Now I would get beaten… Maybe even cut… Maybe killed because I disobeyed.

I froze hearing the sound of the front door slamming shut and footsteps coming closer.

He’d been waiting, he’d known that I would try to escape and had been waiting for me the whole time.

I barely had time to crawl back two steps before the basement door flung open making me cover my face to the brighter light of the upstairs world.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” I wailed cowering on the steps, clinging to the rough wood waiting for Dan to kick me down the stairs.

“Jesus fucking christ.” Came a voice from above me.

So familiar but not Dan’s at all.

Looking up I squinted at the man standing there, hope budding up in me as I ignored the pain in my body and scrambled forward grabbing onto his leg.

“BARRY! Oh my god- Oh god Barry please, please Barry!” I sobbed, ugly, loud tears, not able to let go even when he tried to step back, gently pulling my hands off of him and getting down, letting me hug him as I cried softly rubbing my back and making soft soothing noises as I clung to him.

“I can’t- We have to- We- we have to-“ I could barely speak, babbling words and fragments needing to get out that we had to run away, that I needed to get out of there, that Dan was insane and would murder everyone, trying to talk but unable to get much out between the heaving breaths and uncontrollable crying.

“I know, I know, shhh, you’re ok, it’ll be okay.” He said back, his voice a soothing rumble of calm in my ears. “Come on, it’ll be okay, come on, lets go.”

It was a bit of a struggle because I didn’t want to let him go, a part of me scared that if I let him go I would wake up and this would have all been a dream. He was the only real thing for me right now, nothing else mattered, but pulled my hands off him and picked me up gathering up the chain as he did so he wouldn’t trip.

With my face pushed into his neck it wasn’t until I felt everything move down, jarring steps that were bringing us closer to darkness instead of light that I looked up and realized what was happening.

He was taking me back down into the basement.

“Barry… Barry no, please… Please no I- Dan, Dan- Barry? B-barry?” I reached past him for the light of the door that was getting further away, something in me fading each step we went down lower until I was a quiet trembling ball once more.

He was as gentle as I’d always imagined him to be, putting me down back on the air mattress and carefully putting the chain back onto the pipe from where it came, snapping the lock back in place and giving it a random spin.  
He looked grim as he stood there thinking, I watched him, mostly looking at his feet. No longer begging, nor crying, I knew now that was pointless, hiccuping as my voice dried up. 

I was shellshocked, I thought I KNEW Barry. 

When I had first gotten this itch I found where everyone had lived not just Dan. I would watch them too because I wanted to know them, they were Dan’s friends, part of Dan’s life, being Dan’s old roommate I knew almost as much about him as I knew about Dan.

But then look at how well I had actually known Dan…

I should have seen this coming.

He let out a long sigh as he seemed to have come to a decision, I was silent by then, shaking. I was dead, Barry was like Dan and now he was going to hurt me, and when Dan came home he was going to slice me open, he would skin parts of my body, cut me into pieces while I was still alive, take me apart bit by bit until I begged to die.

“Dan told me.” Barry said slowly, his voice unusual and tight. “Well he asked me to come here because he got a new dog…”   
Cocking his head to the side I waited while he took a deep breath and putting his lips together in a thin line, squatting down to my level seeing how I shook and the tears streaming silently out of my eyes. “Look I don’t-“ He paused still thinking. “I won’t tell if you don’t. This can just be our little secret, Dan asked me to come and make sure you were okay because he’s going to be gone a little longer. He told me to bring you another book, make sure you had enough food.”

I felt my lip quiver as a new and different set of tears welled up inside me. Dan was thinking of me while he was away? He was worried?

“Dan’s been really happy lately and said you were a- Said you were good. So lets not make him upset yeah?” He spoke to me like I was a child giving me a tight smile when I nodded and whispered back “I can be good.”

“Awesome. Now, I’m going to go grab your book and I’ll even order you some takeout, don’t tell Dan about that either.” He gave me a wink still smiling like this was some game, I supposed for him it was. “You’re going to stay down here, quiet as a mouse okay?”

Nodding again Barry gave me a little nod in return and stood up going back up the stairs to do as he said, bringing me some Chinese food and another novel.

Unlike Dan he didn’t sit with me, or talk to me, only putting his finger to his lips to remind me to be quiet when I said his name, trying to ask him why or how he could do this, unable to believe that he was a part of it, but then…

Were all of them a part of this?

Left alone in the dark once Barry had taken away the Chinese containers I laid down, even knowing the code for the chain, knowing I had more time to escape didn’t bother to try again. Even once I was sure he had left, listening to the silence and the stillness of my breath and heartbeat.   
It was pointless, the basement door was locked from the outside, my escape had been for nothing.

Curling up I turned off the lamp, letting the darkness consume me.  
   
—

“So how did everything go?”

Dan trusted his friend to do as he asked but still gave Barry a call as they were waiting in the airport for his flight coming back, his leg tapping nervously. He’d been a little edgy the whole weekend, but other than being a little bouncier than usual hidden among the regular convention nerves, he’d kept a lid on everything not letting his worries break his smile. Not even when Arin dropped on him that they needed to stay an extra two days longer than he’d planned for. Instead shooting his old roommate a quick text to go in and check on his newest pet for him.

Dan knew she wouldn’t die even if she had run out of food but she’d been so good he didn’t want to punish her for his own poor planning.

“It was fine.” Barry’s answer was shorter than what Dan wanted to hear.

“How was the puppy?”

“Fine.” His answer took a moment to come out and was sharper but that wasn’t completely unexpected, Dan knew Barry’s feelings when it came to his ‘pets’ and how he didn’t really want to be involved, but Dan had been gone longer than he’d expected to be so he started to get worried and didn’t know who else to ask. 

“Dan… Why did they know my name?”

/Oh shit./ Dan thought, so caught up in his own anxieties, so delighted with how his new pet had been behaving so well, so much better than any other that had come before, he actually forgot the reason why she was different from every other person he’d been with.

“I uh… Must have uh mentioned you were coming?” Dan tried to lie but he wasn’t very good at it, especially since this was a last minute thing so it was pretty obvious.

“Dan.”

“Fuck okay, okay don’t freak out but they might be just a teeny tiny little bit of a uh…” He mumbled out “fan of the show?” fast and quiet but he couldn’t avoid the scolding he knew was coming.

“Jesus fucking christ DAN!”  
“Bar I-“  
“A FAN Dan? Really?”

“I Know!” Dan stood up, now worried that someone might hear what he was talking about wandering away to a less populated area of the airport so that no one would listen in, especially considering some of his nosier co-workers were around. “I didn’t mean for it to happen but it just DID and I… Fuck I dunno things have been going so well!”

“Fucking, fuck Dan.”  
“I know, I know, but well I mean- I’ve never had a problem before!”  
“Because none of them have been FANS before! Picking up a random nobody that doesn’t know your name and picking up someone who knows you- knows who we all are, are two very different things! Dude like- you know I don’t care, this isn’t a judgement on you, but you are playing a dangerous fucking game with this one and I won’t see you take down everything that we’ve all worked for—“

“Dude it WON’T I’ve got it under control.”

“Do you? Are you sure about that?”

“I do, I really do, I just- God Bar you don’t understand how it’s been lately, I really think that this’ll be the one. I know- I know we’re just getting bigger and bigger so I understand that it’s getting more risky for me to do this but- Look I promise she’ll be the last person I do this with, I want this to work out Bar, more than anyone else.”

Dan was sweating bullets at the quiet before Barry let out a long sigh. 

Then he breathed in deep to let out an even longer sounding sigh making Dan smile knowing that if Barry was hamming it up then he was forgiven.

“You promise this will be the last one.”  
“Absolutely.”  
“Even if it doesn’t work out?”  
“It will work out, I just know it will, and if it doesn’t it’ll be on me I won’t let his hit anyone else.”

Dan could hear the mumbled ‘fine’ but he egged a louder gruff “Fine!!” out of his friend just to really confirm he’d gotten his way.

“So, you went downstairs? Did you guys do anything?” Dan asked, not that he didn’t trust Barry, a part of him was more worried that his Pet might have done something other than startle the younger man by knowing who he was.

“Nah not really, I know I wasn’t supposed to but I ordered us some Chinese food, gave her the second book in what she was reading, that was it, leftovers are in the fridge.”  
“Did you let her upstairs?”  
“No, I didn’t.” His voice was still sharp and clipped, Dan read it as him still being miffed, Barry wasn’t interested in the same things Dan was, especially in regards to Dan’s darker habits so he tried not to worry too much about it.

“Thank you Bar, I love you~”  
“Yeah yeah.”  
“I love you~~”  
“Ugh I love you too Dan. Be safe dude, just… Be safe.”

—  
   
“Princess~” 

I was curled in a nest of blanket, a gentle prodding and tugging at my warmth bringing me back up from the dreamless void I’d been hiding in.

“Pet.” Dan’s voice soft and dark snapped me awake as the blanket was pulled off and he was there, standing over me, the smile on his face tight and warning. “You touched your lock.”

Dan had come home, I couldn’t even tell how long he’d been gone for. After Barry had left I’d slept and ate and slept again, read my two books and slept more, preferring to be unconscious in the dark than anything else.

Being awake gave me too much time to think.   
And none of my thoughts were good.

I froze looking at him, my mind reeling, how did he know? Did Barry tell him or did he set the lock a certain way before he left?

“I… I did.” I whispered truthfully looking down at my hands starting to shake but not trying to shrink away as he moved closer, grabbing my chin to force me to look at him. 

Running made him angrier.

And where would I get to anyway?

“I heard someone upstairs a-and the lock was combo so I… I thought maybe you w-wanted me to come up…” 

“You thought I WANTED you to leave?”

“Not leave! Never leave! Good dogs don’t run away! I don’t break the rules!” I chanted back more forcefully than maybe I should have, the hand on my face squeezing to make me shut up until I calmed down and Dan felt like letting me explain “I know I have to be quiet because that’s a rule, but I thought that maybe the combo was your birthday o-or the day you got me or something and- and that you would want me to come and greet you, t-to show how— how much I missed you.” The last part came out as a trembling whisper.

“And did you come upstairs?”

I prayed then that Barry had kept his promise and hadn’t told. If he did and I lied I was dead, if he didn’t and I told the truth I didn’t know what might happen to Barry.

Or to me.

“N-no I didn’t figure out the combo and- and it- It wasn’t you.”

I could count my heartbeats pounding in my chest as I waited for judgement to fall. Dan inspecting my face, his expression thoughtful and calculating.

Worried?

He let out a breath, his body sagging as it relaxed and then a gentle hand on my head, his mouth curling into a please smirk.

“You missed me that much huh?”

I nodded carefully reaching to touch his knee that was closest to me. 

“I was so lonely.”  
“Didn’t Barry do anything with you?”  
“Not really he…” I let my hand drop not knowing what details I could give but keeping them light, if he kept the bigger secret maybe he really had kept them all. “Just gave me a book.”

Dan pulled his hand back, moving to undo the lock on the collar giving a little hum of listening.

“And…” I added once the collar was off and I could move to try and cuddle with him.  
“And?” He allowed for the snuggle but it felt a little off, stiffer, I was playing a very dangerous game here but I could only hope the payoff would be in my favour.

“And he gave me Chinese food.” I whispered into his neck feeling myself calm as Dan finally relaxed and gave me a squeeze.

“Oh he DID, did he?” Dan said in a jovial tone with a giggle, I relaxed knowing that my gamble was paying off.  
“Yeah but shh, it’s a secret.”

Dan laughed more, hugging me to him even harder, kissing my temple and cheek and finally my mouth. 

“Ah no my teeth I…” I tried to push him away, it was dangerous for me to do that but I didn’t want to get in trouble for being gross. He hadn’t left a toothbrush downstairs for me and while I tried to rinse my mouth out, scrub the scummy feeling of my teeth off with my shirt, I probably tasted terrible and Dan wasn’t against punishing me if I didn’t keep up with my hygiene.

“Shhh Baby it’s fine, you taste like peanut butter.” He mumbled against my lips kissing me again pulling at my jaw to get me to open my mouth so he could push his tongue in.

A shudder ran through me and I groaned, grabbing his shirt and pushing forward knocking him back making him pull away with a startled “Uh” but without even thinking of if he would get angry or not I chased his lips with my own.

He hadn’t done anything like this with me since the first time we kissed, I tried not to think of that, what had come before or what had come after, but the memory of his lips against mine was one of the few bright points I had in this world of Training, Lessons, and painful Tests. Ignoring everything else, focusing only on the fact that he was there and touching me, letting the part of me that burned for him awaken, revelling in the feel of his hand resting against my neck, how soft his t-shirt was, the firmness of his stomach as I trailed my fingers down.

/I knew every inch of him, from his sparse chest hairs to the scar along his hip…/

Except one part.

I bit his lip gently, not wanting him to push me away, his hand tightened just slightly around my throat when I finally touched him making us both freeze. He pushed me back enough to stare at my face, his thumb over my pulse making it throb in my ears at the light pressure there.

He didn’t move, watching me closely, his breath hitching just slightly as I moved and rubbed the growing hardness in his jeans.

Veiled indents through tight spandex didn’t do him justice.

“Can I—“ My question was cut off with the tightening of his grip around my throat, squeezing even harder when I struggled to move away, holding me there with the threat of violence.

I let out a whine not sure what he wanted from me, both of my hands had moved up to his waistline, careful to keep eye contact with him and hoping that I hadn’t gone too far, concentrating on my whistling breath. Coming to a decision and loosening the grip around my throat he shifted back, letting me straddle his legs, taking my hand and sliding it back to where I had so daringly put it before.

Dan’s eyes were locked on mine as I touched him, giving me the tiniest nod of permission to ease down his zipper to pull him out of his jeans, a warning squeeze around my throat when I was doing something wrong, his breath speeding up and grip loosening as I did things right.

A smirking grin when I started touching myself gently humping against his legs.

“Oh fuck Baby.” His eyes finally fluttered shut and he moaned, his hand sliding off my neck to fist my hair dragging me close for a final kiss as he pulsed into my hand, I whimpered into his mouth, feeling pleasure spike in me as well, all of me tipping forward then to rest against him giggling as the hand that was keeping him upright buckled and he fell back onto the cool cement with a laugh, wrapping his arms around me to hold me close.

“Damn Baby you really missed me that much huh?” He sighed giving me a squeeze making me notice the change in name.

Not puppy… Baby.

I nodded nuzzling into his shoulder feeling the wetness of his cum soaking into my clothing but not caring, it had been so long since I’d been touched, so little kindness in months, a little wet jizz didn’t bother me if it came with warm hugs.

“C’mon, lets get cleaned up for bed. I had a long trip and I missed you too.”

The basement door closed behind us. 

Dan never lied, and maybe I was undeserving but my treat was the best treat I could possibly get. 

The promise that I wouldn’t have to go back down there anymore.

Dogs didn’t sit at the table but I could now.

Dogs stayed off the sofa but I could lay on him as he watched TV whenever I liked.

Dogs didn’t sleep in a bed but I was there curled up with him.

I wasn’t his dog anymore, I was his Baby, his Darling, Lovely, and Sweetheart.

I flinched still when he reached out to touch me, it seemed he constantly wanted his hands on me, trailing over my shoulders, nuzzling into my neck, pulling me close to spoon against my back until he fell asleep. 

Those Lessons were well learned and I knew I would do well to remember everything he taught me.

But I had gotten so close and learned more than even he knew.

Listening to him snore, looking out his window as the night went past, putting a hand on my chest feeling my heart slowly beat in it.

I was alive.  
I was alive.

I wasn’t going to give up yet.


	6. Catch the spirit. Catch the spit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited Feb 2018  
> -Combined Chapters 6 and 7
> 
> WARNING: Dub-con, Implications of rape, Stockholm Syndrome, torture, blood.

Things rapidly changed after what I thought was my final test.

I kept spacing out at first, my mind drifting back to the dark of the basement, the feel of Dan’s lips on mine, the weight of him in my hand, his laugh, his gentle touch after.

It was hard to think about anything else.

It was a whole new world out of that dark cold room and I was so conflicted.

I didn’t know where I stood anymore, what was allowed and what wasn’t. When we woke up that morning he made me eggs and toast, on a plate, guiding me from where I was patiently sitting by my bowl and lifting me up into a char at the table.

“No Baby, not there, not anymore.”

I was actually confused at first, when he took my bowl and put it into a cupboard before bringing me my meal.

My meal.

Something he made for me, and served me first.

I waited until he made his own food before I dared to touch mine, waiting further for him to take his first bite and then look up at me with a permissive nod, a lazy smile on his face as he watched me eat.

I tried to eat all of it but my stomach was in knots waiting for him to get angry, not knowing the rules of this new game. If I clicked my fork against the plate too loud or when I spilled crumbs on the table? Would the new Lessons begin then?

But as he finished his own meal, and saw longer pauses between each bite that I took, he didn’t even ask if I was full, just got up, kissed my cheek and took the plate away.

I was shaking when he came back and picked me up, waiting for the worst, waiting to be taken back downstairs and hurt for failing at whatever it was he wanted me to do.

I didn’t even know how to react when he put me on the sofa, tucked a blanket around me and left me there while he went to wash up the breakfast dishes humming a jaunty tune the entire time.

Without him in he room my focus dissolved, curled up under the blanket I wasn’t asleep but I wasn’t THERE anymore either. I had no idea how much time had passed when he came back, asking me if I wanted anything, pressing his lips to my forehead before he went into his bedroom after I’d shook my head. I had no idea how long I sat there further before my mind came back, a tingling fear running through me with the urgent need to go and find him, make sure he wasn’t testing me once more, did he want me to follow him? Was his affection his clue that he was in the mood for company?

Dan looked up with a little frown when I opened the door of his bedroom so I stayed kneeling there waiting to be let in or told to get out, still nervous and uncertain about what was happening. He was laying on the bed, computer in his lap, headphones on but he saw the door open and looked at me kneeling there, both of us waiting for the other.

Patting the mattress next to him I didn’t relax, the little frown had stayed as I crawled over obediently climbing up next to him, either he was mad about something and I would get hurt when I came closer, or he was mad about something and I would aggravate him more if I didn’t come, and the pain would be even worse, I knew to be obedient in all things.

To accept my Lessons when I needed them.

“You don’t have to crawl anymore you know.” He said putting an arm around me and pulling me close, looking at his laptop I could see he was working on some music.

“I- But- My legs?” I was confused at the statement, I didn’t know how much time had passed since my first day here but considering how they still ached it couldn’t have been long enough that they’d healed, and even if they had, I hadn’t walked in so long I wasn’t sure I remembered how.

Dan looked genuinely surprised, as though he’d forgotten that he’d broken both of my ankles, like he hadn’t been caring for them over the last few months, like he hadn’t wrapped them up himself, still swollen and discoloured, the night before.

“Oh right…” He mumbled looking down, a little furrow in his brow like he felt guilty about that, pulling me close with a very soft. “I’m- I’m sorry about that.”

A part of me, hidden deep inside flared and scoffed at this, hurling insults at him, how could he be sorry when this was entirely his fault? There hadn’t been a day that had gone by where he acted sorry about anything he’d done!

But my face didn’t betray any of those dangerous thoughts, instead just snuggling closer to him, letting myself drift between daydream and sleep while watching him work. It was interesting to see him working, at least to the part of me that would forever be obsessed with him. I’d watched the smallest clips of him doing the same thing, to be able to see him listen and adjust and listen again making sure that every bar, every note was perfect was a treat that I would have killed for long ago.

He worked like that for a while, eventually getting up and making a sandwich for himself and a half-sandwich for me, bringing me the next book in the series I’d been reading, letting me lay there with him while he did his thing, and allowed me to do my own.

He carried me back to the kitchen afterward talking at/with me, actually answering my soft hesitant questions without mocking or anger, and for once asking me questions making me realize that after all this time I’d spent here he knew nothing about me.

It took a little coaxing from him to get much out of me, encouraging nods and pleased smiles as I slowly realized that maybe it was okay for me to talk now? Before I was silent, as a good dog was to be, only making sounds of gratitude or speaking when I had to, and learning quickly not to use too many words, not to take up his precious time with my barking.

But now it seemed he wanted to know everything about me, just as I knew so much about him already. My birthday, my parents, brothers or sisters? pets? Where I used to live? Small first date talk was shared over dinner, the way he was watching me was still intense but it felt different, no longer was he waiting for me to make a mistake with the threat in the air of getting beat, but now just observing me in the same way I used to observe him, as though Dan wanted to memorize every detail of my face and life.

I was even more terrified than before.

It was like the man I’d been kidnapped by was gone, replaced by the Dan that I’d originally fallen in love with.

Kind, caring, funny, gentle, sweet.

I couldn’t help but flinch every time he touched me, so well trained to see his hands as being things that doled out only pain, for them to suddenly caress me so softly like he was worried I would break made me confused on how to react.

I’d learned over so many deeply painful months, with Lessons forever marking my skin, on how to act, how to be around him. And now that man that I’d worked so hard to please was gone and replaced by someone else.

I didn’t know what to do.

One question too many and I became overwhelmed, shaking as he took my plate away, once his back was turned I slid under the table, stuffing my fist into my mouth I bit down hard and cried.

My world greyed at the edges as I held my breath trying to stay silent, heart pounding I could taste copper in my mouth, nothing else existing except fear.

Yet, those gentle hands I was so afraid of carefully pulled me out from my hiding spot, cradled me close with warm words, washed me, tended my wounds, helped me dress in clean clothes that smelled like him. Held me softly to his chest to feel the warm beat of his heart until the grey pulled back and I could breathe again.

Sitting up I looked down at him, his puzzled but gentle smile, how many mistakes I’d made in that blind terror, crying, getting a mess on him, being on the sofa, bothering him…

Fresh panic started to bubble up once more as I stammered out apologies.

But only gentle hands reached up to me, pulling me back down to him, rubbing my back, playing with my hair, the sweet sound of his laughter as he watched TV with me like nothing in the world was wrong.

Where was the Dan from before? Was he finally gone?

What did all of this mean?

Watching him mumble sleepily at me as he drifted off in bed, each blink becoming a little longer than the last. Maybe… Maybe this is what he had been looking for? Someone who would just love him unconditionally? Someone who could look at that darkness in him and tame it?

Was this the test that every woman who had come before failed?

Had I passed?

Reaching out I lightly touched his lips with my fingers, remembering how sweet they tasted against mine, feeling heat bloom in my body thinking about the night before.

The weight of him, the burning pleasure, things that a dog would never get but, was I still a dog or had that changed too?

Dan’s steady breathing stilled and I jerked back as he let out a little giggling huff, his eyes opening to look at me.

“Making a move on me while I’m sleeping? Naughty thing~” He teased with a smirk.  
“I-I wasn’t!” I tried to protest wondering if he could tell how badly I was blushing in the low light. The other Dan was so good at knowing what I was thinking, would this Dan be the same?

“It’s okay,” he spoke gently as he sat up, resting his head on his hand, reaching out to touch my warm cheek. “You can kiss me whenever you want to Baby.”

“I…” Licking my lips I looked at his, a test? Permission? A command? Leaning in, closing the space between us, I offered up a small peck on his lips.

Pulling back however he followed my mouth, rolling over me to demand more than small innocent kisses, moving a hand behind my head, holding me close as he deepened the kiss. The pressure on my lips became heavier as he opened his mouth coaxing me to do the same with small encouraging licks to my lips. His body moved, pushing his way between my legs, pressing himself flush against me, the weight both a little comforting and frightening, making me feel protected and trapped at the same time.

I stiffened at his first touch but relaxed beneath him letting his hands trail down from my head, tugging at the collar of the oversized band t-shirt he had put me in so he could latch himself to my neck kissing down to the junction of my throat with teasing nips an wet bites. A sharp graze of teeth to my collarbone had me muffling a moan clinging now to Dan’s hair, my heart busting as I realized this was the first time I really got to touch it.

Surprisingly soft and plush in my fingers I buried my hands in the curly mess, pressing my fingertips to his scalp, massaging and tugging gently making him groan against my neck, his hips pressing mine down into the mattress, carefully pulling up one of my legs to wrap around his waist to slot our hips together more firmly.

I could feel him hard and hot between my legs his boxers and the shorts he’d put me in not giving much of a barrier between us. But I knew his entire body now, my every curiosity had been satisfied, all lines in the sand I once drew had been crossed save one.

Pulling back he dipped lower pushing up my shirt to trail kisses up under it, tongue and teeth, hands and fingertips, working over my body and chest until I was moaning.

“Fuck Baby you are so fucking hot!” Dan pushed back sitting up onto his knees to push the blanket off the both of us and pull off his t-shirt. Through the low light of the street and moon coming through his windows I could see the smooth curves of his pale skin, bones and light muscles, his hips leading down to his very prominent erection barely contained by his briefs.

Dan touched the inside of my thigh, so gentle with hands that were burning hot and suddenly. 

.everything 

crashed.

Everything from being soft and sweet, building passion to very, very not okay.

A terrified panic welling up inside of me as I realized where this was going, and felt far too unprepared for it. This had been a dream, a fantasy I’d had for so long, and it was coming at the tail end of a nightmare that I wasn’t sure I’d woken up from. I still hurt, I was still so scared, and now this thing I wanted was being given to me by a man I was terrified of.

My breathing hitched from the breathless panting of arousal to near hyperventilation, training was the only thing that kept me from reacting in any way except for being passive. Go limp, close your eyes, wait for it to pass.

It would pass.

He pulled his hand back from my inner thigh to my knee, my head turned to the side, I couldn’t even look at him, shaking like a leaf in a storm, tears falling down my face.

Every other fantasy of him I’d ever had was ruined, why not this one as well.

Would he hit me? Throw me back in the basement? He’d said he wasn’t into rape but would he take what I’d stupidly offered? Would he bother to try and stay gentle or make it hurt?

“Baby? Hey, is this too fast?” He asked softly giving my knee a squeeze, I didn’t react, bracing myself instead for the pain, the yelling, for a new Lesson to rain down on me.

I barely even registered him getting out from between my legs, helping me to sit up, making me look at him. He rubbed the tears off my cheeks and spoke gently too me until I was back.  
“Hey, hey it’s okay, you’re okay. Just breathe for me okay? In and out, that’s it, in… And out…”

Nothing happened, everything paused as I breathed with him, calm and gentle like I’d always known he was.

“You’re okay yeah? You’re… Not still a uh- Y’know…” He waited until I was calm before his gentle meandering banter got a little shy and bumbling.

I nodded, mostly to his first question, but I’d let him assume what he wanted to the mostly unasked second one, not sure if I made the right choice or not, flinching with a whimper as he gave a soft “Fuck” backtracking immediately to try and make me feel better, to prevent a second (fourth?) panic attack.

“No- No not you, I’m not mad just… Wow kinda fuck I uh never expected- I mean it’s okay! But fuck… God I am so sorry Lovely, are you okay?”

Letting myself be pulled to his chest, cuddled close, innocently being rocked in his arms I felt better, but now filled with guilt alongside the fear of disappointing him.

“I’m sorry.”  
“No! God no don’t be Baby! Hey, I was a late bloomer too and I get that whole ‘wanting to wait for someone special’ thing so don’t sweat it at all. I can go slow for you.”

I looked up at him now, seeing the sincere worry in his face, my lip starting to quiver with a fresh want of tears because of how sweet he was being right then. Who was this man? Where did the other one go?

How could I prevent that other Dan from ever coming back?

“I… Can I…” I looked away feeling my face hot with embarrassment but wanting him to be happy because-

Because if he was happy-

/I wouldn’t get hurt/

Because it was important to me that he was happy.

“Can you what Sweetie?”  
“Can I… suck it?”

His face lit up with surprise, maybe he was even blushing? I couldn’t tell in the low light.  
“You wanna try giving me a hot blowie?” Teasing he grinned, tampering down his own wants to give me a look.

Not a dangerous one, but a worried one.

“Are you sure?”

I nodded biting my lip hoping that this would be enough for him.

I needed him to stay happy.

Gentle.

“Well, fuck yeah!” Moving to the headboard he sat back against the pillows letting me crawl between his legs, patient while I geared myself up, touching him and worked my way to dipping my head down between his legs.

Even if a world of erotica hadn’t taught me more than I ever needed to know about giving blowjobs, Dan was very vocal, murmuring praise when I did something he liked and soft instruction when I was doing something he didn’t. His hand gently resting on my head, guiding me with light pressure or soft tugs to bring him to completion.

I tried my best, wanting nothing more than to please him. Ignoring my discomfort to give him whatever he wanted, he was bigger than anyone else I had been with, and it had been a long time. A sharp thrust, I gagged as he came, pulling off of him and getting the second spurt onto my face.

Scared to do otherwise I swallowed what was in my mouth, looking up at him with one eye to make sure that he wasn’t mad that I hadn’t stayed put to catch everything. Dan was breathing hard, his hand covering his mouth, at first stifling his moans but now that he was looking at me, wide eyed and splattered in cum, he was stifling his giggles.

“Oh shit, Oh Baby, oh God, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to get you in the face.” He laughed leaning over grabbing some tissues from his nightstand, pulling me up from between his legs, and giving my cheek a lick, tasting himself before he wiped the rest off peppering my face with kisses and thanks.

Holding me in gentle arms as he slept.

I kept spacing out the next day, my mind drifting back to the dark of his bedroom, the feel of Dan’s lips on mine, the weight of him in my mouth, his laugh, his gentle touch after.  
It was hard to think about anything else.

But I was learning.

—

Time passed.

Things were different.

Everything was still a fuzzy for me, my mind adrift for so long through hazes of pain that even though the cruel yelling and beatings had stopped, I was more drifting than focused.

It wasn’t a lie.

I was beginning to understand, to believe I wasn’t a dog anymore.

Whatever I was however was almost more terrifying. All the new rules, not knowing when I’d get hurt, too much touching, almost all of it gentle but the occasional light correction that reminded me not to get too cocky. 

I knew my place when Dan went to work, I still had to return to the basement. 

Some days waking up downstairs I couldn’t help wondering if everything up to that point had been a dream, a wonderful dream where Dan loved me and wanted me.

That it was a fantasy of us singing in the kitchen, watching movies with him on the sofa, talking to him late into the night where he would listen attentively to the smallest details of my life, asking a million questions and willing to answer anything about himself in return.

I was living for those evening dreams as the day slipped past in the dark, waiting for night to fall and Dan to return, as my emotions slowly changed from dread to eager anticipation when I heard the front door open. Even though I wasn’t his dog anymore, that my training was done, I still felt an anxious pressure, that he was still watching me, waiting, that he still didn’t entirely trust me.

But I could feel I was getting close.

And I needed his trust.

I existed in eager anticipation for the weekends, for Friday nights when he would come home and bring me upstairs, often he had eaten out with his friends and before those would be the days when I would often get nothing, but now he’d bring me something, or make me something special, even letting me choose whatever I wanted to eat. He would tell me about his day and we would discuss whatever book I had read that day before watching something on TV and going to bed where he would rub my feet, gently working and exercising my legs so that I could one day walk again.

Now instead of yelling when I made noises of pain or discomfort, he would apologize, kissing my feet as he begged forgiveness. Weekend Dan was patient, kind, generous with his time, Weekend Dan gave me two days of freedom, open for me to exercise or lay in the sun of the windows, or play video games, or watch him while he worked on his music.

Time was a fuzzy thing

And it passed in this new way without pain, without any new Lessons, with hundreds of tiny rules being broken without correction. Fear bled away as I became used to my new position, Dan took things slow like he’d promised, full of soft touches, never getting mad even as I cried or panicked, reminding me of my new place again and again as a cherished being that he loved. 

I got used to it, confident in it, forgetful in it.

I was sleeping in a sunbeam on the floor on one of those glorious weekends, partially waking up when I heard Dan come out of his bedroom talking on the phone.

“Dude but it’s my day off… Kinda yeah.” He gave a huff stepping over me over to the shelf in the living room and the dish where he kept his keys and wallet, no longer did I have to jump up every time he entered the room attentive to his wants. I still often did, but I was warm and sleepy, this Dan wasn’t the one who would kick me for being lazy when I was enjoying my sunbeam time, this Dan would apologize for my lack of vitamin D (make a joke about a different kind of vitamin D) and then leave me to catch some rays.

“Yeah… Yeah okay I get it I know ughhh just gimmie like half an hour to get there then? Or shit uh forty-five minutes max I dunno what the traffic is like but it’s the weekend so, yeah probably gonna be balls.”

He stepped over me again going back into his room, still talking, laughing about something while he said goodbye and packed up his laptop grabbing his jacket and putting them both at the door before coming back to me blocking my sun as he kneeled down gently touching my arm.

“Baby? Hey are you awake?”

I was, but didn’t really want to be, scrunching up my face I gave a little “Mmgh?” but kept my eyes closed.

“I’m sorry Lovely but I gotta go to the studio, a track got fucked up and we just need to re-record a small section. It’ll only be like three hours at most, probably less but… I need you to go downstairs while I’m gone.”

Opening my eyes I gave him a sleepy look and huffed, before even that much attitude would have gotten me hit or worse, but lately I’d been getting a little more bold in small ways. Never arguing or outright complaining, but just letting him know when I didn’t 100% like something. Strangely this new Dan encouraged it, no longer wanting to force me into doing things that I didn’t want to do, claiming he wanted to make me happy as I made him happy.

“I’m sorry Baby are you mad? Don’t be mad…” He took in a breath and held it looking away from me and at the door while I rolled over to get up. “Y’know what… No, go back to sleep Baby it’s okay.”

“Really?”

“Yeah…” He leaned down since I was sitting up now, taking the back of my head to pull me in closer so he could give me a kiss. “Go back to sleep, I’ll be back by four or four-thirty, I’ll bring you a chicken wrap from Ralph’s”

“Kay…”

I grabbed him before he got up, pulling myself up and him down again to give him a goodbye kiss making him grin, watching him while he left, settling back down into the warm sun.  
It was 1:30.

I laid there until two, my body shaking with anticipation, the time seeming to pass by so slow it almost felt like it was moving backwards, my heart pounding like a drum in my chest.

He’d left.

He’d left and I was upstairs.

The door was… Well I’d heard him lock it but I could reach the lock from the inside and there was no WAY he had any kind of lock on the outside, that would be too weird, someone would notice that, someone would question it.

I could…

I needed to go to the toilet, the sudden urge to pee hitting me so hard that I almost lost control right there on the floor, glad I was able to crawl my way to the bathroom before I did. I hadn’t had an accident upstairs and I didn’t want to go back to sleeping in the cold basement without clothing because I would get things dirty like a stupid bitch.

But I wouldn’t have to go back to the basement once I-

I looked over at the tub, filled with blood, a woman’s head floating in it, her dead eyes locked with mine making me jump, the scream in my throat stopping as the vision disappeared.

No blood, no body, white porcelain and shampoo bottles.

Crawling from the bathroom I went to the door my fingers stopping on THE LINE feeling a blade against my throat as I inched my fingers past the invisible barrier. The One Rule, feeling the blade dig into my flesh, peeling past the layer of skin.

Whimpering I backed up, putting my head onto the ground huddled in a ball, hands stuffed in my mouth wanting to scream.

“I can’t… I can’t.”  
/you already crossed the line, you BROKE THE RULE/  
“No… No I’m a good puppy, I don’t run away.”  
/But you have to. You tried to run once, if you don’t He’ll KILL YOU./

I knew he would, hands around my throat, familiar pressure thudding in my skull, only this time he wouldn’t let go, slamming me head into the floor. 

“You said you LOVED ME you LYING BITCH.”  
“I love you I love you I do god please I love you Dan…” I sobbed begging the vision of him to stop hurting me.

If I was good he wouldn’t hurt me, I KNEW this, he hadn’t hurt me in…

Days? Weeks? Months?

My mind drifted, reliving these good memories, so bright and precious, the old Dan was gone, I’d won hadn’t I?

Maybe it was okay, if I left just for a little while this Dan would forgive me, I just needed to go and…

And…

Do what?

That thought froze me more solid than the threats of violence did.

What did I really have waiting for me? Where would I go after leaving the house? Crawl my way to a police station? Would I tell on him? What proof did I have, my word against his, a nobody stalker verses a world renown internet celebrity. Who would believe me that he was the dangerous one and not me.

…

Well I didn’t have to tell did I?

This Dan was the Dan I knew he was, he was good and kind and brought happiness to people, I didn’t have to tell anyone, maybe that other Dan was gone and it would be okay.

I wouldn’t tell, he wouldn’t be mad if I didn’t tell, I would be safe then right?

Safe to…

Safe to pay for hundreds of thousands of dollars to get my legs fixed? Learn to walk again? Work some dead end job I would hate to pay off medical bills?

Go back to my tiny life where the only thing that once got me through the day was thoughts of him.

Thoughts I would no longer be able to entertain knowing what kind of person he really was.

One hand on the doorknob, I let go of it, sitting there looking at the door while I argued with myself, letting time slip away again because I was in a loop, unable to imagine a future better than what I had, scared of what would happen to me if I truly angered him by breaking this one Rule.

Looking to the clock I panicked seeing it blinking at 4:30 already. The door swinging open under my hand, knocking me back, Dan coming in and looking down at me with surprise.

“You stayed… You STAYED!”

He looked so happy, his face a twisted grin of elation as he grabbed me, pinned me down, pulled me close by the hair, his tongue in my mouth before I could stop him or say anything. Kissing at my neck, biting into my skin hard enough to make me cry out and try to push him away but I couldn’t, he wouldn’t let me.

“You CHOSE this! You can’t leave now, you stayed, you love me!”

His bites got harder, I could feel the pop of his teeth breaking through my skin, feel the pain as he tore out a chunk of my shoulder.

“We’ll be together-“

/f0reVeR/

I fell back away from the door, panting, looking around the empty room wildly, the urge to throw up building as I tried to shake off the deranged fantasy, looking back at the clock in fear that it was about to become real.

3:00

I gulped air, glad I’d already gone to the toilet because I would have pissed myself by now. If I left… If I stayed…

/I need to go, you need to go, go, go, go/  
“No I have to stay, I have nothing else, I have to stay, I can’t, I can’t…”  
“Dan… Dan I love you, I love you so much.”  
“You need to RUN.”

With shaking fingers I opened the door, feeling the fresh air against my face, seeing the houses and trees, the grass and street and…

Dan’s dark leather jacket.

Time slowed to a stop.

The door creaking all the way open, Dan’s back becoming fully exposed, his fluff of hair dented by his headphones, computer in his lap I could hear the soft music that he was working on through the headphones.

I kneeled there stupefied at the sight of him.

“I love you.”

He spoke turning and looked at me, a sad smile on his face. “I love you, I want to be with you, I’m your puppy, I’m a good girl isn’t that right? That’s what you said?”

“D-Da-Dan I-I-I” I stuttered as he closed his laptop and took off his headphones moving them to the side, standing up and looking at me his brows knitting with thought, he didn’t look angry, just disappointed.

“I almost believed you, you know? I was going to come inside in a minute, I wanted to believe you so MUCH.” He bit his lip and looked away and I could see a mist of tears in his eyes. “Was it all a lie?”

“No…” I whispered crawling forward to meet him. “No I do, I do…”

“Don’t LIE TO ME!” He yelled stepping forward towering over me.

“I’m NOT I’m not I swear!” I grabbed onto his leg, hugging it, clinging to him as horrified tears ran down my face. “I love you, I love you. I’m sorry, please give me another chance, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I made a mistake!”

“How can I believe that?” His voice sounded harsh, not angry but broken. “How is this a mistake? Whoops I broke the ONLY RULE YOU HAVE. How can I tell what comes out of your mouth is true or not anymore you’re a LIAR! You are nothing but another disgusting lying bitch.”

“No no no! I’m good I’m go—“

I yelped as he kicked me off of him, trying to crawl away as he kicked me again falling down off his porch and onto the grass.

Grass, where I was outside, where anyone could see I…

“HELP ME!!” I screamed, looking up and crawling toward the road now. “SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE!”

I looked around frantically, where was everyone, it was three on a weekend people should be home!

“PLEASE HELP SOMEONE!!”

I retched as I caught Dan’s foot right to my gut, dry heaving trying to catch the breath that he knocked clean out of me while laughing.

“What do you STILL think someone is going to save you? No one cares about you, you’re NOTHING, just some worthless dog who hasn’t learned it’s place.”  
Dan stepped onto the back of my head grinding my face into the dirt while he spoke, his voice harsher than I’d ever heard him speak before.  
“Did the bitch want to come outside and play? Is that it? Do I need to fucking take you for walkies now? You waste of my Goddamn TIME!” He pulled his foot back and kicked me again making me ball up covering myself as best I could from the assault while he kept kicking until he was done.

No one had come…

No one was coming.

“You might be a liar but I’m not…” He said softly finally bending over me petting my hair and gently running his hands over me while I cried, softly hushing my tears. “Shh, It’s okay… It’s okay I love you, even after this, I can’t believe it but I still love you, and we keep the promises we make to the ones we love. Come on, come on Baby it’s okay, lets go back inside okay? You’re alright now.”

Carefully he lifted me off of the ground, cradling me close, rocking me a little while he took me back inside, carrying me down to the basement.

Gentle hands, which Dan was this?

Placing me on the floor I watched, still crying, too hurt to move while he put the air mattress against the wall, folding up the blanket, putting it and the pillow on the stairs.

“God Baby, I was really hoping you wouldn’t come outside. I really thought that you wouldn’t.” He spoke softly to me now as I laid there watching him, my tears finally drying up. “A lot of things are going to happen now… I hope you won’t just lay there like a dead fish while they do.”

Dan stripped off his shirt, adding it to the pile of blankets and pillows, even pulling off his jeans.

“Do you want to take a guess at what we’re going to do now?”

I closed my eyes trying to pull my limbs in a little tighter to my body, whatever it was would hurt, would break what little of me was left.

“Oh… Oh Babygirl no not that, I told you I was willing to wait. I’d never do that to anyone no. I’ll give you a hint, I’m taking off my clothes just because I don’t want them to get dirty.”

Walking past me he went to the workbench off to the side, humming a little tune while he looked around for something. “I honestly thought that you’d stay so I didn’t even prepare anything! But well… Okay I’ll let you choose.”

Turning around he had a serrated kitchen knife in one hand and an exacto-knife in the other.  
“Which one?”

He knelt down holding them both out to me, smiling like he was asking me which bag of chips I wanted, not which blade I wanted to cut me.

Because I knew now that’s what he was going to do.

/I will carve off your skin if you cross this line./

“Go on Baby, it’s okay, pick one.”

I sat up looking at them, at him, trying to think of anything that might distract him from what he was going to do, to try and bring back the Dan I’d spent the last few weeks with instead of the other one. Thinking fast I pulled off my shirt, he said he wouldn’t force me but if I offered then maybe he wouldn’t cut me either? I could see how hard he was, old episodes of Criminal Minds and CSI jumping into my head, the adage of how killers did what they did due to impotence and their knives essentially being their replacement dicks to prove they were men.

I’d gotten him off twice already, easily too, and he was always kind after, if killing was what he had to do because he couldn’t fuck then…

This would be fine, I’d much rather do this than be skinned alive.

He looked confused as I stripped but stayed where he was, squatting over me like he was trying to puzzle out what I was doing.

He smiled blankly at me, his head cocking to the side, not moving at all as I crawled closer, daringly put myself between the two blades to run my hands up his legs, over his chest, pulling myself up kissing at his neck. “Wouldn’t you rather do something else?”

I heard the click of both blades as he put them down, his hands running up my back pulling me into a kiss.

It was soft and gentle, the sweetest nibbles against my lips, giving me hope that maybe this was what he needed, this was why he had given me this final test.

“Baby, I love you.” Dan murmured pulling back and looking at me running his thumb over my mouth. “So please don’t act like a stupid whore.”

He hit me then, knocking me to the ground, my mouth filling with blood as the impact cut my cheek against my teeth.

Grabbing a fistful of my hair he pulled me up dragging me across the floor closer to the workbench. “But y’know what? If you want to do something different right now that’s ok, we can play a little game instead if you’d like. I haven’t played this yet and I’ve been dying to try it.”

“Stay.”

I froze as he let me go, old training and new fear keeping me in place, sitting up and holding myself still as he moved away grabbing the dog collar and putting it back around my neck, clicking the lock and chain back in place.

It was a familiar weight.

Even though I was looking at the floor like an obedient dog, I could tell from the shadow that he wasn’t locking my chain up to the pipe, instead it lifted into the air, clicking as it attached to something else.

“Up!” Dan said making me look at him, standing off to the side holding a rope in his hand. “C’mon Baby, if you don’t wanna be some random bitch, up!”

I got onto my knees sitting up like a dog begging.

“Aww that’s cute but you gotta get up higher puppy, come on, stand up like a person.”

I couldn’t… He knew I couldn’t.

But I had to.

Shaking I put one foot down, wincing against the aching pain, feeling sparks of lightning in it as I put pressure on my legs trying to get up.

“Do you need help?”

I stupidly nodded.

“Okay! Up we go then!”

I couldn’t scream, my throat blocked completely by the collar as I flew into the air suspended from the roof by the chain.

“Y’know I really have to take some of the blame, I was treating you like a person before you were ready. People can walk and have jobs and lives. But look at you…”

He let go of the chain and I dropped back to the ground gasping for breath my legs on fire from taking the impact of my fall.

“Just a stray mutt who doesn’t even know a good thing when it’s given it.”

“DaaAGK!!” I tried to say his name, to beg him to stop but he pulled the chain again yanking me by my throat back up into the air.

“Puppy~” He gave a warning. “Don’t use your hands, if you wanna be people then you gotta act like a person.”

I had grabbed at the chain above my head using it to hoist myself up enough to keep breath in my body while he’d moved back to tie the rope to the pole, but he returned to my side and punched me in the gut making my arms drop to try and protect myself, a conflict between getting a gulp of air from the pressure at my throat or from getting all the air beaten out of me.

I tried, my toes pushing against the floor, legs shaking to keep myself up, but even if I could stand through the pain, I was a few inches too high off the ground to stop myself from suffocating.

“What? What is it? Do you hate me now? Do you want to break up? Speak up, you have to speak clearly if you want to be understood!” He laughed, a bitter sound. “I told you, you have to be honest with the ones you love or you’ll get hurt and I’ve ALWAYS been honest with you.”

“Daa…”

“You really only have yourself to blame.” His back turned to me and I found myself reaching towards him, I needed him, no one else was coming and he was the only one who could save me.

“Daann plsss. Hk—lphhh”

My eyesight was fading around the edges, the whole world a grey mass.

Somewhere through a tunnel I could hear a distant “Fuck…” and the darkening world distantly tilting, aware of an impact but I couldn’t feel it anymore.

Hands were on me, familiar gentle hands, I was aware of them but they were so far away, like someone kicking a numb limb. A hot breath of air and my body filled with static, the dark peeling back, Dan’s face shockingly close, the taste of him on my numb lips.

The scared look in his eyes, that familiar Dan that I’d betrayed fading into one of mirth as the old Dan laughed so hard that he was snorting.

“Hoooly shit c’mon how long are you gonna lay like that, aren’t you having fun?” He giggled grabbing my chain again, using it to pull me up to sitting.

“Plss Sstop” I croaked, my voice rough and painful. “I can’t-”

“What you can’t? You can’t be a person?”

“I don’t…” Coughing I grabbed at the chain trying to keep Dan from choking me anymore as he jerked it around. “What do you want?”

I heard and felt the chain drop from his hand. His voice confused, as though what he was saying was the most obvious thing ever.  
“I want you to love me. I thought you did and I was so happy and that’s all I wanted.”

I stared at him, flummoxed at how honest he looked, how sincere. 

How broken hearted he looked.

Bowing my head to the floor, curled up and clutching the chain, trying to protect myself from whatever was coming next I whispered softly.

“I do… I love you I do.”

“Fuck baby I want to believe you I really do.” His voice was soft, that gentle man that I knew and hurt. “I want to believe you but I can’t trust you to keep your word… But don’t worry.”

His hand ran up my back, fingers massaging my head until my shaking stopped “Don’t worry love, you can trust me, it’s okay you can trust me, I will never lie to you.”

With a yank I let out a yelp, my head snapping back as he exposed my neck.

“I will always keep my promises to you.”

The blade dug into my skin under my jaw, warm blood dripping down my chest as he sliced into me slowly, letting me feel every inch of it until I couldn’t scream any longer.

Just like he’d promised.


	7. He reserves the quite defence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited Feb 2018  
> -Combined Chapter's 8 & 9
> 
> WARNING: Torture, Illness, Mention of animal killing, Murder, Blood, Stockholm Syndrom.

“Have you notice Dan acting kinda weird lately?”

Brian waited until Dan had left for the day before he casually broached the subject with Barry, Arin might have known better if Dan had said anything in or out of a session, but if it was important enough that he’d said something to Arin he usually would have spoken to Brian as well. Whatever it was that was bothering him now, Dan was being oddly elusive about it.

Brian had known Dan long enough to just have a sense when even small things were off, Dan wasn’t very good at truly masking his emotions and as much as he tried to put on a happy face it was easy to see that everything wasn’t going well. He seemed distracted, more irritable than usual, but what worried Brian most was the sense of sadness around the normally chipper man. Barry was better at noticing these sorts of things more than anyone else, even though they weren’t roommates anymore he occasionally knew what was up with Dan when the older man didn’t want to bring it up with the group.

“What do you mean?”

“I dunno like he’s working a bit too hard or… He just seems tense about something.”

Dan was a hard worker no one would deny that, willing to drive himself to sickness to get things done. But Dan was also very lax with his schedule, over the past few months he had been upbeat, happy, but was leaving the office space earlier than usual, and while it wasn’t unusual for him to demand a set scheduled down time, he never used to buck at being called in if they could get a last moment recording session or a late night lyrics jam, but over the last few months he had been.

Well for a while he’d kept up a schedule, and then suddenly it seemed like he couldn’t stay at the office enough, hanging out as late as he could, asking if anyone wanted dinner or to go out after, not unusual except he didn’t seem happy about it, more like he was trying to distract himself.

Mood swings weren’t uncommon to Dan either, Brian had seen him cycle through happiness and sadness as life would bring joy and trial to everyone, but usually when these things happened Dan would open up and tell people about the things bugging him, but to Brian at least he’d been rather close-lipped as of late.

Brian knew Dan had been seeing his therapist a bit more lately which worried him, not that much since at least Dan was talking to someone, but he always hoped Dan felt safe enough to come to Brian for his problems too.

“He had a new girlfriend for a while.” Barry replied. “Maybe they broke up?”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I dunno really, I kinda met her in passing but we didn’t really talk, he said he really liked her but…” Barry shrugged, Brian knew that Dan was a bit of a serial dater even though he threw his heart into each relationship it was hard for him to really settle down with anyone for long term, the emotional rollercoaster did sometimes put Dan in a mood for a while.

Brian thought about it and gave a little “huh” feeling slightly put out that Dan wouldn’t tell him about his love life, but could understand that maybe he wouldn’t want to bring up those problems with a married man. Still he decided to harass Dan about it later, if it was simply lady troubles it would pass, but it seemed more than that. Brian just couldn’t put his finger on what felt so off about Dan’s mood as of late.

—

I was on the beach, warm and comfortable, not too hot, maybe just a little cold, the wind coming off of the ocean chilling my wet skin. Walking in the sand I watched the people, some swimming, some playing frisbee, some laying on their towels in the sand just soaking in the heat of the sun. I could see some of my friends ahead of me, but I didn’t really feel like running to catch up, this was fine, I was too hot to move too fast.

They stopped when we came up to a small playground, there were some kids there but not many, I caught up while they were milling about and looked over to see a man sitting on the swings, his body facing away but his head snapping around backwards to look at me.

“What was that?” He said with a smile filling me with terror.

I opened my eyes and saw nothing, heard nothing, felt nothing.

I closed my eyes again.

I was back at my old elementary school, the halls filled with students pulling gifts out of their lockers, or trying to wrap their gifts on the ground in the hallways, I picked my way past them, I needed to go to the office because I felt that I shouldn’t be there.

Who was I visiting? Maybe an old teacher, I wondered if they would even remember me after all this time.

As I made my way to the doors, I felt like maybe it was inappropriate to try and visit some teacher that I’d never kept in contact with, elementary school was a long, long time ago.

Who would remember me?

Instead I went outside, down the steps and into a field that I couldn’t remember being there. At the end was a highway, the sky turning purple as the sun set, a mist coming in over the road. I pulled out my cellphone, I should call someone to pick me up, it’s getting late and I didn’t remember where my car was.

A bright light flashed, pain as I opened my eyes, rough hands peeling off tape, stinging alcohol, a cold bowl my face was pushed into that smelled of rancid slop that I was so hungry I licked up without complaint.

“Thank you.” I remembered to croak from somewhere far away.

Silence and then darkness once more.

A barbecue by a river, a plate full of meat on my lap, juicy steak and sweet sausage that no matter how much I ate I didn’t feel full. I stood up to get more, but the cooking was done, I was sad but it was time to go and see the fireworks!

They were so loud, thumping and making me feel uncomfortable to hear them, I closed my eyes, covering my ears with my hands crying until they stopped and the quiet came, still crying when the light came back and he was there.

Beautiful and terrible standing before me I could only bow my head and sob, I wanted him, and he was here, but why was I so sad?

Darkness returned.

I looked around for my friends, the voice in my ear was familiar but one that I didn’t want to hear, there was someone I needed to find but I couldn’t remember who, I was searching for them through crowds of faceless people, it was dark and I was so hot.

“Are you listening?”

I am, but it’s getting dark and it’s hard to see.

“Do you forgive me?”

Of course I do.

“Do you love me?”

Yes.

“Fuck I am so sorry.”

I wasn’t sure what was going on anymore, I was struggling to stay awake, I needed to see him, what he was saying was important, but it was starting to rain, cold drops falling on my face, my entire body getting soaked completely, bodiless hands were grabbing at me, pulling me harshly this way and that.

“Please, I’m sorry, it was a mistake, don’t leave me.”

It was cold, so cold, dragging me down to the ground.

Then I was flying, it was dark and light and dark again. Something sweet and hot filled my mouth, a warm arm around me holding me tight. Flickers of light and dark, heat and salt, pain, so much pain before sliding back to nothing.

“Do you love me?”

“I do.”

We went outside to see the fireworks together.

I closed my eyes against their harsh light.

The screaming made me open them again.

“Morning Baby!” Dan’s voice woke me up.

Feeling weak and dizzy I still sat up carefully, rubbing the crusted sleep from my eyes. Too blurred and brain dead to even realize that I wasn’t greeting him as I should but also not entire sure if this was real or yet another dream.

“How are you feeling?”

“Better, thank you.” I mumbled, my jaw hurt when I spoke, the scabbed skin pulling painfully  
I felt nothing beyond dull confusion, pain, and the uncomfortable feeling of being too hot on the outside while too cold on the inside.

Coming closer I didn’t flinch away from him at all, leaning into his hands that felt so cool against my warm face as he touched my forehead and cheeks, letting out a small whine when he moved away but it was barely a whisper of desire.

I was too empty to feel anything but pain and sadness.

“Open”

I opened my mouth letting him put the thermometer in, keeping it under my tongue while I waited for it to beep.

“Shit.”

I looked away, the number wasn’t one that he wanted to see but I couldn’t help that. Closing my eyes I laid back down, the sheets cold and wet with my sweat, I could distantly hear Dan still talking but I was already gone.

I was in the woods camping, I didn’t really want to be there, the smoke was too thick from the fire, I wanted to move around to the side that was less smokey but there was no place to sit and I felt too drunk to get up.

Bitter drink filled my mouth, stinging my throat on the inside and out.

The light of the fire flickered and burned my eyes before I looked away and was back with him.

“I think your fever is coming down.”

Eyes closed.

I was flying, and I was so scared I couldn’t even breathe, someone was choking me, downing me in a sea of needles that dug into my blazing hot skin, warm arms holding me tight whispering things to me that made me feel safe despite the pain.

—

“You’re going home early?”

“Uh yeah.” Dan looked a little embarrassed, it wasn’t like he wasn’t allowed to leave when he wanted to, they didn’t exactly have a strict time schedule, as long as they got certain things done in a day they were free to do what they liked afterward. 

Brian was just surprised since they did have other stuff they could do, and normally with Dan’s work ethic would do, but he’d been coming in late and leaving early lately.

“My uh… My girlfriend has been sick lately and I’ve been helping her out so y’know…”

“Oh? Is this the same girl Barry met?”

Dan’s head bobbed side to side “Yeah.”

“She okay?” After all with how Dan had been lately if she was seriously sick it would explain his moods, “I mean if you need time off…”

“No, no it’s fine we just had a bit of a fight before this, I kinda fucked up so now I just- Y’know I just wanna help, make things work and shit y’know?”

Brian grinned in a way that made Dan shift uncomfortably, an embarrassed blush creeping over him as he grumbled for the older man to shut up even though he’d yet to start his teasing. 

“What’s this? Is Sexbang gonna get an honest man made out of him.”  
“Shut up dude.”  
“What? I want to meet this girl! Who is she? Do I know her?”  
“Fuck off Bri.” Dan was grinning so Brian knew he wasn’t in any actual trouble, but he let Dan run away from the conversation. 

“I hope she gets better soon!”

Dan’s smile was a little odd as he waved Brian off, making him worry once more about the seriousness of her illness as he barely caught Dan’s reply.

“I hope so too.”

-  
   
Opening my eyes again, feeling the world sharper and clearer than before I shakily sat up. I was on the floor next to Dan’s bed, it wasn’t a dream but I felt like I wasn’t really there, like I was watching someone else as they crawled out of his room silently on unsteady hands and knees through the living room, into the kitchen, checking the bathrooms too.

Even looking down into the basement.

Dan wasn’t here.

There was a whisper in my head, something, something important that I needed to do.

But I was so tired.

I went back to the bedroom, grabbing the blanket that was on me when I had awoken, and the pillow, dragging them with me to the living room, wrapping myself up again in a sunbeam.

Swinging in the park, rocking gently on a boat, wrapped up like a mummy and not feeling scared as I was lowered into my sarcophagus, my mind free and heart light as a feather.

And still the crocodile came with smiling teeth and such sad tears.

—

I woke up back in the basement, I couldn’t remember how I got there, my head hurt, feeling like it was full of cotton, memories were coming slower but this was all familiar by now, I knew this mattress, these blankets, this dark world that had been my home for so long.

The bandage under my chin was new but I barely brushed it before I felt a warning crawl through me, a memory rattling almost loose but I didn’t want it, wasn’t ready for it.

Like water it slipped through my mind.

But maybe I was distracted by a muffled sound nearby.

Looking over there was a woman standing across from me.

Her arms were chained above her head from a familiar hook that made my breath feel tight, there were bruises all over her exposed sides, but her face was clear other than the streaked running makeup from her crying.

She looked at me and made a muffled noise, a ballgag in her mouth but was still able to emit quite a few sharp sounds.

I had no idea how she got there, but then again, I couldn’t even remember how I got here.

Wriggling on her chain and making urgent noises at me it was enough to pique my curiosity, crawling out from the bed I barely made it closer before I had to stop, shaking and feeling breathless and weak. She was crying still, trying to make encouraging sounds at me, for as much as I was focused on helping, I was weak as a kitten physically.

I tried again to get closer but blackness returned, the sharp sound of her screaming and dull thumps of feet on stairs brought me back to the light not knowing how much time had passed in that blink as I pushed myself up off the cold cement.

“Hey Darlin~ You’re up!” Dan smiled at me as he came down the stairs, a very happy smile on his face as he came closer, kneeling and helping me sit up off the floor, gentle hands on my forehead once more. “How are you feeling today?”

“Better, dizzy, okay, thank you.” My voice was dry and misty, I kept my eyes on him, only on him, needing to see who he was today, was he Dan or was he the other?

“That’s good, I’m glad.” He looked happy, I smiled it was the gentle Dan here right now, softly checking on my weakened condition. “I wanted to apologize, really apologize for cheating on you, it was wrong of me and I’m sorry.”

His face fell when I looked blank and confused.

“Do you love me?” It was a familiar echo and I knew the refrain.

“Of course.”

“You’ve been really sick for a while Love, and I- I was very upset with you, can you remember?”

I thought about it, a shudder running through me as fragments of something terrible scratched the back of my mind.

“You were here but, well you were sick. I- God I didn’t mean to, I was just-“ He stopped himself from babbling a sad but determined look on his face. “No, no excuses. I slept with… her…” For all that he’d tried to pump himself up and be brave Dan looked guilty giving the smallest of nods behind him to the woman standing there making shrill noises, struggling violently against her chain.

I looked at her, my brows creasing, feeling a hot burn in my eyes before I looked away.

/I was going to die/

Did that mean he didn’t love me anymore?

“I- I was bad.” I nodded to myself, remembering a little of what I had done, of what had transpired. My body tightened trying to protect myself, not allowing Dan’s gentle hands to relax me. “And now you don’t want me?”

I was being replaced.

/at least this nightmare will be over/

“Oh my god no!” Scruffy kisses and soft touches rained down on me until I opened back up, relaxing against him once more. Apologies and small professes of affection were all there, but I still hurt so much, not just physically, something ached in my chest that felt like he’d stabbed me as he confessed to his sins.

I actually knew the feeling, somewhere I could remember it.

“I was just so angry, and I wanted to hurt you and that was wrong of me, it’s been wrong of me for a while.”

Carefully he helped me get back onto my mattress, wrapping me up in the blanket, hands lingering like he didn’t want to let me go.

But he did, moving closer to the woman, reaching up to let her down.

“I wanted to apologize, really apologize for cheating on you, it was wrong of me and I’m sorry.”

She hit the ground, tired from standing on her toes for who knew how long. Her arms over-stretched and useless, but she wriggled to get away from Dan, clawing at the gag so she could speak.

“Please, I won’t tell anyone just let me—“

Dan swung his leg, catching the woman right in the ribs as she tried to worm her way past him to the stairs. I let my attention drift to her, my body knowing the exact pain she must have felt when he grabbed her by the hair and dragged her screaming over toward me.

“Shut UP! You need to apologize too” He pushed her head down in front of me slamming it hard against the ground, hard enough that she went silent and limp, a worried frown on my lips wondering if that was enough to have killed her.

A low moan let me know it was not.

“Oh… You’re mad.” Dan sighed and then thumped the woman’s forehead against the ground one more time for good measure. “Yeah ok, I understand, I mean cheating isn’t her fault after all, it’s mine. I just- I just wanted to- well, I needed to show you that I still care about you.”

I nodded not sure why she was here if that was the case.

“Look, I know we’re still in a rough patch and I want to work on forgiving you and I hope that you’ll do the same for me okay?”

“Please, please let me go I won’t tell anyone please, I have a husband a-and kids please.”

Thinking about it I found it hard to think with the woman’s begging, but I could see that in his own way he was trying, he wanted me, he was willing to forgive me so how could I not do the same for him?

Reaching out, feeling him take my hand with his free one I finally looked up at him, looking into his sad brown eyes.

“I miss you.”

He smiled, gripping my hand a little too tight bringing it close to kiss my fingertips, his voice shaking with emotion. “I miss you too. I- God I was so scared that-“

He sniffed, cutting himself off, not saying what it was he was scared of. Did he actually think that I wouldn’t have forgiven him? That I still would want to leave?

He looked a little shy, giving me a small eager smile. “I got you a present.”

Slamming the woman’s head into the ground one last time he got up, she moaned, rolling to the side letting me see the wet red impact of her face against the floor but unable to move much further than that.

Coming back he shoved her out of the way with his foot, kneeling with a grin on his face, his whole body vibrating with excitement as he handed me a long wooden box.

“Open it.”

Inside the box was a knife, a beautiful knife if you could ever describe a weapon that way. As much art as it was utility, a strange fat blade that the tip hooked up oddly making me think of a rhinoceros.

I felt myself shaking just looking at it, he’d offered me a choice of knives before, to let me choose which weapon he would hurt me with, was I still going to be punished for that?

I was forgiving him, wasn’t he going to forgive me too?

“Take it out, it’s yours.”

Pulling out the knife I looked it over carefully, wanting to appreciate the gift. He’d never really given me a present before. Well not a physical one, thousands of daily gifts like food, water, life itself, but never a thing. I didn’t know much about knives but it must have been expensive, the wooden handle dyed a light blue, the way that the blade was made from some kind of layered folded metal that reminded me of expensive Japanese cooking knives I’d seen in shops that I would never be able to afford myself.

“It’s beautiful- Dan I-” I didn’t really know what to say to such a gift, I was crying though.

I guess I was so happy with it.

“I know- I know I can’t buy your forgiveness but I thought- I felt like we need to get closer as a couple.” He helped me put the knife back so that he could take my hands, my face, needing to touch me, to squirm and fidget with his own anxiety as he spoke. “Look I’ve been unfair and after thinking about it I could understand why you wanted to leave I- I know I’ve been distant and that’s something I want, no, I need to work on. I have a hard time trusting and opening up. After- Well I spoke to my therapist and she said that’s what was pushing you away.”

I nodded, my eyes slipping from his face as the woman let out a low moan looking up at me trying to struggle back to getting her body under control, to get away. My eyes snapped back to Dan’s as he collected himself to keep talking.

“Constantly testing you, not trusting you doesn’t exactly build a relationship and I get that now. I’ve been the one putting up walls and I don’t want to do that with you, not anymore okay?”

I could see past Dan, just enough to slightly see the movement of the woman so close to the stairs. I focused nodding again at him, reaching out to bring his face closer to me. “I’m sorry I tried to leave. I don’t want to, I want to be with you.”

“I’m sorry I’ve been pushing you away, sending you mixed signals. Can we try again? Start over from the beginning?”

“Of course.”

He let out a breath, a happy emotional sound coming out of him.

“Thank you. I love you thank you.” As his lips touched mine I felt the cold press of wood in my hand, a jolt of stiff pain as he pulled me from my bed, pushing back the blankets, helping me to stand, holding me up from behind to shuffle closer to the woman who was struggling to get away, barely up three of the basement steps.

“Hold on okay Sweetie? Really tight, hold out your hand.”

I did as I was told, Dan gripping my hand with the knife to keep it steady.

“Can you forgive me?”

“I do.”

“I forgive you too. I love you Baby.”

Something dark passed over my eyes as we moved forward together, a strange gurgling sound, heat spreading over my fingers, sticky like warm honey, pennies filling my nose and mouth.

My head turned away, eyes only on Dan as the room went quiet.

“I love you too.”

—

They’d been working so hard lately that Brian wasn’t that surprised when Dan didn’t answer his text right away.

He’d had a few days where he’d turned his phone off, making Brian worry about Dan’s health, maybe his girlfriends health? Dan was often squirly about details of his love life, never wanting to let out too much information. Dan would sidestep questions with the fact that she was mostly fine, that things were getting better, and Brian would try not to push since Dan would eventually turn his phone back on and get back to whomever was messaging him.

But things were getting busier, day’s off were sketchy, with weekends spent trying to get final recordings done, weekdays spent shooting various videos, and every moment possible making sure they had enough time logged in at the Grump space to keep their video’s flowing continuously for their fans. People didn’t see much of the behind-the-scenes work that had to be done for their jobs.

Singing or writing music never seemed like a “tough job” until you tried doing it for yourself and saw how many hours went into it.

Not many people outside of the industry knew how each song had to be practiced over and over again until it was memorized to perfection, until you could do it in your sleep, only then did you record a single song, and then record it again, and again, and again and again, and then you’d record the backing lyrics, then listen, and edit, and do it all over again for the next song, or repeat the entire process for the same song because something was off, which could be anything from a single note wavering in your voice, to a fly’s fart across the room that got picked up in the audio during the most otherwise perfect rendition you’d done that day.

Same even went for their work on the show, vocal exercises, setup, practice, record, break, record, possibly re-record if something went wrong or felt off, discuss anything that maybe would or would not be specifically touched upon during the game, record again…

Meetings, legalities, travelling, more meetings.

So when Dan went home at the end of the night or took his one or two days off that week and didn’t reply to anyone, especially anything work related, Brian wasn’t bothered.

Except he really needed a favour, like, right now.

Knocking on Dan’s door he looked back at his phone and called Dan again, ignored texts were one thing but ignored calls another. His car was here but no one was answering, putting an ear to the door he could hear the faint sound of music inside the house but not loud enough that it would block out the sound of a phone ringing.

“Dan?” Brian knocked again, more with his fist this time and less polite, ringing the doorbell again moving from being annoyed to being worried.

Dan had been working really hard, for a while pushing himself too hard but more recently he’d been starting to go back home again at regular times. Dan’s general disposition had been getting better so he assumed that his love life was doing the same, Brian couldn’t imagine a woman who would keep Dan occupied for this long especially with Brian calling him multiple times.

But Dan did have delicate health, and maybe so did she based on what small conversations he’d gotten lately. Had Dan collapsed? What if the stress was getting to him? What if things weren’t going as well as Dan pretended they were and he’d-

Brain shook that last thought out of his head, not wanting to even remotely think that things had gotten that bad for Dan, something had been off for a while but it couldn’t have been THAT bad.

Looking inside the window trying to see if someone was inside Brian’s blood ran cold seeing a foot sticking out from behind the sofa.

“DAN?!” He banged on the door again this time trying to open it, slamming his shoulder into it cursing when that accomplished little more than making his shoulder hurt.

Brian had the 9 in his phone before he nearly dropped it when Dan’s voice called out from behind him. “Dude what the fuck are you doing?”

“Fuck! Jesus Dan you scared the shit out of me christ are you okay?”

“I’m… Fine? What’s going on?”

“Where were you? Why aren’t you answering your phone? Who’s in your house? Are they okay?” Brian was now past being panicked about the idea of it being Dan collapsed on the floor and was now worried about both who was there, and what condition they were in.

“Uh… I just went out to grab some stuff.” He patted his pockets and looked a little worried. “And shit, I don’t know where my phone is right now. What’s up? Why are you here anyway?”  
Brian gave him a bit of a long look, not appreciating the change in topic but understanding it as being a valid one.

“Audrey and Rachel both got sick and the doc said it’d be better if Coco wasn’t in the house for a few days or she might catch it too. I thought you might be okay taking her for a few days, just like, two tops.”

“Oh yeah, that’s cool… Uh Bri what are you doing?”

Brian was now looking back in Dan’s window trying to see the person who was in there. “Your friend is on the…” He looked closer, the foot he swore he’d seen was gone. “Who’s at your house?”

“No one.”

Brian looked at Dan, he sounded kind of weird with how he answered that, but he was smiling and looking at Brian like HE was the one who’d lost his mind.

“Are… You sure?”

“Why?”

“I could have sworn I saw someone on the floor, I thought you’d collapsed and that’s why you weren’t answering your phone. I was about to call 911.”

“You didn’t did you?”

“No not yet, you got here before I did and made an ass of myself.”

“Glad I did, would have been kinda pissed if you broke down my door.”

Brian gave the window a final little look before pointing to his car. “Lemmi grab Coco, I brought some food and doggie bags and stuff for her, if she makes a mess I can come by and clean it up or pay for the cleaning.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine she’s a good girl. I don’t mind a little pupper around the house for the weekend.”

“You don’t have anything planned?”

“Nah not much, just gonna hang out at home. Went swimming this morning, fuck I hope I didn’t leave my phone at the pool.”

“No hot date?”  
“Nah.”

As Brian got Coco out of the car Dan opened up his own car poking through looking for his cell.

“Can you call it again?”  
“Sure.”

They both stood silent listening for the ring but caught nothing.  
“Want me to come inside and give it a ring? Maybe it’s in the house?”  
“Yeah okay.”

Brian called Dan a klutz when he dropped his keys to open the door needing to hold back Coco from trying to either pick them up or bathe Dan’s face since it got low enough for her to be able to, Dan not helping since he took a minute to baby-talk at her and get a happy dog tongue to the side of his head.

“Can I let her off the leash or do you have unmentionables on the floor?”  
“She’s not like super bitey is she?”  
“Nah.”

“Wait…” Dan dashed forward and closed his bedroom door. “Okay let’er loose.”  
Coco immediately jumped up to give Dan’s crotch a thorough sniffing before she scuttled off to investigate the house.

“Here, this should be enough for today and tomorrow, bring her into work on Monday, she can spend the day at the office and I’ll figure out what to do then depending on how the girls are.” Brian handed Dan what looked like a baby bag only it was filled with dog things. Looking around the living room he followed Dan into the kitchen realizing that what he thought was a foot must have just been the blanket that was laying in the sun behind the sofa.

“No prob…”  
“Want me to call your phone again?”  
“Oh yeah please!”

Brain looked at the counter in the kitchen seeing that Dan had been in the middle of making lunch when he’d left. Probably forgot to get something, half cut vegetables on the counter and dishes around. Dan slowly walked through listening for the ring, shushing the dog who barked at his bedroom door clearly offended by there being a room she wasn’t permitted in.

“Did you leave it at your girlfriend’s place?”  
Dan gave him a sort of weird look.  
“What makes you say that?”

“Oh- Sorry if you already broke up, you were in kind of an up-down mood, you said you were taking care of her while she was sick, I assumed you got back together? She got better right?”  
“Ah… Yeah, she’s on the mend, but we’re… Well we had a bit of a rough patch for a while, we were both having some trust issues with one another and it turned into a bit of a big blowout.”  
“Yeah I noticed you’ve been off. So you guys…?”  
“We’re working on it actually. I mean— I dunno, usually I don’t bother but this one… There’s just something different and we were doing so good for so long and it was, okay well a little bit my fault.”

Brian snorted. “If I know you and women you mean all your fault?”  
“Ok yeah probably all my fault.  
“Probably?”

“OK SO I went and almost completely fucked it all up but we talked it out and…” Dan gave a silly little grin and shrugged turning to Coco who was really barking at his bedroom door now.  
“Jesus knock it off Coco!”

“Dan, your girlfriends not here is she?”  
“No.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Yes.”

Brian was grinning having already moved to pull Coco away from Dan’s bedroom door.

“It’s not like I would tell her some terrible story about how on our last tour you got super lonely and cried while I was blowing you.” He spoke loudly enough that if anyone was in his room they would absolutely hear him.

“Brian… Shut the fuck up really.” Dan’s words were harsh but he was giggling as he usually did.

“What? If no one’s here then there’s no reason to be ashamed of how great I am at giving you the best Beej’s ever.”

“Dude you don’t and /I/ just don’t want to fucking hear about your unquenchable thirst for my schlong. Which I assure you, you will never, ever touch.”

“Well in that case then.”

Brian let go of Coco and opened Dan’s bedroom door getting an angry sounding yell out of the younger man. Coco immediately jumped on the bed proud of her position.

“No Coco down! Goddamn it Brian.”

Most of it was just his usual desire to be a dick but a part of it was that Brian really could have sworn there was someone else in the house. The foot behind the sofa had just seemed too real to him and Dan seemed so off on some of his answers. He could see into Dan’s open closet and the bathroom while he helped pull Coco off his bed apologizing to Dan about that and scolding the animal since she knew she wasn’t supposed to go onto beds, helping him kick her out of the room.

“Okay, okay sorry about that, thank you for taking her anyway, I’ll pay you back.”  
“How about just never talk about blowing me again and we call it even.”  
“Ha! Funny guy Avidan.”

Dan flipped him off as he left watching him get in his car and drive away before going back inside the smile dropping off his face.

Certainly he was glad Brian hadn’t found his guest, a little surprised too but they knew they weren’t supposed to be seen.

Only…

Where had she gone? He assumed the bedroom especially with how Coco had been acting but no one was there.

He knew she hated it but opened the basement looking down into the dark, going all the way to the bottom to just make sure, heading back upstairs and looking again in his room, this time checking under the bed, Coco was following him around which was making him more worried since usually she’d be all over a new person.

A chant of “No… No, no, no.” started to come out of him as he went into the bathroom and opened up the hall closet and then dashed out into the backyard looking around if they’d just hidden outside.

Pushing Coco back into the house he dashed out the front door checking the side gate and looking under his car and inside it panic welling up inside of him as he muttered under his breath.

“No… No baby no don’t fucking do this DON’T FUCKING DO THIS TO ME!”

Looking up and down the street he couldn’t see anyone, a car went by and he gave a manic grin to them so as not to seem suspicious but he was about to scream jogging up the road and doing a loop around the block and up a side street before stopping, his eyes wide and heart clawing it’s way out his throat.

“You… You bitch… You fucking lying bitch.”

Tears prickled his eyes and his stomach rolled realizing full well how much trouble he was going to be in if you told people about him.

He’d lose everything.

But event then, there was something more about this bothering him, more than the possibility that she would talk, a broiling sickening sense of betrayal.

“Kill… I’m gonna fucking kill you… You fucking WHORE.” His arm shot out and he punched the side of a garage that he was standing near, the pain giving him focus. He’d trusted her, he’d actually trusted her, they’d gone through all that, he’d taken her back after she’d lied and she’d taken him back after he cheated and he though, he stupidly thought that things were okay.

/Go home, find your phone, be calm, I can do this, I will fucking tear her apart./

Taking a calming breath Dan walked home nearly blind to the world around him yet still keeping his eyes open, listening for the slightest whimper, the scuff of hands and knees on the ground, his mind ablaze visualizing how he would break every bone, peel of every inch of flesh, he would take it slow, so slow and she would beg for death, he would feed her own tongue and fingers to her…

His vision was red by the time he reached his house, a part of him in the back of his head regretting having agreed to watching Brian’s dog, he didn’t want to hurt her, he hated the idea of hurting an innocent dog at all, but in that moment he knew his rage was too big, he was barely keeping control as it was there was no way that Coco would be spared from it, and he’d have to make some excuse about how she’d run away, some part of his mind that wasn’t completely on fire with anger already plotting what excuse he would give, what tortures he would deliver to calm him down for now.

“Dan?”

He froze in the door of the kitchen his eyes wide, as a voice cut through the anger draining the bloodlust out of him faster than a knife to the jugular.

“Dan are you okay?”

He looked down, like a sweet vision, smiling up at him like nothing was wrong rubbing Coco’s belly. His eye flicked to the cupboard under the sink that was open, the space she’d hidden in. 

She’d hidden there so Brian wouldn’t have seen her, in a place he wouldn’t have thought to look.

That Dan hadn’t even thought to look.

“You’re… Still here.”

“Of course I am. Is something wrong? You’re crying.”

Dan brought a hand up to his face, feeling his wet cheeks, laughing at the discovery of tears, he stumbled forward feeling weak and jittery as all his anger and energy was gone, falling to his knees to hug her tight enough to make her squeak, laughing at her, laughing at the dog that was now licking at his face, laughing because…

She really had forgiven him.

She had stayed.

—

Forgiveness is something that needs to be earned just as trust is something that needs to be built over time.

Dan had forgiven me, and he wanted to trust me, we talked openly of his ‘tests’ of my trust, agreeing that they were not healthy, that if he couldn’t open himself to trust me, how could I open myself to trust him.

“Trust,” he told me repeating what his psychiatrist said, “Is a seesaw balanced perfectly between two people. Expecting one person to do all the work while the other holds all the power makes the other person want to get off and won’t build anything between us.”

I needed to try and work as well, being open and honest about my thoughts and feelings, being more open to really listening to him and him really listening to me, no more punishments for things that were out of my control.

My things were moved upstairs.

However I wasn’t sleeping in his bed.

Maybe he still felt bad that he’d slept with someone else, maybe it was that he was still a little upset with me, it was okay though. We were taking it slow, starting again from scratch, no secrets, no mistrust, no tests.

Balance.

He cleared out the bottom drawer of his dresser for me, making it my space for my things, not that I had many but he’d promised that he wouldn’t go into that drawer, that it was now “My space” and I trusted that he would keep his word.

I kept my knife in there. A precious gift from Dan, kept in it’s box, wrapped up at the bottom under everything else in the furthest corner where it wouldn’t be disturbed.

There was lot of trust in that small space.

Even though I was healthy, my fever gone and my body slowly healing, I found myself fading in and out more, sitting in rooms not remembering how I got there, how long I’d been there for, what I’d been doing before that, or why I was there in the first place. I remembered, however long ago, how much I knew every facet of Dan’s schedule. What times he’d left in the morning, where he was going each day, when he’d return.

Now I could barely keep track of what day it was, would Dan be home in a few minutes or a few hours? Had he left for work already or was he just in the bathroom? Was it lunch on a weekend, or were we having breakfast for dinner and the sun is actually going down not coming up?

I was glad that Dan didn’t seem to mind it at all, he’d laugh and say “Now I know how Arin feels when I space out on him. Finally found someone ditzier than me!” Sweetly he would leave me notes if there was something he wanted me to remember in the day, occasionally just leaving me notes with a little heart and ILU on it if there were no chores that he wanted me to do.

I was glad though.

I kept seeing things that those loving notes helped keep away. The image of glossy dead eyes, the taste of copper, sticky red handprints.

So much red everywhere.

I’d touch the bandages on my face and remember the sensation of my skin peeling back and find myself slamming my own head against something, my fists, a wall, the floor, trying to knock the memory loose before it became too strong and the urge to scream overtook me.

I needed to remember that Dan told the truth, that Dan kept his promises, that Dan loved me.

The pain I needed to forget, just the lesson had to be kept.

A lot of trust.

A thing to be built.


	8. Riding out the day's events

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited Feb 10 2018
> 
> WARNINGS: Abuse, PTSD, Look if you don't realize that every chapter from here on out is gonna be 100% Stockholm then I can't help you

“Hey Babycakes~ What’cha doin?”

Dan had come home, at first he’d ignored me, putting the box he was carrying onto the kitchen table, but soon made his way to the adjourning room where I could almost always be found. 

The space next to the kitchen had a large sun facing window overlooking the back porch, he had no neighbours back there who could look into this window or block the nearly all day light, after being in the basement for so long in the dark I just wanted to lay in the sun forever, and now that I was upstairs and trusted not to leave that’s where Dan could find me.

Wherever the sunlight was.

“Finishing A Dance of Dragons.” I replied rolling over and sitting up.  
“Didn’t you already read that?”  
“Yes, but I’ve kinda read everything else already too.”

It was amazing how much time a person had in a day when they didn’t have a job or for that matter, access to the internet. Dan preferred the quiet when he was working before we’d had our fight, so I’d gotten used to reading instead of watching TV, and even now that I was upstairs all day I tended to stick with reading. It was hard to focus on TV, games were just too intense and noisy, my mind was more like a river these days, flowing from one spot to another. In a book it felt like floating on a raft, travelling all day into worlds of fantasy which helped make the time away from Dan pass faster.

Kept the bad thoughts away.

“Well then, you’ll be really happy with what I did today~” He sang bending down to pick me up twirling me around in a circle to make me squeal before walking me to the kitchen.

“What did you do today~” I sang back at him taking the opportunity of being in his arms to give his neck a nibble.

We’d gotten much more affectionate with one another as of late, it was nice for me to be permitted to touch him whenever I wanted, for his hands upon me to always be gentle ones. I felt like he was happier for it too, when that darker side of him had no reason to come out he laughed more, his smiles were all bright, he was a man who was worth loving and I was happy that I was able to bring that person out of him.

It would almost make me forget the darkness in him except that for as happy as I was, I was still always on alert for the moment that shadow would pass over his eyes once more. Some lessons should never be forgotten no matter how much I didn't want to think about them.

“I went to your old apartment, the landlady has been leaving messages on your phone for like /a while/ I guess your bank account finally hit zero and her withdrawals bounced? Sorry, I kinda forgot to check it, what with everything being so busy. I paid the missing back rent and packed up all your stuff.”

I stayed quiet putting my face into his neck, there was the wiggling concern, a passing moment of something clear and hopeless, this knowing that the last outside vestige of my life beyond Dan was now completely gone, no savings, no apartment, no one left to look or worry about me.   
But mostly I felt embarrassed that he’d gone through my things.  
Everyone owned stuff that they never wanted others to see and knowing Dan, I knew exactly what was in that box as he sat me down at the table.

“Aww Baby no need to get all shy on me now, I knew all your dirty little secrets before I went poking through your underwear drawer.” He teased pulling open the box. “I mean to be honest I was a *little* surprised to find this…”

He put my bad dragon dildo right on the table making me cover my face while he laughed coming closer to tease me pulling my hands away from my face. Considering my size, and the size of the toy, especially considering how we were taking things slow I knew I came across as being more innocent than I was. 

It certainly wasn’t some small vibrator but something I’d bought that was either very close or maybe even larger than Dan actually was.

“C’mon now baby-girl why you acting so shy? Did you imagine me when you were using this?”

I could feel him grinning as he pressed his lips to my neck when I gave the smallest of nods, his teeth giving a hard pull to my earlobe as he called me a ‘naughty thing’ whispering a few perverted things in my ear, how he wanted to watch, how eager he was to get a show from me. Muttering until my body gave a needy shudder and he pulled back with a smirk and a giggle, amused as how flushed my face was but not distracted from wanting to show me the rest of what he brought.

“Grabbed some of your books, movies, clothes for you too. Tossed out anything we don’t need like dishes and stuff, found your buddy here.” An old stuffed animal came out of the box next, he brought it forward to bop me on the nose making a kissing sound.

I hugged my stuffed friend smiling, glad that at least one of those little memories that I had from childhood hadn’t been tossed out.

“And this!” The glory centrepiece and greatest prize he could bestow upon me.

My kindle.

Without Dan’s wifi password I wouldn’t be able to use it to download any books, or access the internet in any way, but at least I had the books I already had loaded on there to read, and maybe if I was good and asked sweetly he would connect it to his computer and let me download more.

“Dan I- Thank you Danny.” I could feel my eyes getting all misty setting down my presents to reach for him. He came in an accepted his hug pressing a kiss to the side of my head before pulling away. I was willing to do more, after all with such a bounty of gifts I needed to do something to show my gratitude, I didn’t want to chance his generous mood turning sour.

“BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE!” Dan put on an announcer voice and took my hands putting them over my eyes. “No peeking!”

I sat patiently, listening while he dashed back outside listening as he opened the door and the weird thump, thump, thump sound he made coming back.

“What do you think I got?”

“Umm.” I kept my eyes closed thinking of the sound but I had no idea what it could be. Something from my house? What could be that weirdly heavy that he’d walk funny and yet still be able to carry it? “A… TV?”

“Bzzz nope, open your eyes Lovely.”

I opened them and saw him standing there with crutches under his arms. “Tah-dah!”

“For… Me?”

“Yeah! It’s about time you start walking again, become a little more independent and useful around the house and well—“ He shrugged and ran a hand through his hair. “I kinda wanna take you out, y’know like on a real date. We kinda moved a little fast with all this and I- Well I just wanna go out places with you. Y’know show you off a little.”

I’d covered my mouth with my hands a mix of emotions washing through me.

He was going to let me leave the house? He wanted to go out me? He wanted people to see me? he wasn’t-

“You’re-” I cut myself off, putting my hands over my mouth not wanting to get into an argument, but Dan heard me giving me an inquisitive look and pressed when I didn’t continue.

“I’m what?”

“Nothing.”

The look changed, just the smallest flicked of impatience was more than enough to loosen my tongue, no lies were allowed, no more half truths, not anymore.

“You’re not ashamed of me?” I looked down at his knees, wishing even that I was on the floor so I could bow my head to his feet and ask forgiveness for questioning his desires. If he wanted me to come outside with him then who was I to double guess how he felt?

Dan’s eyes widened and he put down the crutches dropping to his knees, coming closer hugging my waist, pulling me out of the chair to snuggle me into his lap holding me tight to him making me realize how I was shaking against him while he spoke. 

“No! God no Baby! How could I ever be ashamed of you? You’ve been so perfect and so good for me, fuck Babygirl I am so sorry, is that what you’ve been thinking all this time? No, not at all! I love you! Fuck if you could hear how I talk about you at work, the guys are all dying to meet you. I just needed to be sure you were ready.”

I felt tears running down my face, some of it fear, absolutely terrified of going outside, of disappointing him, of making him take back all those sweet things he was saying. I didn’t want to disappoint him, didn’t want to embarrass him in front of his friend, in front of people that I had idolized for so long.

An itch along my jaw, the memory of heat dripping down my chest, red crawled along the floor, a reminder of what disappointing him felt like, my body shuddered with the invasive memory before I blinked it away.

“But I’m a f-fan, I’m weird, I’m not good en—”

Dan pulled back, holding my face firmly between his large hands forcing me to look right at him. I was scared of this look, that darkness back in his eyes, a fierce wild thing barely contained within him.

“You are PERFECT do you hear me?” His fingers hurt as they gripped at my hair giving my head a shake to make me focus on him. “Baby listen to me. If anyone. ANYONE, says anything to you? I will fucking kill them.”

I could see his face painted in blood, the floor soaked in the bodies of the dead, copper filling my nose and mouth with the truth of his words. 

Despite all my flaws, all the mistakes I had made, I was to him as important as he was to me.

“I love you okay? No one will ever take you away from me.”

What had I done to deserve such a love as his?

—

I had a newfound respect and understanding for babies.

Learning to walk was terrifying.

It hurt, it was exhausting, and no matter how patient Dan could be I was so much of a coward that even his love of me was tested to it’s limits.

“C’mon I’ve got you, don’t be scared…” Was how things started as he helped steady me, his hands taking most of my weight and keeping me balanced as I barely brushed my limp feet against the floor, most of my wight on him and the crutches.

“Goddamn it come on already it’s not that hard!” Was how he spoke a few falls in, after I would drop my crutches and cling to him, dragging us both to the ground.

“For fucks sake, do you want to be some Dog forever?!” He finally snapped and yelled shoving me off of him a quick corrective slap across the side of my head making me cower.

He crumpled regretting his hard words immediately, trying to gently coax me back up off the floor, my eyes looking past him and my mind already back in the dark of the basement, already covered in choking fear, refusing to look at him, quiet and quaking with soft apologies but unable to speak because if I did, he'd hit me. This I knew, I’d been taught.

Good Dogs are Quiet when they’re Learning.

Dan would apologize, pick me up and bring me to the sofa, wrap me up in a large fuzzy blanket turning on some soft music while he cooled off and I calmed down.

He had promised he wouldn’t hit me anymore, not unless I’d done something specifically wrong and not being able to walk wasn’t really my fault.

But it was hard for him to be patient with me all the time, and as my mind came back into focus, as his apologies and gentle ways would bring me back from that mental space I would try to build up more strength, more determination to get stronger, to make him happy, to walk. 

And we would try again.

A bit of what was holding me back was the pain, and a lot of it was the loss of muscle.

Shuffling from the sofa to the table on my feet left my heart pounding like I’d ran a marathon.

But mostly it was simply fear.

A very confusing fear.

Some part of me, with each step, somewhere deep inside was building, and I couldn’t think of what that budding emotion was, that excitement to be on my feet again. But I was scared of it, too scared to let it bloom, too scared to look at what it could be. Every few steps and it would tickle at me and all I would feel would be a wash of hope, followed by a choking cloud of fear. A blade slashing across my throat, blood before my eyes, my heart pounding in terror.

Dan figured out what I was so afraid of even before I did.

It had taken a while for me to shuffle around the house, going from his bedroom, to the kitchen, to the living room where my window was, but I was getting steadier. 

Steady enough that on a nice day he opened the sliding door and lead me out into the back yard, wanting me to get used to moving further around with nothing to rest on.

The moment my feet touched the grass the air suddenly disappeared.

Even though he was right next to me it was so unexpected Dan didn’t even catch me as I dropped like a rock, the sun turning off like a switch had been thrown.

When the light returned Dan was rocking me back and fourth on the sofa, gently rubbing my back soothingly speaking to me.

“You’re not bad, you’re so good, you didn’t break any rules baby, I’ve got you, you’re not a bad girl, you’re not a bad dog-”

I could hear the echo in my mind of what he was saying, that he’d been repeating the same things over and over again to get me to calm down, the darkness peeling back I gasped finally letting the air back into my lungs in a natural manner again instead of the tight panicked wheeze it was before.

The rocking stopped and Dan pulled back, I realized I’d been crying when he wiped his thumb over my wet cheek pulling my face up to look at him.

“Hey there Babygirl. Are you back with me?”

Words felt far away and too hard to really grasp so I nodded, grateful when he pressed me back to his chest, squeezing me tight, staying like that with me until I fell asleep, my adventure for that day over to say the least.

But we tried again.

It was bad the next time, and the time after that, but the panic attacks to the point of fainting didn’t happen again, and each venture out I would go a little further, and a little further.

To the edge of the yard, to being able to sit in his car, to being able to go places with him. 

At first it was just to Ralph’s, sitting in the car while he went in to grab some things, unable to move fast or far enough to get around the grocery store and both of us not wanting to chance that I might panic while in there. But then slowly working my way up to coming in with him on short midnight runs, making our way around at my pace, him letting me pick out anything I wanted to eat. Hovering close whenever there were other people around, making me feel safe and protected.

Then he took me to a clothing store.

Even though he’d grabbed some of my things from my house I didn’t really have much that one would call nice. Not that Dan had a problem with my casual appearance, or that he could throw stones considering his ripped jeans and t-shirts. But I owned nothing that I felt would make for a good “first date” or make a good impression on his friends. I was the one to bring this up to him, a gentle worry that I didn’t want them thinking I was a slob or lazy. I knew I wasn’t very pretty and it never bothered me before so I’d never cared to make an effort, but now that I was dating Dan?

I knew he loved me and he didn’t care but I still wanted people to not judge him poorly because of me.

He was a little hesitant towards any major shopping excursion, not one for fashion himself, opting to usually let others choose his nicer things for him, and then simply making repeat purchases of the same sizes and brands that he’d always bought once his old clothing completely dissolved over trying anything new, it wasn’t an activity he generally felt like participating in.

But I wanted to grab something, some makeup, some sweaters with a higher collar, my fingers brushing under my chin as I asked him if it would be okay for us to do that.

Dan said it wasn’t that noticeable, but the scar, still bright and pink, was something I wanted to cover as much as I could.

He did agree that we didn’t want anyone asking questions since it did still look so fresh.

\-- 

Going to a small shop just before closing Dan followed me around as I picked some things out. I didn’t know much about what was in style or not but I knew generally what I would or wouldn’t like wearing and while I was focused on more stylish things, or at least slightly more formal, comfort was also a main concern.

A long flowing dress maybe? With a big sweater? No, an even bigger sweater with leggings that way I wouldn’t have to worry about foolishly tripping.

Dan helped me to the changing room and left me to it, I moved as fast as I could but still I was slow, my size had changed after being with Dan so long, I hadn’t seen my body in a full length mirror since-

Since I’d met him. 

I couldn’t even recognize myself.

Scars, bruises that hadn’t quite faded, bones where there used to be softer flesh.

I covered that person quickly, layers of soft knit, high collar and long sleeves, distracting thoughts, humming to calm myself. Finally exiting the changing room with my choice but wanting to check with Dan that it was okay.

“Dan?”

The shop was small, the racks all low enough that especially considering his height there was no way I wouldn’t have been able to immediately see him and yet, while I could see the woman at the cash register Dan wasn’t in the store.

A panic crawled up along my neck wrapping its fingers around my throat. Where was he? I was alone…

/the saleswoman/

what about her?

/you need help./

oh right, she would have seen where Dan went.

She saw me struggling with my crutches, shuffling over to her, my legs still generally clunky and unresponsive to what I wanted them to do.

“Can I help you?” She asked coming out from behind the counter so I wouldn’t have to cross the expanse of the store on my own.

“I…” That hand around my throat snapped tight and I couldn’t speak, nothing but terror was left inside of me.

Run.  
I needed to run.  
I had to get away.  
Scream, scream right now, get out, call 911, help me god please fucking help me.

“Are you okay?”

Everything was grey and dim and spinning, I closed my mouth and swallowed, tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth, my spit like a sticky warm glue.

Like blood.

“Dan…” I offered weakly, barely a breath of a word making her cock her head to the side.

She was staring at me, she hated me, she knew, how could she not know, it was so visible on my face and body, she knew everything and didn’t care, she would tell on me, I needed to run, but she would tattle and then- and then, I needed…

A voice called my name cutting through everything, a rope in a turbulent sea of fear pulling me towards safety.

“Baby? Hey are you ok? I was just trying on a shirt.”

Turning my head Dan was right behind me, I reached out to him, needing him to hold me up, to protect me from the ringing in my ears, the clawing dark that had been pulling me away, that dangerous voice that was trying to take me away from him.

“Sorry, she’s got really bad anxiety…” I was dimly aware of Dan talking, the voice of the other woman as well, it was all far away, a wall between me and all those things.

But I was safe, as long as I was a good girl I was safe.

Dan guided me back to the changing room, helping me swap out to my regular clothing.

A countertop, a bag in my hand, a faded “take care.”

A blink and home.

Safe and sound.

Right where I belonged.


	9. And the energy you trade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDITED JULY 2018: Combined Chapter 9 + 10.  
> -Dubious Consent, mentions of blowjob, PTSD, Stockholm syndrome.

I had forgotten what I was doing exactly when he came back into the bedroom, I’d started looking out the window and spaced out, one arm in my new sweater, the other limp in my lap.

“Love?”  
“Hm?”

Dan pointedly looked at me snapping me back to reality, but at least he wasn’t mad, smiling at me with an amused snort, coming over to help me pull on my sweater and straighten out my hair.

“Today’s a special day, do you think you’re going to be okay?”

Biting my lip I took a deep breath and nodded, I could remember what we were doing today, I hadn’t drifted that far.

We were going to go to his studio, it was the last day of recording and the wrap up party for his latest music video. A really big video, with everyone involved and I would be there to finally meet them all.

Since it was in downtown LA Dan didn’t want to come all the way back to the house to get me, so he was going to bring me there with him to spend the day watching them finish up the last little bit of shooting, and then go out to dinner with everyone. All the Grumps, people I’d been fans of for so long, good friends and co-workers of Dan, all sorts of important people.

I was far more terrified than excited.

Who was I compared to them? I still needed the crutches to walk, there was no way I could compare physically to any of the actors and actresses that were taking part in the shoot, I wasn’t nearly as accomplished as any of his friends.

This wasn’t the first time Dan had tried to take me out with him, I’d panicked, pushed off, told him of my fears, and listened carefully as he built me up, reminded me what I was to him.

I had to be strong because Dan wanted me to be there, Dan wanted me to meet them all, Dan thought I was important enough and that’s all that mattered.

“Hey, you’re drifting again, concentrate.” Dan’s hand on my face, holding my chin and giving my jaw a squeeze brought me back again, this time already in his car driving into a parking lot. It was a little busy, a few cars from the crew already there, but not a huge amount of people.

Then again my scale for “Huge amount of people” had dropped quite low considering the few times I’d gone out with Dan recently had just been at night where more than 5 people already seemed like far too many.

Looking up I could see some of the crew, I recognized Vernon and Brent as they waved at Dan pulling up but went inside to wait for him instead of standing out in the sun. A woman who was behind them paused at the door and I felt almost assaulted by her look, she was staring right at me a sneer on her lip for only a brief moment before she smiled sweetly and waved, following the others indoors.

I looked down at my hands wondering what I had done, was my makeup really bad? Was I just that ugly? She could tell I didn’t belong, everyone would be able to tell…

“Hey~” Looking over Dan was now turned toward me, his hands palm up, held out. “Give me your hands ok?”

Confused but trusting I put both my hands in his, feeling safer and more focused as he gave them a squeeze rubbing his thumbs over my knuckles.

“God I am so fucking nervous right now.” He swallowed hard and giggled looking at me and I could see he was telling the truth, he was just as scared as I was. “This is my first time doing something like this, introducing a girlfriend to the whole group like this.”

“Really?” He’d told me that before, that he never really brought his girlfriends, not his serious ones, around his friends. Maybe girls-who-were-friends, but nothing like what we were.

 

He brought my hands up to his lips.  
“Yea, God I am so fucking happy.”

My chest ached to the point that I felt it was going to explode.  
“You are?”

“Baby, you have no idea. Happy and fucking scared shitless. I’m really going to need to rely on you today, I want everything to go well and I know I’m asking so much from you but today you have to help me. I’m gonna need your support okay?”

I nodded, scared to have him ask me to help him, not sure if I was strong enough.  
“Baby, do you love me?”

He leaned in closer, my soft nodding not good enough for him right then.  
“Do you love me?”

“Yes, I love you Dan.”  
“Really?”  
“More than anything, I love you.”

The look on his face put the LA sun to shame with how bright it was. Leaning over in his seat he pulled me close by the back of my head, kissing my lips, cheek, and neck, resting his head on my shoulder.

“We’re gonna get through this today, we’ll do it together okay? I trust you and I love you so much.”

One final kiss to my cheek and he let go, getting out of the car to grab my crutches from the back and help me out. The moment that the car door slammed behind me everything jumped in a whirlwind of movement and activity that I couldn’t keep up with, Dan whisked away to makeup, people bustling all over the place.

If I thought the few people outside were already too many I wasn’t prepared for the amount inside, lighting crew, directors, writers, actors, makeup, costume, people yelling, people talking, singing and music, flashing lights.

I found my back against a wall, not wanting to get in anyone’s way, my stomach in knots as I slipped in and out of being there and fading away into my own head.

There were people all around me and Dan wasn’t there. I felt like the room was spinning, getting smaller and closing around me.

/run/  
I needed to get outside and get some air.  
/runrunrun/

Looking around it was a little hard for me to remember where the door was, I’d been looking at my feet and was mostly in my head when Dan had lead me indoors and parked me in a corner where hopefully I wouldn’t bother too many people, but the studio wasn’t that big and I could see the red sign of the exit. Looking around I still couldn’t see Dan anywhere so I kept close to the wall, keeping my head down and hoping that no one really would notice me but my neck hurt, the air feeling so thin in here, and my chin was itching to the point of it stinging like something was digging into the scar.

I nearly pissed myself when someone yelled a sharp “Hey!” at me as I reached for the door, grabbing my hand to stop me from opening. “Sorry we’re doing a light test we can’t open the door right now.” He whispered sharply.

“I… I need to leave.”  
“Well just wait a few more minutes until after this shot then you can go.”

/runrunrunrun/  
“But… But I have to get out!” 

He glared at me as my voice raised giving me a sharp. “Keep your voice down, we need to keep quiet while they’re filming.”

“B-but…” I turned my head feeling blades slip beneath my skin lighting me on fire as every person was staring at me.

Red crawled over every surface, copper, rot, the rolling stench of…

“Hey, just go sit down we’ll be done soon.” A hand on my arm pulling me over to a chair, gentle but insistent.

I held onto my crutches tightly, resting my head on their cool metal, trying to control my shaking, eyes closed, breathing evenly.

Distantly I could hear a conversation of familiar voices. “What was that?”  
“Dan’s new girlfriend I guess? He said she’s got really bad anxiety issues.”  
“Is she on medication?”  
“Dunno…”

Their voices were drowned out as something clacked and music started playing, a familiar voice, a familiar song, the whole room going silent as Dan came onto set shiny and grinning, the kind of man who caught everyone’s attention.

Including mine.

My eyes were locked on him, the sound of his voice, not his real one, just a recording that he lip-synched with, but still sweet as honey in my ears.

That same warm soft voice that spoke to me everyday, that had always spoken to me, that pulled me to him.

/no/  
Where had I been trying to run to?  
/away from him/  
Why? How could I ever want to leave, he was everything I ever wanted?  
/blood, pain, chain, knives, death, death, death./

I could only think of his head resting on my chest as we watched movies, how my heart would beat so fast at the press of his lips against mine, how he shook when he hugged me and begged me not to leave.

‘stay with me forever’  
/I don’t love you/  
I love him so much.  
/get away/  
I was where I belonged.

I could see him scanning through the crowd of people, the smile on his face getting bigger and brighter as he caught my eye and gave me a wink, his grin getting a little shy even as he bit his lip finally looking away to listen to something that Brian was saying. 

His eyes flicking back to me every few seconds while he tried to focus on the director, on what he was doing, but barely able to stand still long enough for it.

I kept my eyes on him, enthralled as he danced again and again, every so often looking at me, his performance getting a little more energized knowing that I was there, I was watching him.  
I was giving him the strength to put everything he had into today.

/I hate you so much/

As the director called cut and people started talking and clearing the set, I locked eyes briefly with Barry who just seemed to notice me and looked…

Angry.

I could see him move toward Dan, intercepting him before he could leave the set and come get me, pulling him away, out of my view, snapping me back to reality where everything was too noisy, too much, and I was in the way.

Looking down I dug my nails into the palm of my hand, wishing that I could sink into the chair and disappear, I shouldn’t have come, I shouldn’t be here, I needed to go…

“Are you okay?” I looked up and recognized Vernon next to me, staring at me with concern all over his face. “Do you need some water or… Um. Hey it’s okay are you in pain?” He knelt down to my level his hand touching my elbow pulling it back with a quick apology when I flinched.

I was crying, I was making a scene…

“B-bathroom… Please.”

“Yeah, it’s just over here, do you need help? Should I get Dan?”

“No!… No I’m fine. Thank you. I just—”

“No I get it, it’s okay.” Vernon gave a little hesitant smile, hovering to help in case I needed it as he walked me to where the bathroom was.

I could feel everyone’s eyes on me as I stumbled away, my head down, not wanting any more people to see me as I cried, quickly making it into the thankfully empty washroom before I stuffed my fist into my mouth biting down hard to muffle my screaming.

Copper pennies, the room filled with red, pain pulling me away.

—

“Dan what the fuck!” Barry yanked Dan off the set once they were done recording barely getting him into a quiet room before he snapped at the older man. “What the hell is she doing here?”

“I told you I was bringing my girlfriend today.” Dan was calm, ignoring both the fact that Barry was mad, and that he kind of had good reason to be.

“I didn’t realize you meant one of THOSE girlfriends! Dude are you INSANE?”

Dan at least had enough sense in him to look down feeling a little guilty and ashamed, he had somewhat tricked Barry, when he talked about bringing someone to the afterparty he had been purposefully vague about exactly which girl he would be bringing, letting the younger man assume he was no longer with the same pet that Barry had met when he was on tour.

But his jaw was still clenched in determination, not wanting to hear Barry’s small grumbles of disbelief or deal with his judgemental look.

“Bar… You don’t understand.”

Barry crossed his arms waiting for Dan to explain

“She’s been really good for me, like REALLY good. She knows not to bring up that stuff and I… Dude like I trust her.”

“Oh my god Dan…” Barry groaned rubbing at his face.

“Barry I really love her like, I told you before I really think she might be the one. Please dude, you’re one of my best friends, you know me, have I ever been with a girl like this long before? I’ve never gotten this serious but with her it’s… Fuck it’s all different, I want her to be a part of my life. Bar… Please just get to know her she’s sweet and funny and just- Fuck dude she gets me y’know?” Dan put on his best puppy dog face tilting his head down at Barry trying to look small, meek, and sad. “Please don’t be mad?”

It was hard for anyone to stay mad at Dan for long and Barry had to admit that Dan was right, none of his girlfriends from the past, either the casual hookups or the friends with benefits or the strange women Dan would sometimes bring home to work out those secret darker sides of him, ever lasted more than a few days or weeks at most. Maybe Dan was right and this was the love of his life?

It had been months since Barry had met her and Dan had been good, happy, that whole time.

Who was Barry to stand in the way of something that could be love?

“Fine, fine it’s fine just be careful okay? You said she’s a fan so I don’t want this to become a thing for people to come after us for. Have you told Arin about her?”

“I will, tonight. I wanted them to meet first, I don’t want anyone to be like all judgemental because they know she’s a fan. We’ll just chill out for a bit and then I’ll talk to everyone tomorrow at work.”

“Okay, okay…” Barry shook his head but gave Dan’s arm a squeeze. Whatever he wanted to say after was cut off as Brian, out of costume already, stuck his head around the corner.

“Hey, hurry up we’d like to get to the restaurant before it closes!”

“Sorry Brian!”

Hurrying to get ready to go the crew was cleaning up quickly, some of them would be coming to the after party, many already had other commitments so for the most part it was just a cast party. The regular grump gang and some of the actresses who had been in the shoot and a few friends who were just joining in. Reservations had been made at a bar, so there would be dancing and mingling but also food and private tables held for them to relax in.

Dan got changed quickly but by the time he stepped out he was the last one ready to go.

It didn’t worry him too much when he couldn’t see his girlfriend, but as he scanned the room it prickled at him, the worry building as he asked around and no one knew where she was.

“Hey Dan!” Vernon thankfully called to him just before a full scale panic started to set in. “Your girlfriend’s in the bathroom she uh… Wasn’t feeling well? She told me she was okay but I think she might need you.”

Dan let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding giving Vernon a ‘Thanks’ telling him and the other’s to go ahead and that he’d catch up.

—

“Babygirl? Are you okay?”

I heard a soft tap against the stall door, I didn’t know how long I’d been in the bathroom for, sitting on the toilet trying to calm myself down, drifting and unaware of the time.

“Y-eah.” I said but my voice cracked.

“Can I come in?”

Reaching over I undid the latch, it wasn’t like I was peeing or anything, I just needed someplace to hide where no one else would bother me.

Dan came in, dressed back in his usual clothing, I was a little disappointed, I loved seeing him dressed in his costume, but he still had the makeup on, making his lashes look even longer, the dark lining making his eyes pop. I felt like I was going to melt as he stared down at me a gentle look of concern on his face.

I turned my eyes down, unable to look at him anymore, feeling a wash of tears come back over me.

“Oh… Baby what’s wrong?” His hands were on my face making me look back up at him, I didn’t want to cry but I couldn’t stop the tears from leaking out of my eyes. He wiped at them with his thumbs. “Why are you crying? Don’t cry Sweetie, what’s wrong?”

“I… Because you’re…” I muttered a few things, making him bend down lower as they became garbled with my tears. I felt bad, making him kneel on the floor.

“What is it?” He kissed my cheek. “It’s okay you can tell me.”

I cracked, my voice stuttering as I started crying in ernest, barely able to look at him as my heart poured out.  
“You were s-so beautiful a-and everyone was watching you, e-everyone loves you and you were so— So perfect. A-and I…”

“You thought I was beautiful?” Dan interrupted his face lit up with pride, the smallest flush of embarrassment on his cheeks. “You’re crying because you think I’m beautiful?”

“I just- I just wanted to touch you.” I kept my hands in my lap as I said that, looking down at them, digging my nails into my palms trying to calm their shaking. “In front of everyone, I wanted to touch you, make you… Make you moan right on the camera, make everyone see that I love you the most.”

Dan was quiet, and I hiccuped and sniffled trying to get my emotions under control, not wanting to make him upset with how gross I was being. Everyone had been staring at me, judging me, they could all see how he was everything while I was just nothing but I wanted them to see.

See that I was special to him.

More special than they were.

“Baby look up.” Dan’s voice wasn’t soft anymore, a command that I snapped to obey my eyes wide as his dick was right there in front of me. “Fuck, look at what you do to me.”

My mouth fell open as he stroked himself right there, looking down at me with a needy gaze. “You think you’re the only one? I was working so hard today because you were there, every time I saw you looking at me I wanted to come and kiss you, fuck you in front of everyone, let them all know you’re mine.”

His voice was a rough growl as he put himself against my lips ordering me to suck, letting me hear the moans I was aching to hear before.

Hoping that the echo was loud enough that everyone outside could hear too.

—

“Is Dan coming?”

Ross, Barry, Arin, and Vernon were sitting at one of the booth tables in the corner, it was supposed to be a casual get together and there were others there as well, at the bar or on the dance floor, but Brian had left after shooting wanting to go home and help put Audry to bed, and Dan had disappeared before they’d even left the studio.

“He said he was but I dunno…” Vernon answered Arin’s getting a questioning look. “His girlfriend had like a panic attack or something? He was in the bathroom with her when we left so he might have cut out.”

“Aww that sucks. She was at the shooting?”

“Yeah in the back, she was the one with crutches.”

Arin thought about it, a surprised realization coming over his face when he remembered the quiet wallflower stumbling around. “Oh… That was his girlfriend?”

“I’m pretty sure.”

“Are you sure? She didn’t really look like his type.”

“Yeah it was.” Barry cut in then being the only one who could really confirm that fact.

“Huh… What happened to her? Did she break her leg or something?”

Barry shrugged “Dunno, I only met her once and I didn’t ask. I think they might just be like that?”

Vernon nodded since he’d seen her walk and it didn’t seem like she had a cast on her legs just that her legs were weak or deformed or something. Maybe she was almost healed but still needed support?

Ross muttered a ‘Poor thing’ of sympathy into his beer sitting up a little more to question Barry. “What’s she like? Do you know how her and Dan met? What does she do?”

“Jeeze dude” Barry put his hands up at the sudden third degree, but he understood, Dan didn’t really talk about her. “I didn’t really talk to her, just met her in passing when I went to Dan’s once. She’s quiet, nice I guess? Dan’s serious about her though so…”

“Yeah this is my first time actually meeting one of his girlfriends.” Arin put in.

“Me too” Ross added.

Vernon nodded, he’d never met any of Dan’s girlfriend either, he’d hear about them from Barry or Dan, he’d met a lot of girls-who-were-Dan’s-friends and a few women that he’d vaguely known had slept with Dan at some point but never someone Dan distinctly introduced as his significant other.

Barry was the only one who’d met some and that was simply due to him being Dan’s roommate before. It was a little hard to hide your social life completely from the people you lived with.

Vernon looked at Barry realizing that he looked a little off when talking about it. Enough that it made him wonder.

“Do you not like her Barry?”

Barry looked surprised and a little embarrassed but the way he took a few moments to answer spoke fathoms. “I mean… I don’t know her enough to dislike her at all but…”

If he didn’t have the full attention of the table before he had it now.

“But?” Ross pushed since it looked like Barry might change his mind and not say anything.

“Ugh… Dan asked me not so say anything but he said he was going to come and tell you guys tonight but he’s not here so… She’s a fan.”

“Of the show?”

“Yeah, she knows who we all are, knew who we were before dating Dan so I don’t know how they met but he knew she was a fan when they met, or maybe after? Either way, she’s apparently a big fan so yeah.”

“Well that’s not… That bad.” Ross put in, “I mean I was a fan of Dan’s before he joined the show, kinda surprised though I mean he said he’d never date a fan but it’s not that big of a deal I guess.”

“Yeah.” Barry sighed still looking worried. “I just, I dunno, Dan’s serious about it and I hope she is too, he says he trusts her but I’m just worried, if it doesn’t work out it could get really ugly really fast.”

“To be fair it could get that way with any of Dan’s ex’s” Arin countered. “I mean even if they weren’t fan’s before they’d know what Dan does after, if any of them decided to make waves for him they could. It’s kinda the risk of love in general.”

“I see your point though Barry.” Vernon offered to peacefully balance the conversation, he was an over-thinker and had enough overzealous interactions with fans that it made him anxious on a few different levels. “Because she was a fan before there’s always the chance that she’s just trying to game Dan, or that the only reason she’s interested in him is because of those fandom goggles, or that she’s intentionally trying to start shit, but she doesn’t seem the type.”

“And if Dan’s really that into her she can’t-”

“God you guys are no fun! Why isn’t anyone dancing? Where’s Danny?” Cindy, one of the models from the shoot, slid into the seat next to Barry putting and arm around his shoulder and giving him a teasing squeeze, two other girls sliding into the booth as well pushing the guys over.

“We don-“

“There he is!” Ross interrupted Barry pointing out across the room as Dan came in walking slowly beside his girlfriend, hovering close to help her if she needed it. Dan waved back at Arin who stood up yelling at him so he knew where they were. The room wasn’t that full but it was dim and the music was loud enough that unless you were over by the booths in the reserved area it was hard to hear.

“Hey guys sorry we’re late!”

“It’s cool we understand.” Arin said as Vernon stood up to grab some chairs so that everyone would have room to sit and maybe Dan’s girlfriend could put her feet up if she needed to.  
“Hey are you feeling better?” He asked hovering a little closer to her while she stood a little awkwardly not really looking at anyone, making her finally give him a surprised glance with a small smile.

“Oh uh… Yeah much better, thank you. I’m sorry I made you worried.”  
“Oh hey no it’s okay, I understand. Here sit down, please.”  
“I’m sorry, thank you.”  
“No problem.”

Vernon looked over feeling Dan staring at him while he helped situate everyone, he was smiling still, saying something to Arin, but Vernon felt a little strangely chilled by the look, making him wonder what he’d done to possibly upset the older man. Coming up with nothing he dismissed the thought as his own anxiety just creeping around, resigning himself to knowing this would probably bug him for weeks but ultimately there was nothing he could do about it now. With a breath he sat himself down to join back into the conversation as Dan introduced his girlfriend to the group, wondering idly if she felt like that sometimes too.

Overthinking.

Constantly afraid.


	10. Mean, mean stride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited August 2018
> 
> -Abuse, Stockholm Syndrom, Murder, Abuse, Sexual Assault (ish)  
> Combined three chapters.

I was barely there as we sat down with everyone at the table. My mouth still tasted like Dan, my mind was replaying what we’d done in the bathroom. The weight of him, the heat, how I’d slid down off the toilet to my knees, looking up at him tears still in my eyes, only now they were due to how he hit the back of my throat making me gag.

His dark eyes staring down at me.

How majestic he looked, his hair creating a halo effect of the light, the makeup leaving a sparkle to his cheeks as they flushed red, how pink his lips were, open and panting. 

I was doing that to him, he even said so as he pulled at my hair, fucking my mouth, that for as beautiful as I thought that he was, he too felt the same about me.

With all that going on in my head it was hard to pay attention, the music and the dim lights, being surrounded by people I had watched and listened to for so long, I was overwhelmed, I felt like it was all a dream.

One that I kept fucking up.

I was so used to hearing them all banter with one another, on the show or on livestreams, the conversation was familiar and wonderful to listen to but I kept forgetting that I was actually there with them. It would be when someone asked me a question directly that there would be a long pause and I would come back to reality and realize that they were waiting for my reply. After the third stammered “Sorry can you say that again?” Dan took over answering things for me, giving my leg a squeeze under the table and me a look. 

I wasn’t sure how to read it, it wasn’t an angry look, maybe a little amused considering that half the time I was spacing out it was while staring at him, dazzled by the lights that would flash across his face, or how he would laugh, throwing his head back, his whole body reacting. With him directing more of the conversation, with the most important questions about me answered in ways that satisfied the curious, I was effectively cut out. It didn’t bother me too much, busy listening, busy dreaming, busy remembering.

Everyone ignored me and that was okay.

Well everyone except Vernon, who was sitting right next to me.

I was nestled in between Dan and him, unfortunately cutting him off from the main body of the conversation unless he wanted to talk over my head and make it seem pointed that he was ignoring me. It wouldn’t have bothered me if he had done that, but I could tell with how quietly he spoke, his nervous laughter, his self deprecating humour that all those negative thoughts and fears that I had, he had them too. There was something of a kinship found in anxiety sitting next to him, had Dan not been there I would have probably felt safe opening up to him, he came across as someone that you could trust with your secrets and fears since even if it wasn’t obvious, he was very open that he had those same thoughts too.

Dan didn’t seem concerned with my lack of participation in the main conversation, engaged in the group conversation and maybe distracted by one of the actresses from the show who was flirting with him hard, having no problem with keeping the conversation off me, which I couldn’t tell if it was a favour or not. I didn’t want to be that jealous type of girlfriend, after all I knew Dan had a lot of women friends and he was flirting with her just as much as he was flirting with Arin, there was no one at the table that he wouldn't turn that Sexbang charm onto for the fun of it. Still, my light giggles at their antics felt a little forced considering the pretty blonde at his side.

So maybe it was a little vindictive of me that I put some effort into responding to Vernon’s soft inquiries, listening attentively while he talked, making sure to ask questions to keep him talking so that I didn’t have to talk about myself beyond small pieces of surface information.

A part of this was just being curious about him, after all he wasn’t a longstanding nor regular member of the grumps on the show so I didn’t know that much about him compared to the others, I’d watched parts of his shows, gone back and watched his “Scare to Care” livestreams that the grumps were on, seen him in the background of many things, but he kept to himself more than the others. Anxiety probably making it hard for him to stand being in the limelight, his particular blend of worrying preventing him from being as active on something that was as volatile as the internet was.

Plus I was used to being a very active and careful listener, Dan often liked to talk and when he was telling a story it was important that I was a good listener and showed interest.

Even if it wasn’t the first time I was hearing the story.

Listening was important for building relationships.

And it had been part of my training to listen carefully for any hidden instructions.

“UGH OH MY GOD VERNON.” Dan had finally turned and started listening to what his friend was talking about with me, making a big joke about it. “No one CARES about your bikes!”

He was grinning and I could feel the flow of his voice that was a tease, Vernon went red, giggling as the whole table’s attention turned on him.

“I’m SORRY okay? I just really LIKE BIKES!” He tried to defend himself putting his hands up. “You didn’t mind did you?” 

Looking at me for confirmation that I didn’t care that he’d been yammering on about fixed gears, and a lot of other terms I didn’t understand but knew he found fascinating because of how his face lit up when he talked about them.

I gave a little half smile and shrugged. I hadn’t minded at all, it was adorable watching him talk about something he was passionate about. It was kind of nice to listen to, I felt a connection with it, finding a THING you liked and then losing yourself into it, devoting yourself to what you loved the most. Maybe he was a little obsessive, but who was I to judge? I could understand how those types of passionate fires burned, taking over a part of you that just helped make you feel alive, so what if he obsessed about bikes, it was at least a healthy pastime.

“Baby you don’t have to pretend to listen to him if you don’t want to~” Dan teased at me drawing my attention but looking past me at Vernon. “I know he’s SUUUuuuuuUUper Boring as Fuck.”

“Now Dan, give him a chance!” Arin acting as a gentle mediator was really jumping in on the chance to tease Vernon. “Go on Vernon, share with the whole table your absolutely fascinating bike stories. I’m sure they’re riveting.”

“UGH GOD NO KILL ME!” Ross jokingly made noises struggling to get out of his spot in the booth and escape while Vernon giggled and continued to try and defend himself with apologies until the table had their fill of making fun of him and the topic flowed elsewhere.

Our little corner however had gone quiet, Vernon now feeling obviously too self conscious to restart his story, and I was just too awkward to force my way into Dan’s conversation with everyone else, or really start a fresh one…

But Vernon had been really nice to me.

Catching his eye I gave him a little smile, whispering softly, “I don’t mind listening to you talk about bikes.”

He went red, making little scoffing noises while he tried to excuse himself to me, to pardon his passion, which just made my smile wider making him blush and squirm more, but with a big grin on his own face while he collected his thoughts, brushing me off with assurances that it was okay and I didn’t have to say that, but I could tell he appreciated it with his mumbled and embarrassed “Thanks.”

We both listened politely to the main conversation before a pressure started to build in me, I might have been in the bathroom for a long time at the studio, but I hadn’t actually used to toilet since we’d left the house. I was pretty good about having an internal schedule about my bathroom breaks, and this was right at the time Dan would normally come home and therefore the time I would normally go. 

I didn’t know if Dan was planning on leaving anytime soon, the way he was still chatting, leaning in close to whisper things in the pretty actresses ear making her giggle and blush made me feel like he would get upset if I tried to ask him to leave.

Even if we did go now I wasn’t sure I could hold it until we got to the house anyway.

“Vernon.” I turned putting my fingers gently on his arm to get his attention quietly. “Can I pop out for a second?”  
“Yeah, of course, you okay?” He asked scooting out of the booth.   
“Yea I just need to go powder my nose y’know?” I used air quotes with my fingers making him snort at the old fashioned slang for needing to pee. 

He helped me to my feet, holding me up while I got my balance with my crutches, pointing me in the right direction and even softly offering to walk me over, but that would have been too embarrassing to accept, plus I also needed a few moments alone. 

I wondered how much longer Dan would want to be out for, I was enjoying being there but I felt exhausted, it was all too much. Sometimes even when I watched them online I needed to take their livestreams or AMA’s in sections, getting over-excited seeing them all chat and interact for more than an hour would set my heart racing and I’d need a break, having them all here live it wasn’t like I could ask them to stop talking to let me calm down, or to rewind the jokes so I could catch them. 

One to one might have been better, or a smaller group, I felt guilty since I’d had other opportunities to meet them without making it into such a big event, but I’d gotten too scared and refused to go until now, so this was all my own fault.

As I sat on the toilet I wished I could have recorded tonight, replayed it back a million times to catch every word, every look, memorize every second of it all, everything Dan was saying, but also what Vernon had been saying to me. My mind was a little abuzz with all the new information and having the attention of someone else made me feel a little ill with how exhilarating it was. 

I was washing my hands when I heard someone else come in and the lock on the door click shut. Looking up I could see Dan behind me in the mirror and I froze, my heart in my throat.

His face…

“Are you having a good time Baby?”

I stopped breathing, the lit in his voice, how he sounded just a little sharp with his ‘Baby’ the words usual but the tone just ever so slightly altered that it sounded like ‘Dog’ in my ears.

I stared at him through the reflection, terrified to turn around, too scared to talk as he came closer, reaching past me to turn off the sink, pressing himself into my backside as he did, making my hips dig into the counter painfully.

“Are you having fun flirting with Vernon?” His smile so sickly sweet, voice like poison.

Under my frozen thoughts I swallowed down an urge to giggle, was he jealous?

I wasn’t so foolish as to actually laugh, shaking as he wrapped an arm around me, his hand running up to my throat, thumb pressing into the scar under my chin, still delicate and painful.

There was no use denying it, had I been flirting? I couldn’t really tell how it would have looked to an outside eye. I supposed I had been, my mind racing for an excuse as to why I would do such a thing.

He’d been nice to me and-

And because…

“I’m mad at you.” I whispered at him, taking a gamble, looking at my own shaking hands in the mirror, too terrified to look at his face.

The pressure under my chin stopped, I could feel him shift, the very air in the room change, the burning sensation of his eyes looking at my reflection.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m mad.” I repeated myself, still just as quiet, wiping off my hands on my dress quickly so that I could touch his arm without sparking his rage at something so small as having wet fingers. “You were flirting too, and I just- I didn’t mean to be bad, bu—”

His hand tightened around my throat, not enough to choke me but enough to warn me to stop talking. I counted my heartbeats, roaring in my ears, daring to look up at Dan, to try and let him see that I was being honest, that I had been upset, that I was now scared, but mostly that I was sorry.

He hugged, well more like crushed me, to him, burying his face into my neck, taking a deep breath before letting me go, leaving me holding onto the counter to keep my balance, I shook watching him in the mirror while be backed away and paced the small bathroom like a tiger in a cage, glaring at me every few seconds as I cowered, shuffling away from him, back against the wall waiting for his judgement.

“Okay…” Another deep breath, calmer, his smile back but I knew it wasn’t his real one, just a little too tight, a little too put on, something under it that filled my mouth with the taste of copper. “It’s okay, lets go home.”

My legs buckled under me seeing how he was, his mask in place but I knew whom I was talking to, not sweet Dan, not my Dan, but the other one, the angry one.

“I-I-“ Trying to get something out, not knowing what to say to stem the dark building inside of him I pressed myself further against the wall but he stepped closer, moving like a snake, his hand in my hair pulling me back upright with a shake that rattled my teeth.

“Do. NOT.” Dan growled the mask gone letting me see the full fury of my mistakes, making my heart drop into my gut. “Do. not. Embarrass me.” 

Another breath, a fake smile, a sweet, gentle “Okay?” 

I could only nod my head numbly in agreement, taking the crutches he thrust at me, holding my breath to keep from crying as I followed behind him as quick as I could back to the table.

I didn’t know what he said to the others in order to excuse us from the evening, my eyes on the ground, breath coming out in evenly counted intervals, my mind pulling away in preparation for what I knew was coming.

/help me, god please someone HELP ME/

I looked up, catching Vernon’s eyes.

/Please, please. please/

A shy smile and an awkward nod goodbye.

/Help me/

“Have a good one!”

Dan teeth were showing the entire drive home, gritted in controlled anger, or some strange sick glee?

I couldn’t tell and was terrified of either answer.

As soon as we were in the door I dropped my crutches as he grabbed my arm, dragging me too fast to keep up into the bedroom.

I wasn’t even thinking as he did that, my mind was already in the process of shutting itself away, prepared to block whatever was about to happen to me, dimming everything around the edges in a strange manner that made things feel not entirely real, everything was fuzzy and distant like a dream.

And just like a dream everything that was happening in it was strange and unexpected, like when he shoved me into the closet instead of hurting me, the sliding door slamming shut behind me as he leaned against it talking at me through the wood.

“Baby, listen to me and listen really good. You STAY in there. You STAY no matter WHAT until I tell you it’s okay to come out do you hear me?”

I nodded not realizing he couldn’t see me until his hand slapped against the door making me scream. “Do. You. HEAR. Me?”

“Yes! Yes I’ll stay I’m being good I’ll stay!”

Curled up into a ball I covered my head scared that he’d change his mind and open the door to hurt me. I didn’t know what game he was playing or if he was just trying not to be mad at me but needed me hidden to keep his anger at bay. He’d done that once before, put me away in the basement after assuring me he wasn’t angry at me, just angry, and I would cower in the dark listening to him take out his anger on something else. I didn’t know which situation this was, so I kept as quiet as I could until I heard the front door shut and in the silence I could even faintly pick up the sound of his car driving off.

Running my fingers over the scar under my chin, feeling how tender it was, the dry skin still scabbed. 

I didn’t move.

I didn’t know how long I was in there for. Long enough that it had gotten too hot and I was thirsty. I wasn’t thinking of leaving, I knew better than to think that I could sneak out even to the attached bathroom for a handful of water. However it had gotten to the point that my fear had ebbed away and I’d finally moved just a little, enough to push his shoes out of the way and curl up trying to be as comfortable as I could. My anxiety and fear was finally burning me out allowing me to fall asleep on the floor, letting dreams take away my discomfort of being in such a small cramped space.

I jumped awake hearing the front door slam shut with a force hard enough to rattle the house, I was expecting something to smash afterwards, for there to be hard footsteps that would drag me out of my hiding place, but instead all I heard were light giggles behind it.

Sitting up I held my breath, straining to hear, wondering if Dan had gone and gotten drunk in order to forget his anger, with the little thumps and meandering sounds, Dan’s giggles and whispered “Shhh” and light laughter of…

A woman?

I peaked through the crack in the door, not daring to push it open, wanting to see what was going on, but also not wanting to see.

Not wanting to see Dan as he fell into his bed with a beautiful woman on top of him, the same one he’d been flirting with heavily at the bar. Not wanting to see, but unable to look away, as she kissed him, as she pulled off his shirt and her own.

This was it, this was my punishment, him cheating on me again? A reminder this time, bold and right to my face that compared to him I was nothing, and no one. No one really cared for me and I was easily replaceable. 

Tearing my eyes away, I stuffed my fist in my mouth, I wanted to push open the door, I wanted to remind him of how he said he loved me, how I was beautiful to him. Were THOSE all lies? Was this a Lesson on lying? Or how much it hurt him when I flirted with others? Or just a reminder that he didn’t need me as I needed him?

I could taste blood in my mouth.

“Shh” He giggled at her trying to hush her porn star level of moaning.

I thought it sounded so fake, I wonder if Dan noticed, or cared.

“What?” She laughed and I could hear the sound of more clothing being removed, squeezing my eyes shut tight not wanting to fall into the temptation of looking. “Who’s going to hear me?”  
“My girlfriend maybe?” Dan said, his tone joking but he knew I was here.  
“What is she here?”  
“Yeah, hiding in the closet.”

She laughs at what she thinks is a joke and I feel like Dan had just slapped me, he knew I was there, he was the one that put me in here. 

Did he want me to watch this?

I peak through the crack in the closet door, not touching it but I could see her in his lap, I could see him looking past her to the closet, making me wonder if he could see me peaking out or just knew, a dark smile on his face that she doesn’t notice, too busy grinding against him.

“I wouldn’t be surprised, she’s kind of a freak isn’t she?”  
Dan laughs but I know it’s not one of his real ones. “What do you mean?”

I’m watching her now, as she gets up and shimmies out of her jeans, he’d even left the lights on and I couldn’t blame him, she was beautiful. Pert ass, perfect breasts, flawless skin beyond the small tattoo on her lower back.   
I could only wish I looked like her, even if I had before I came to be a part of Dan’s life I certainly didn’t look anything like her now, scars everywhere, lessons that I had to learn for Dan…

I bit my hand again to keep from sobbing, all those lessons for what? 

I loved him so much and clearly I was nothing to him.

“Are we really talking about this now?” I hear her say, my eyes too full of tears for me to see anymore. “She’s not your type and you know it Danny~ You need.” She pauses and I can hear her moving, more clothing coming off, the bed creaking. “Someone, a little more, your style.”

I can hear the pause in everything, the breath held in the room, I wonder if he’s about to defend me, to push her away, I rub my eyes and look again only to see them locked together trying to roughly suck the souls out of one another before Dan breaks off, gently guiding her to lay back while he stand up taking off his own jeans, moving to grab a condom still talking.

“What do you mean?”

“Ugh well, I didn’t want to say anything but, I talked to her for a bit when you weren’t around…”  
“At the shoot?”  
“Yeah, that girl is bad news Danny. She was talking a whole lot of shit about you, now I know it’s all bullshit and I didn’t believe a word, but, rumours spread y’know? You don’t want to deal with that kind of drama hm?”

Things went quiet then, Dan having no response to that but I wanted to push open the door. To yell at her for lying, to beg him to believe me, I hadn’t said anything, I’d never spoken to her, I would NEVER say anything bad about him!

He paused with a condom in hand, not taking off his briefs just yet, looking at her. I couldn’t see his face, back to me, but his posture was tense. I could see hers as she grinned at him, leaning back on her elbows, legs open invitingly. 

“Hey… Don’t get all sad on me Danny, look I’m sorry, but you gotta admit… If you’re doing this.” She pointed between the two of them, wiggling her fingers for him to come into the bed, “You already know.”

I wanted to claw my own eyes out rather than see as Danny moved closer, kneeling on the bed, adjusting himself between her legs and peppering kisses down on her until she’s giggling.

“Yeah, I know…” He grunts and I can cover my ears trying to block it out, closing my eyes once more, wondering if the hammering of my heart or shallow breaths through clenched teeth could be heard over their noises… I was so busy not listening I almost didn’t hear the last part, “That you’re a lying cunt.”

“What?”

Dan called my name, loud and sharp enough that there was no way I wouldn’t immediately snap to attention. As much as I don’t want to witness what they’re doing I obeyed, pushing the door open, looking up even though I wanted to sink into the ground and die, it was a little enjoyable to see her wide eyes and mouth a perfect ‘o’ of shock, her breasts softly raising as she took in a breath, probably to scream at the both of us before Dan wrapped his hands around her throat, cutting it off before it began.

I knelt there, watching as he dragged her up by the neck from the bed, throwing her to the floor, descending on her with his fists before she had a chance to get away, to really comprehend what’s happening. One hand around her throat to choke off her screams while he hit her, I don’t dare look away, I knew that whatever he was doing I was supposed to be watching. Still, I flinched with each meaty sounding hit, biting my tongue until I tasted a fresh wave of copper as he railed on her, calling her names that make me feel each aching lesson that I had to learn in order to not be the things he said to her.

She was a liar, a whore, a terrible slew of profanities.

I do nothing, watching while she struggled, knowing exactly how each blow felt, surprised when she catches him between the legs, hard enough to make him gasp in shock and let go, I watched, still numb, as she rolled away and tried to make a break for the door, feeling nothing when Dan was able to dart forward and grab her leg dragging her back to him kicking and screaming, cursing her as he puts a hand over her mouth and slams her head hard enough into the hardwood that she briefly stops struggling.

Stopped long enough for Dan to get a good grip on her to drag her out.

I hoped right then that he’d hit her hard enough that she died on impact.

But I know my hope was useless as I can heard the echo of her fighting again, the doglike yelps as she went tumbling down the stairs to the basement.

Even with the basement door open, even with her screaming, I could barely hear anything the moment that she went down the stairs. Only really realizing now why I didn’t stand a chance of being found when I was down there, why even if I hadn’t been obedient Dan never really would have needed to muzzle me, I wondered how equally soundproof the rest of the house was considering how loud she was yelling and how no one ever seemed to come.

I hear a muffled sound, clearer this time, as Dan came back into the room. 

He’s smiling now.

It scares me more than anything as he stops at the door looking at me with that manic gleam in his eye, I don’t even realize that I’m crying and making soft whimpering noises of submission until he talks. 

“Hey, hey shhh it’s okay Baby, it’s okay I’m not mad at you.” He knees in front of me, his large hands on my cheeks pulling me to look at him, peppering my face with kisses, even going so far as to lick a tear off my cheek, kissing my closed eyelid, doing what he can to calm me because he’s not angry at me. “Baby do you want to get your special toy for me?”

I blink at him, confused and scared, my mouth moving in a silent “What?” voice gone in fear.

“Remember? The present I got you, the pretty knife?”

I remember but I don’t want to.   
Maybe a part of me knows, but I don’t want to think about it.

So I move, focused on just this second, not the previous nor the next, letting go of everything anchoring me to my thoughts, living in a zen-like state of motion, nothing more than a doll dancing to whatever Dan wants.

I went into the bottom drawer, at the back, a little box with a knife. A present just for me from Dan.

A gift I never really wanted to see again.

I hold the box out to him with shaking hands, he nods with a gentle whispered “Open it Babygirl.” Making me take out the knife, I’m not even sure if I’m breathing as I do, memories of flesh peeling back, of hot blood on my hands, an echo in my head telling me to choose a blade for him to slice me open with.

Even after that, I cannot disobey, offering him the knife for whatever punishment he wants to inflict with it. 

Instead he kneels and kisses me gently on the forehead, carefully picking me up bridal style in his deceptively strong arms as though I don’t weigh a thing, he whispers sweet things to me as we go down the stairs.

“Don’t be scared Baby, I’m sorry I got so angry at you, I was being stupid and jealous and I understand how you must have felt at the bar. I know Vernon, I know he’d never really try to hit on you, I know you’re just a good girl who’s trying to make friends with my friends, that you’re a fan of everyone so you’re a little starstruck. You shouldn’t get jealous of me either, a lot of girls are going to throw themselves at me, just like this whore…”

He’d set up a chair down there, a kindness for me since there was no way I could stand for any period of time without help, settling me into it he finally kneels in front of me, ignoring the screaming woman.

Cindy is begging and threatening the both of us bouncing from one to the other as anger and fear fight inside of her.  
“Danny please! Please I promise I won’t tell anyone just let me go, Danny come on this isn’t fucking funny you piece of shit! I’ll kill you I swear to god you fucking cocksucker.”

I ignore her too, my eyes only on Danny as he looks at me, still speaking low and soft.

“I know how you feel Babygirl, I got so jealous seeing you talking to Vernon, looking at anyone but me, hell I wanted to kill him. You- I can tell now you must have felt even worse, this cunt was actually trying to take me away from you, but Baby I want you to know that nothing, /Nothing/ will ever take me away from you. EVER.”

Dan stood next to me, his hand playing with my hair, gently scratching my scalp moving down to massage the back of my neck while he watched the woman, as she screamed and swore until she finally realized that it wasn’t getting her un-tied from the pipe she was chained to and was wasting her breath.

It took a while.

Finally quiet Dan gave my hair one final pat before squatting in front of her.

“Have you ever felt thankful before Cindy?” Dan asked his voice light but I could read his tone, goading her into thinking, so she could receive her punishment and learn a Lesson. “Of course you haven’t, you’re pretty, you expect things that all pretty people expect. You expect men to listen to you, you expect things to come easy, you’ve never had it any other way. I’ve met so many women like you, ungrateful of everything they had, always wanting more even if it hurts other people.”

He came back to me then, bending low wrapping his arms around me, dragging his hands over my body to the hem of the oversized sweater-dress I was wearing, tugging at it to pull it off of me.

“Shh Baby it’s okay.” He hushed me when I squirmed, not exactly wanting to get naked in front of this woman but obedient to Dan no matter what he asked.

Cindy started shaking, her eyes wide and horrified seeing me in front of her in my underthings.

Was it because I was ugly? Or…

“Baby, tell her how your grateful for this” Dan held up my arm, showing the burn scar there, I could remember the pain, the smell of my skin as it cooked. I spoke, distant and softly about how glad I was that I learned to pay attention while I was cooking so that I could make delicious food for those I loved.

Another burn scar to remember my place, that I didn’t own anything in the house and I should never take things without permission, I should always ask and be thankful for what I was given.

I spoke of some of the other lessons that Dan pointed out, deep scars and scratches, how happy I was to learn to love him, to learn to speak the truth in all things, to be honest, well behaved, to be happy, alive.

“All people are weak Cindy, everyone forgets sometimes to be thankful, and it’s always what is inside that really counts. I know people say that and no one ever believes it but it is so true.” Dan gently runs his fingers through my hair once more, his knuckles gently brushing my cheek as he turns back to her. “She is more beautiful to me than you could ever imagine. It almost makes me sad for you, how you think your face will get you everything you want without consequence. I wonder if I sliced up that pretty face of yours would you be able to learn to be beautiful on the inside? Would you thank me for the lesson? My Bab—“

“You crazy son-of-a-bitch!!” Cindy had been crying while she learned of the lessons I’d been given over my time with Dan, lessons that made me perfect in his eyes, I never really liked my scars before but as he made me share my lessons, as he caressed them I was so glad for every single one because Dan was teaching me now, a woman with outer beauty could flirt and flaunt herself at him as much as she wanted and he’d choose me.

He’d made me perfect, just for him.

But now Cindy had snapped, no longer listening and screaming at him. “You perverted psycho! Who the fuck do you think you are!? You’ll never get away with this, I’ll kill you! The cops will find me and you’ll rot in jail and DIE!”

Dan looked at her as she paused to take a breath and while he tried to keep a straight face he started laughing. “Oh, oh I’m scared, you’re absolutely right, do you think I should let you go?”

Cindy glared at him, trying to be strong in the face of the man who I knew would kill her.  
I wondered if she was smart enough to realize that yet?

“Maybe I should, but that’s not my choice. Tonight if you want to leave, you’ll have to ask my Babygirl~”  
He knelt next to me and kissed my shoulder placing the knife he’d taken from me as he undressed me back into my hands.

“Remember when I made a mistake, made you mad? That was practice for you, so you could do this and not be scared.”

I looked at him, ignoring the woman begging at me, had he planned this, all of it? The jealousy? This woman? Had he known? Had he wanted this? It scared me to think of how far in advance he could plan things, how much he knew, it made me strangely proud to know that he was thinking and planning for me, that he could see a future with us in it together, that he was doing everything to prepare me for that.

“Aren’t you happy?” Dan smiled, his grin true and happy,if not a little manic. “I want you to do this, to make this choice, so we can really be together, so you can really understand me.”

With the knife in my hand he knelt in front of me, leaning dangerously over the blade, one jerk, a quick movement and I’d slice through his throat, my hands were shaking holding it firm, trying not to move it while he softly kissed my lips. Still hovering over the blade while he spoke.

“This is all your choice, I trust you, I love you, whatever you want to do I’ll be okay with, alright?”

His lips pressed one more time to my forehead, then he backed away standing up and sitting on the stairs, leaving me to face Cindy on my own.

We stared at each other for a long while, both of us shaking but maybe for different reasons, I realized slowly that I was the one with the weapon, I was the one with the power in the room, Dan was letting me choose and maybe now she realized that too as she started calling to me.

“Look I know we just met today but come on, I… I didn’t mean to hurt you! I’m just stupid okay? It was just a stupid mistake I- I never meant to… I was being selfish and fuck please, please just let me go I’ll do anything you want, I’ll never talk to you again, I’ll never look at Dan again, I didn’t mean anything please!!”

I stared at her not sure what to say exactly. She’d been mean to me, she’d tried to take Dan from me, but maybe I should forgive her? I cocked my head to the side looking behind me at Dan trying to take some guidance from him, what did he want me to do?

He smiled at me and nodded at her, mouthing “It’s okay”

I looked at her again and began to see what Dan must have seen in her, as her face changed from one that was pretty to one that was so very ugly. 

“FUCKING SAY SOMETHING YOU FREAK.” She snapped back to being mean again, maybe wondering if she could bully me to let her go. To scare me to keep me away, after all if Dan was telling the truth then as long as I never touched her she was safe.

I felt angry and she must have sensed it, her mouth snapping shut as she started to cry, big beautiful tears, begging that she was sorry and scared and to please help her.

A part of me spaced out, remembering a line from a movie. 

/Free me, we are sisters you and I…/

I felt that kinship there, that despite being very different people, having very different goals, even knowing that she was dangerous and could destroy everything, in this aspect we were sisters. Both  
caught up in the rushing river of emotions that Dan brought out in people. I couldn’t truly begrudge her for falling for him could I? 

Making my choice I stood up, wobbling forward I was going to just grab the key to the cuffs, Dan had left them just on the ground next to her in easy reach since as he said this was my choice, if he didn’t stop me well then… He said I could choose.

It was hard to walk, harder to bend over to pick them up off the floor and I fell as the muscles in my legs gave a twitch of pure agony and gave up sending me sprawling onto her legs. 

I couldn’t even get out an apology before she kicked at me, screaming, trying to get me off of her. 

“Get the Fuck off me you ugly bitch! Don’t fucking touch me!” Her foot connected with my gut, my face and she shoved me away violently, yelling about how gross I was, how I should die, how she would kill me, how, how, how…

And then it was quiet.

I was glad she’d finally shut up, I could feel that quick flash of anger flowing away along with the pain of her clumsy blows. Here I was, trying to do the right thing, trying to help her, and every step of the way she just had to make things more difficult, zero gratitude is what she had and it frustrated me. 

Thankfully she’d finally stopped and it was quiet, I was so tired, my hands were warm and I felt sick with breathlessness, my throat hurt so much I felt a little sick with how angry I must have been but even that had drained away with the silence.

And there was red.

A wall of red.

Where did Cindy go? She was so loud, but now she was quiet, so quiet and still, not moving at all while sitting in a puddle of sharp, copper so deep it was black.

“It’s okay Babygirl, just breathe…” I could hear Dan, close and yet he felt so far away. “It’s okay, I love you, you were so good, so fucking beautiful.”

I couldn’t look at him, eyes glued to the red, backing away from it and needing to look away, on hands and knees my face inching forward until my forehead was on the ground, not wanting to look at the red meat any longer.

A tug at my hand as the knife was taken away, I could feel long fingers running along my back, the sticky wetness cooling on my hands and face along with my tears and spit.

“Hey, you’re okay Love, you’re okay.”

“She’s dead isn’t she?” I whispered, my voice ragged from whatever I’d been screaming, the echo’s of it crawling into my brain, the anger, the questions, how she could be so cruel, couldn’t she have just left me alone? She’d done this…

This was her fault…

“Yeah she-“  
“She was like a fountain wasn’t she? Just fhoosh all that coming out of her, I made her like this, she was here just a minute ago and now she’s gone, she’s gone forever and I did it. I did it I…” I sat up onto my knees, staring at her, my shaking stopped and I just stared.

There were noises around me that I didn’t hear until Dan moved between her and I, blocking my view, his lips moved and I could barely hear him.

“Baby? Are you okay?”

He looked worried as I finally focused on him, a hysterical giggle on my lips as I grinned.

Was I okay?

I knew I should probably feel bad, maybe scared? But I could only honestly say-

“I don’t… I don’t know- I don’t feel anything.”

“You don’t feel anything?”

I giggled leaning past him, looking back to the body, ignoring or just totally unable to read anything in his tone.

“What should I do Danny? What if she t e l l s on me? I don’t want to be in trouble… Oh… I guess she’s dead so she can’t can she? But what if she does? What should I do?” I wanted to look at Dan, to ask him but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the mess in front of me, looking down at my hands, feeling the tackyness of the blood between my fingers. “Will it peel off like a second skin?”

I could feel something outside tugging at me, a mumbled buzz in my ear, I was too interested in the idea of the blood peeling off like a layer of glue, like when I was a kid, allowing a thin skin to build up and then picking it off. I scratched a little at one hand, still too wet to get a good layer, a bad habit I had as a kid when I wanted to peel off glue too, I could be impatient sometimes.

A sharp sensation made my whole body snap to the side, pulled away from my internal monologue that may very well have been external as well, Dan looking at me with a loud “HEY!”

Finally I was able to see him, but still I felt like I had tunnel vision, everything blocked out but his face.

“Sorry, I didn’t hear you, what did you say?” Distantly a part of me knew that I should be worried, after all he hated it when I didn’t pay attention and listen to him, but it felt so far away I wasn’t scared at all.

“That’s it?” He said looking worried and a little exasperated, “You don’t feel anything? Nothing at all?”

I blinked at him thinking about it, trying to find anything inside of me except this dim distracted feeling of distance. I was so far away right now I really couldn’t feel anything, I knew somewhere I should be feeling something, shouldn’t I? And yet I didn’t. No fear of him, no sadness at seeing his face distort into one of disappointment, no cold, no heat, no pain, it was like being in a dream, things were happening and maybe I could react to them but it was all far away, unimportant, I blanked out right then, not like before where the pain would take me or I would black out, not even a state of motion obedience where my mind was gone while my body moved. I was aware of everything, hyper aware, this sort of zen state of pure nothing-everything. I was untouchable because nothing mattered, I had no wants, no thoughts, no fears I simply was, as a stone, as the grass, as the wind, a simple being that existed perfectly contained in itself.

I didn’t struggle as Dan dragged me up, listening to him passively as he pulled me up the stairs grumbling more to me than himself, but I just felt his words flowing over me like water over a river stone.

“I can’t believe this, after everything I’ve done and this is what I get, fuck… This isn’t what I wanted at all.” Leaving me briefly by the door he came back with some of my clothing, thrusting them into my arms as he unlocked his door and started pushing me outside, half helping me get partially dressed while at the same time very pointedly pushing me out.

“Look, I… I’m sorry, I really did want this to work out but can you just go?”

A bit of that shock started to fade as I realized that he was kicking me out, a trickle of feeling, confusion, welling up between the calm.

“What?”

“I thought— I don’t know I mean after all that I just thought that you understood? But you don’t do you?”

“What?” I didn’t understand, I just killed someone and my thoughts were like a single drop of water on a calm pool, had he not wanted me to kill her? My only feeling now was simply being perplexed.

“Please can you just go? Obviously you just don’t get it and I don’t need some psychotic murderer in my life.”

The snap in me was audible.

Well really, the sound was the crack of my hand across his face as a new emotion flared up inside of me, one that I hadn’t felt in a long time.

A very cold rage.

He backed away from me, his hand against his cheek, eyes wide with shock as I stepped closer and slammed the door shut behind me, moving toward him. If one ignored the blood, from the outside I’m sure it would have looked hilarious, I was probably a foot shorter than him if not more, wobbling like a newborn fawn with each step feeling like knives, and yet stalking him like I was some terrible beast to be feared.

Maybe I was.

“What.” It wasn’t even really a question, it was a statement coming from me as he kept backing up and I kept following, my hand reaching out to steady myself against the wall as I came to it, not caring that I might be leaving a mess behind. “Are you? Breaking up? With ME?“

Multiple feelings were now simmering under the anger. A sense of pleasure and power at the look in his eyes, a burning desire as well because while he looked scared there was also something else there, something being kindled where he knew he was walking a razor wire between what he desperately wanted, and fear of losing it all.

He kept backing up, leading me into the bedroom carefully not breaking eye contact, I felt like a wild animal, knowing the moment he dropped his guard I would tear out his throat and devour him.

Dan’s heel hit his bed and he blinked.

I was so aware of everything, the feeling of his skin under my nails, the impact of my knees against his legs as he was able to grab my wrists to keep me from clawing at him, his shouts were somewhere between angry and light giggles as I was able to knock him down onto his bed, straddling his thin waist fighting him to get my fingers around his throat.

He froze, I knew he was stronger than me so I couldn’t tell if it was my rage or him letting my hands grip him around the neck, I knew he could throw me off of him, but maybe in this moment he couldn’t, fear and longing warring on his face as his lips opened ever so gently to pant while I squeezed softly making everything go quiet except the soft wheeze of his breath.

“You don’t get to break up with me.” I spoke to him, calm and sweet as a candy apple with a razor blade in it. “I’m alive because of you…”

Dan’s hands let go of my wrists as fear left his face and a smile replaced that, even though I squeezed tight enough that his face was red and he stopped breathing his hands settled gently on my hips, nothing but trust in his eyes, his lips moving.

Even though no sound could come out I could understand.

“What do you feel?”

I ground down, feeling how hard he was now between my legs, feeling the rush filling my body as his eyes rolled up in pleasure and perhaps lack of oxygen.

I felt many things, the numbness was gone and feelings were blooming in me, burning like a fire where underneath seeds growing of something more, something greater. 

I understood.

“I feel /Alive/“


	11. A modern day warrior

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Light editing August 2018

I sat in the car waiting while Dan packed up the back of his SUV, he had been a flurry of movement that morning, whereas I was a little slow to get up, my body aching from the night before and despite the power rush I had felt then now all that I felt was…

A little disjointed.

I felt like when you walk into a room and forget what you were there for, only I’d walked into existence and forgot what I’d come here for.

But it wasn’t too distressing, I didn’t feel frustrated with that feeling, just a little befuddled. 

Unlike other things that had happened to me that I was aware of blocking, blanks in a day where time had passed and I was confused by how much or when, I was weirdly aware of what had happened last night, still looking to my hands expecting to see them covered in blood and a little surprised when they were not. Looking at Dan remembering the smears of red along his mouth, tasting blood in my own mouth as I’d bit him hard enough to draw it, remembering each moment of my domination and his struggles against me. 

It felt very real even though I could hardly believe any of it.

A strange comfortable smile formed on my lips as Dad practically skipped into the room peppering my face with a gentle wash of kisses while he presented me with a new outfit; rugged jeans, a long shirt, and a light waterproof jacket, pressuring me to get dressed quickly because he was ready to go.

Well “ready to go” according to him, considering the scatterbrain he could be I was already dressed and in the car while he stood on the porch scurrying back and fourth for “just one more thing” that he’d forgotten, finally coming out, flinging the edge of a scarf over his bruised neck, hurrying into the vehicle so fast that he nearly knocked his giants hat off bumping his fluffy head on the lip of the car door.

“Where are we going?” I asked, not like it really mattered to me, a part of me used to the idea of not having a choice but the part of me that now felt I did have a say in things, curious about our destination considering the sheer amount of baggage he’d packed for our trip.

“Campin date~” Dan sang at me turning on some music to get himself in the groove of the long drive ahead.  
“Camping?”  
“Mm-hm”  
“For how long? Will it be okay with work?”

He gave me a bit of a look, a raised eyebrow that questioned my daring to challenge him and his choices but I stared back blank, feeling strangely unafraid of him for possibly the first time since we’d met.

Looking me up and down he grinned at my bravery, adjusting his scarf again to make sure the marks I’d left on him were covered. 

“A few days, I’ve been planning this for a while so now that we’re done shooting the latest video I’ve got a couple days off and I figured we could do a little road trip. So don’t worry your pretty little head about a thing Baby-girl this is all groovy~”

I giggled at his silly tone rolling my eyes at his attempt to be some kind of 70’s cool-guy.

I fell asleep by the time the car hit the highway, quickly slipping under to the sound of him singing along to his music, finding the gentle rock of the car soothing, enveloped by a warm safe feeling of nostalgia of childhood car trips.

The car stopping and a smell of gas woke me up.

“Hey sleepyhead, you wanna get out and stretch your legs? Next stop won’t be for a few hours so if you gotta go pee this is your last chance.” Dan had opened the door on my side after getting out to pop the cap on his tank, I moved stiffly feeling the swelling in my legs from sitting for so long, that feeling of being not-really-there and the universe being /off/ was stronger now, but that was possibly due to the middling nature of truck stops and car trips. You weren’t exactly anywhere, you were between two somewhere’s, and especially as a passenger being asleep time lost meaning while travelling.

I looked at the clock as Dan grabbed my crutches, coming over to open my door and massaged my ankles to get feeling back into them, my brain felt slow as I counted the hours to figure out we’d been driving for 5 of them already.

Shuffling towards the station I felt a chunk of reality slam back into place, woken up by Dan suddenly yelling “Hey!” at me putting my on high alert.

“Can you grab me a granola bar and maybe a sandwich if they look ok? Anything you want too, I want to get there today so I don’t think we can stop for much of anything except gas.” He pulled out his wallet and gave me $20 and a kiss on the forehead finally turning back to start filling his car.

Auto-pilot kicked back in and I shuffled inside without much thought, going to the toilet, and then wandering the isles to grab what Dan wanted and some food for myself along with a book because I’d shaken off enough of the groggy feeling of sleep and felt I couldn’t sleep the whole time we drove. Truck stop romance novels weren’t really my cup of tea but this felt like a silly trip so I felt like a silly book was in order.

Pocket full of change and a bag full of goodies Dan was at the door kindly opening it for me and giving me the keys to the car to get in. “I’ll be right back, gotta poop.” He giggled softly at me while I smiled at his oversharing.

Outside I looked around, breathing in the gas station smell and the hot dry air. My eyes caught on a payphone and the change in my pocket started to feel heavy while the universe took on a sharper quality.

Something like anxiety was scratching at the inside of my gut, an urge to scream, a need to do something that I couldn’t really remember what anymore. All of the bravery and strength I had felt had drained away and I was left feeling empty, lost, and needing something.

“Are you okay?”

I jumped at the sound of a strangers voice behind me, a woman standing there in the shade of a fruit stand where she’d been staring at me as I stared at the phone for who knew how long.

“Honey do you need some help?” She repeated, her look was worried, she was an older woman, face tan and wrinkled by the sun, maybe she wasn’t as old as she looked but one could see the lines of a hard life well worked.

She reminded me of my grandmother. One of the few people in my life that I really cared for and felt that same love in return.

Could I tell her? (Tell her what I’d done) Could I trust her like my grandmother so long ago? (Trust her)

Could she save me?  
(Forgive me)

I was sitting in the car when Dan came out, hopping into the driver seat he looked at my lap surprised.

“Where’d you get that?”  
“lady at the fruit stand.” I explained holding up the apple slices for him to take one. “She cut them up for me, she said they’re the best apples in Nevada.”  
“Oh? You talked to her?”  
Dan looked over at the woman who smiled and waved at him, he gave a wave back and started up the car.  
“How are they?”  
“A little tart but nice.” Holding out a slice he plucked it from my fingers with his mouth giving it an appreciative hum.   
“Huh, I’m surprised how juicy they are.”  
“Yeah, but good right?”  
“Yeah, good.”

I put the woman out of my head as I slowly ate the apple, sharing bites with Dan as we drove, not letting the “what if’s” that were squirming around at the back of my head plague me. What could she have done right then anyway? If I’d asked her to call the police and for them to go and search Dan’s home while he wasn’t there what would they have found except something that was entirely my fault? All the evidence of Dan killing people was gone, what was left was my dirty laundry.

I couldn’t blame him for that, what had happened last night was my fault.

Dan had given me the choice, the power and I…

I stared out the window for a long time, not even realizing I’d started crying until Dan reached over and took my hand.

“Baby? What’s wrong?”

“Am I a bad person?” I asked him suddenly feeling the weight of what I’d done my body shaking as the whole world crashed down into me. I’d hurt someone, I’d ended someone, what about her family? Her friends? I didn’t matter, I had no one else but Dan, no one cared that I was gone, but she had been pretty, had been famous, she could have gotten so much in life, and I’d been the one to take that all away and for what? A jealous fit of rage? I took her life because I hadn’t trusted Dan.

“Oh sweetie, of course you’re not. Hey, hey…” Looking behind him he actually pulled off the highway onto the side of the road just so that he could hold me. “Honey look at me.”

It was hard but I looked up at him, his face blurry through my tears, seeing not scorn or pity but a look that was so understanding it made my heart hurt even more.

“But I- I Hurt you.” I whispered looking away, feeling his hands on my face to force it back up to look at him again. Not only had I killed someone, something that one would think would be my greatest concern, but even more than that I realized then that I’d hurt DAN, of all people I’d hit him, I’d choked him, maybe he enjoyed some of it but he’d had to legitimately fight against me at times last night as I took out a lot of confused feelings on him.

“No, Baby no you didn’t, look at me, hey look at me. I wanted you last night, I have never wanted or loved anyone like that before I—“ His own voice cracked then and he let out an odd giggle, one choked by tears now misting up his own eyes. “Now you’re making me cry! Jeeze Babygirl, no one has ever made me feel more alive in my life than you. This?” He waved at his face, the bruise on his high cheekbone that I’d caused, a tug at his scarf to show the ugly bites and bruises that I’d left on him. “These are so beautiful to me. YOU did this, you did it to me, you- you Gifted me with all of this!”

I searched his eyes and saw nothing but adoration there, he had talked so often of the lesson he NEEDED to give me, and how beautiful they were. I didn’t find hurting him to be beautiful, I mourned each discolouration to his skin and yet if he cherished them who was I to shame him for that?

“But-But I killed- you said I was a murderer.” I mumbled this, my voice breaking down with feeling shame. He’d been disappointed with me then, disgusted, had wanted me to leave and I was only now processing that.

Shushing me again and kissing my face before I even finished speaking he tried to calm all these sudden negative feelings broiling up. “No, no, no I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Baby-girl no don’t cry, I’m sorry. I was being selfish and mean and I’m so, so sorry. I forgot, I forgot how hard it can be when you really feel for the first time. How hard it was when I first understood. Love is hard, it is so hard and it can hurt and I was going too fast and I’m sorry.”  
“I’m… I’m not bad?”  
“No, never! You’re such a good girl, so perfect, so fucking perfect for me.” Pulling back he held my head, forcing me to look him in the eyes. “I love you. I love you more than anything in this world, and I know it must have been so hard for you but I saw how much you loved me too last night.”

I nodded dumbly, I had, I did, I do.

“I know these big feelings are scary but I love you okay, I love you forever and a day.”

I leaned into him, wrapped up in his arms, I was good, he loved me, I was perfect.

I sobbed, I didn’t even know why I was crying anymore but I did, my emotions overflowing.

This was love.

And I wallowed in the despair of it.

—

The drive was long, but after my breakdown I felt all of my previous energy and confidence drain out of me, pulling me back into that quiet part of myself where time slipped and slid around. The only thing anchoring me to reality, keeping me out of a depressive pit of complete self loathing was Dan, when he held my hand, when he sang, how he kept me close when we stopped at the next few gas stations out in the middle of nowhere, a buffer between me and the rest of the world.

My shield.  
(cage)

It was dark by the time we arrived, some tiny cabin out in the middle of the woods. Stopping first at the check in station to pick up the keys to our cabin and getting into the park apparently a hair before the gates closed for the night, driving deeper into the woods to our own small private lodgings.

I’d done nothing but sleep that entire day and yet I was still exhausted when we arrived.

Car trips could be funny like that.

I trailed behind Dan like a duckling, I didn’t know why I felt like I needed him in my sight right then, that if I lost track of him he would disappear into the night and I would be alone again.  
(and she)

He didn’t seem to mind, being more gentle and kind than I could ever remember him being, quick with assurances and mumbled sweet words, keeping me close to him while we prepared dinner, cuddling me close while we slipped into bed.

I was too tired and too needy to make any kind of objection to his hands wandering over me in the dark of this unfamiliar bed. In this new place, this new world, the only thing I knew was him, and he was keen that night to map every inch of me, to caress and love every mark that made me perfect in his eyes.

To thank me as my fingers gently traced over the scratches and bites I’d left on him, wondering if they would scar, if I would see them the same way he saw my scars.

I awoke with a start, the room a grey glow of early dawn, Dan, already dressed, sitting cross legged on the bed, back against a wall staring at me in the dark. I couldn’t read his expression at all, cautiously, so as not to startle him into any sudden action I sat up.

“Get dressed.”

His voice offered no argument and I did not dare, scurrying to obey him.

Whatever gentle caring man I had been with the night before, he had left. And while this was not the darker Dan of my nightmares this was a side of Dan I didn’t know, and so I was cautious.

“Come on, lets go.” The moment I was finished he got up, walking out of the small bedroom to the door, not even waiting, leaving me to hurry after him.

He didn’t talk to me, walking at a pace where I could barely keep up, especially over the hiking path we were on, but I could tell that he was still going much slower than he normally would considering his long legs and that he wasn’t encumbered with crutches. It wasn’t too rough or a trail, a well walked dirt path, but I was still slow and starting to worry.

He loved me, he’d promised many times he wouldn’t hurt me again without reason and he’d been so tender and loving.

But there was a dark energy running off of him, the quiet, the tension in his shoulders. There was a storm brewing under his skin and I didn’t know how it got there or what I could possibly do to avoid it.  
I was so deep in thought I stopped paying attention to my feet, with a sharp cry I fell flat onto my face.

I flinched hearing Dan stop, cowering in the dirt before I heard him laughing and felt myself relax. Maybe it was mean of him to laugh at me, but I giggled too, more out of relief that he wasn’t so mad that he couldn’t see the levity in my clumsiness.

“Come on silly goose, are you okay?” He crouched down, helping me back up to my feet, checking that I wasn’t hurt. “Try to be a little more careful hm? Or are you just trying to get me to carry you?”

He teased and the distant coldness around him lessened as he took my free hand helping guide me along. “I’m sorry, I’m going too fast but you’re doing well, lets keep going ok?”

It was a long walk but with my hand in his, keeping my balance and pace, it felt faster.

Dan stopped after a while, looking around and paying more attention before we veered off the path and into the brush, I had to be careful, picking my path, clumsy with my crutch and ten times slower than I was before, it didn’t take long before Dan took pity on me and had me brace myself on him instead of picking my way through the wood solo. He wasn’t going fast but with his arm around my waist it was more of a half drag than the steady guidance of before. The dawn was coming and he seemed to want to get to our destination before then.

Letting me go he walked to the ledge of a drop, a steep but not deep bank down to a rocky riverbed that had a small creek trickling past. Sliding down I thought he would reach up to help me but instead he looked book ways and started walking away, picking around the rocks clearly looking for something as he mumbled to himself.

Watching him for a while I waited until he wandered further away realizing that if I didn’t make my own way down he might leave me. I was shorter and there was no way I could jump even with two stable legs without possibly hurting myself so it was quite a struggle to get down onto my stomach and shimmy my way backward through the dirt.

Of course I totally bit it once more, the rocks of the creek-bed made for an uneven surface and I didn’t have the most steady of feet to begin with.

“Dan?“ I started to call out to him, he still had my crutch and I really didn’t think I was going to be able to get up without it, certainly unable to follow along even on hands and knees with all of the rocks, but looking down my attention was taken by how the rocks were stacked and some bit of garbage seemingly being protected by them.

It was almost like an alter, and in the middle was a small black box, crusted with mud and water damage the velvet on the outside of the box had been worn clean, black wasn’t so much the colour as a sun bleached it a dark grey with mineral spotting. Old garbage I imagined but how it was placed? Out of curiosity I opened it up and was surprised to find a ring inside. The box inside was damaged but the ring was still nice, clearly not cheap as the metal wasn’t rusted it must have been gold and though dirty the gem still looked expensive.

Who would leave such a thing out here?

A small clatter of rocks was all the warning I got before I caught Dan’s fist to the side of my head. 

“DON’T FUCKING TOUCH THAT!”

I had enough time to scramble away from him while he picked up the box I’d dropped, snapping it shut and catching my hip lightly with the tip of his shoe as he blindly kicked in my general direction to get me away from the alter of stone he’d been looking for.

Back up against the creek bank I watched him while he fell to his knees and started apologizing.

Not to me, but to the rocks, carefully stacking them again in a way that made sense to him, side stepping around the area until he’d placed things back in whatever order it was that he needed them to be in, putting the box back in the centre. He didn’t even look at me, pulling a few things out of the backpack that he’d brought before walking back up to where he had been to grab my dropped crutch, blankly marching back to me with that cold unreadable look on his face.

I froze as he came close, bracing myself for a beating that thankfully didn’t come.

“Lets go.”

Dan’s patience with me was clearly wore out. 

Nearly pushing me over thrusting my crutch back into my hands he helped by dragging me up out of the riverbed but then started walking back to the cabin at a pace that even if my legs were fine I’d never keep up with.

“Don’t take all fucking day.” He barked back at me as he started walking, quickly leaving me behind.

At first I struggled valiantly to try and keep up but another stumble and fall into the dirt knocked the dream that I could ever catch up to him out of me. I was too slow and so tired.

I laid on the path for a few minutes, giving myself a proper pity party. What had I even done? Obviously this place was important and I’d fucked up something for him, had he told me what we were here for and I’d not heard him? Had I forgotten? He was usually so good about making sure I knew what the rules were so I wouldn’t break them unless I was being stupid and needed a lesson but I couldn’t help the indignant feeling that I’d done nothing to deserve this treatment.

But clearly I had else why would Dan be so pissed off at me?

A deep wave of worry an melancholy washed over me as I finally pushed myself up, trudging along the path, my general feeling of depression only getting worse as rain started to pitter down on me. I knew it was useless to try and rush myself, as the path got wet my ability to navigate it would only get worse.  
And if Dan was already mad then what was the point of hurrying back, this walk was really my only reprieve from whatever punishment awaited me once I got back to the cabin.

Biting my lip hard enough to taste blood I tried to fight back the tears that were blending into the rain anyway, how could I have fucked up this bad? He’d said he’d loved me but he’d left me out here, not wanting to even look at me after bringing me all the way out here to be alone with him. This was supposed to be his reward, his relaxing vacation away from work, his romantic get away and I’d ruined everything with my stupid, stupid clumsiness.

Was that all he was mad about? Me touching that box? I mean it clearly meant something to him and I knew even before I’d met him that he’d had issues in the past, demons that I’d thought he’d taken care of but had now leaned he’d just become his own sort of demon. I just couldn’t understand the level of anger he was expressing right now, if I didn’t know why he was mad, how I’d fucked up, how could I make it up to him? 

I stopped walking only to beat myself around the head with my fists, scratching into the backs of my hands and along my arms to punish myself for what I’d done. I didn’t deserve Dan, kind, sweet, understanding (punishing) Dan had worked so hard to make me perfect for him and I just had to keep shitting all over his hard work, too dumb to even know what I’d done wrong.

I was ugly crying now, pulling at my hair while I moved forward forcing myself along because even though much of me was screaming now that I shouldn’t go back, that I didn’t deserve to go back, that he was going to kill me, there was still a large part of me that kept moving towards him, after all where else would I go? I loved him, I’d killed for him, I was nothing without him.

I was soaked to the bone by the time the cabin came back into sight and the rain was just coming down even harder but still I didn’t go inside, instead sinking down onto my knees in the mud in front of the porch steps.

I didn’t want to go in. My body bent until my forehead was in the mud too. I didn’t want to go in. I couldn’t.

I couldn’t.

I needed to leave, I couldn’t be here anymore, I was going to die, I wanted to die.  
/I don’t want to die/

The door opened and I could hear boots on the porch stopping just above me.

“What are you doing?” Came his voice, soft and unreadable.  
“B— Bad— Bad-d-d-dog.” Spat out between chattering teeth that I didn’t know if it was the cold or my fear causing it.

He stood there, leaving me to worry, my brain going wild with the possibilities of what was going to happen.

Would he beat me? Would he step on the back of my head and drown me in the mud? Drag me down to the river again and smash my body with his precious rocks until nothing was left?

Why Why WHY was he just standing there???

Shaking I dragged myself forward, daring to cower closer, a careful touch to his boot, fingers and then lips, waiting for him to kick my teeth in, willing to take it if it meant forgiveness.

Dan was so full of forgiveness.

He tugged his foot back with a quick jerk and I braced myself for the impact, surprised when it never came.

“Come inside.” He sighed turning around and leaving me again, but the door was open for me.

Dragging my crutch with me I crawled, back on the floor where I belonged, I was bad, I was a bad girl, either because I’d done something wrong, or even simply for the sin of not believing Dan when he’d told me I wasn’t a bad girl.

Either way I’d failed him, he’d made me perfect and I’d still failed.

Dan walked back into the main room where I’d stayed by the door because I didn’t know where else to go. I was wet and cold and desperate for anything that he would give me that would make me feel something, anything, beyond the disgusted pit of self loathing I was in.

“Take off your clothes.” His voice was still soft, no anger but also nothing else in it. I jumped to obey, as he ordered me into the bathroom I stayed on the floor, feeling his eyes on me but refusing to look up at him.

“In.”

The bath was filled with steaming hot water, it was a gorgeous tub, more than big enough for two people, this cabin more than obviously designed for the most romantic of get-aways it was basically an indoor hot tub, jets and all.

I bit my lip hard taking a deep steadying breath before getting in. Was this my punishment? Would he just play with me, hold me under until I struggled and clawed at him and then let me up? Or would he hold me down until my struggles stopped?

I got in but the heat didn’t relax me at all, balled up my hands went back into my hair scratching deep against my scalp, pulling out a few strands by the roots, so intent on my own self flagellation that I didn’t even notice Dan getting undressed until he got into the water with me.

Gentle hands stopped me from yanking out my hair, soothing fingers massaging shampoo into it, trailing down my neck, digging his large thumbs along my shoulders to force me to open up. Gradually he got me to relax, finally pulling my back against his chest, long arms wrapped around me, his chin resting on my shoulder.

“I was going to give her that ring, the night she broke my heart.” He started speaking and I listened ever so carefully. “A part of me will probably always love her, although she didn’t really deserve it. I’m sorry I made you sad, it wasn’t your fault, you didn’t know.”

He spoke then, of this woman he loved, how he had wanted her for years, how he wooed her and she played with him, how she crushed him and left him, and how many years it took him to build himself back up after her.

How when she’d left him she ripped out his heart throwing all his worst insecurities at him, how she taunted and told him he was a nobody who was going nowhere, and she was too good for the likes of him.

I turned my head to look at him, shocked and heartbroken at how anyone would be so cruel to someone like him. 

A cloying darkness in me demanding retribution for such slander, red pulsing creeping along my fingertips.

I took my anger and instead pressed my lips to his, firm and hard, more teeth than tenderness but trying to do something with the rage in me. He grinned, pressing his lips to my forehead in return and petting at my face gentle and calming, settling me back against his chest. 

“Oh Puppy, thank you, it’s okay. It hurt, it may always hurt a little, but really it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I found myself in that pain, I made myself better, stronger, and she learned just how wrong she was. A pretty face, money, success? That shit doesn’t matter, and you can’t take important things like love and the people around you for granted, you have to be grateful to everything in your life. But some people don’t like learning, people like that think that life should be easy.”

Dan shook his head and sighed giving me a tight squeeze.

“If it wasn’t for her then I would have never met you. And you- You’re my good girl right? You like learning right?”

I nodded, I knew gratitude at every lesson he gave, how important each one was.

“God you really are such a good girl. Look at you, even when you haven’t done anything wrong you still want me to teach you don’t you?” His hands ran down my arms where the red scratches I had given myself were still visible. I nodded again, a little slowed because I knew if I was to learn I needed these things, but every lesson he gave me was hard.

“I’m going to show you everything tonight Babygirl. God, I love you so much.”

For as gentle as he was being, I shook.

The morning storm had now become a hurricane, and I was caught in the middle of it.


	12. The River

I heard him calling to me through my dreams, his voice gentle but insistent, sweet and soft.

Rolling over towards him I reached to wrap my arm around him, hoping to maybe get a few more precious seconds of oblivion, only to be jolted awake by how cold he was.

Opening my eyes I registered that it wasn’t Dan next to me, but instead a familiar pale face, bloated staring at me in the dim light through the window. I screamed, half awake paranoid, nightmarish thoughts flooding my mind.

She had followed us here! She was dead and yet still had followed us here to get her revenge.

Dan’s laughter brought me back from the brink of insanity, his amused giggles pushing me away from horror to feelings of confusion and maybe a slight layer of embarrassment.

“Sorry Baby, but that was fucking funny.” He giggled putting a hand over his own mouth trying to stifle his laughter and wipe away the smile, he had a face that was made to be happy so how could I be angry when he had a hard time keeping himself serious. Still I couldn’t help but scramble out of the bed and stumble as far away as I could before my legs gave out.

“How? Why? Why is she here?”

“Aww is Baby mad that she’s cutting in on our romantic getaway?”

I looked away, he was mocking me but he wasn’t wrong. I was a little miffed that she was here, I supposed it made sense, he wouldn’t have wanted a body left in the house for who knew how long rotting away, and he certainly didn’t have time to dispose of it the night before we’d left.

He laughed at my sulking and tisked.

“Well she’s your mess, so you’re the one who has to clean her up. I thought maybe, maybe it would be nice to finally give my ex a little company y’know? Show you off a little, show her how much better you are.” His voice was a dark purr as he came closer to help me to my feet.

“Your… Ex?”

“Out at the river, that’s where I buried her.”

The stones I’d knocked over.  
The ring he’d been so possessive of.

“And I have to…” I looked at the body laying on the bed, no thoughts in my head because I didn’t even know where to begin with what to do with her. Somewhere, there was a memory of how to do this, blood and guts, tearing flesh and cracking bones.   
I swallowed hard as bile rose in my throat.

“Of course you do, did you forget that you’re the one who did this? I didn’t help you at all, not like the first one.” Dan’s voice was patient but with an edge, a warning that if I didn’t catch on soon there would be consequences. “We clean up our own messes, and this is your mess.”

He was right of course, Dan was always right. He’d given me the choice with her, she could have been free while we were enjoying out vacation, she could have even been locked in the basement waiting for us to get back, but instead I’d done that.

I’d killed her.

“But how…” I didn’t mean to question him, to be asking so many things, to be acting so stupid, but I had no idea what to do, or mostly what idea’s I had I didn’t want them to be there. His hands rubbed along my arms making me realize that I was shaking. 

“It’s okay,” He soothed his voice gentle and calm. “We’ll take things one step at a time. Step one, get dressed okay?”

Step two was to put on my shoe.  
Step four out the door.  
Step five glad to be alive.  
Step six don’t trip on sticks…

I was leading this time, not really in front but holding the flashlight, showing Dan the way through the dark path in the middle of the night as we walked along. He was being so kind carrying her for me.

Carrying her because…

“She’s dead, isn’t she?”

I stopped on the path, he’d taken two steps forward and stopped to look back at me while I softly questioned why we were out here. I knew she was dead, I should have known, the memory was there in my head, the reality of it all, and yet it seemed so distant, like I wasn’t really here, or she wasn’t, or it was just a dream or a movie.

“If she’s not I’d really like her to get up n’walk, she’s kinda fucking heavy.”

I raised my flashlight looking at her waiting for a response, seeing Dan roll his eyes. “Yes she’s dead.”

I nodded and kept walking beside him, letting that sink in, how did she die again? Dan said she was my mess, she was wasn’t she? I couldn’t really remember, when was this? Why did I kill her? She’d made me so angry but that didn’t seem very important anymore.

I jumped as Dan grabbed my arm, his grip tight and a little painful, he must have said something and I missed it.

“We’re here, this way.” He repeated himself, his voice low with warning.

He hated repeating himself.

This was where his help stopped.   
He sat down next to his pile of rocks, fiddling with his own pile but leaving me to push rocks out of the way, digging into the soil under it. It was slow work, my legs hurt, my hands hurt, I was shaking with the effort but every time I looked back at Dan he was just staring blankly, giving maybe a nod or a cock of his head, spurning me on to keep working.

I stopped once the hole was up to my knees, maybe two or so feet deep and two or three feet wide.

Six feet under was where people were supposed to be buried right?

I wasn’t sure if I could keep going that long.

“Are you done?”  
“Should-Should it be deeper?”  
“It’s your body to bury, make it as deep as you want.”

I looked around my hole, water was starting to seep up turning the soil underneath into heavy mud, if I dug any deeper then I’d be mostly digging water so this would have to be okay, right?

“Yeah I… I guess.”   
“Well put her in then. Finish up or the sun’ll be up and you’ll have to explain this to any early morning hikers or fishermen.”

I felt my heart skip in panic, he was right, we were out in the open where anyone could walk by and then what would I do? Dan might be able to run, get back to the car and leave before anyone caught or identified him but I’d have no such luck, I’d never overpower anyone either.

Crawling out I went to the body, laying there nude in the moonlight. Dan had dressed her while he’d carried her, and undressed her once we’d arrive, her skin was so white and although I was tired I was still scared, like she would sit up at any moment and yell at me for what I’d done to her, her once beautiful body now mangled, skin hanging, bits poking to the surface. 

Dan must have sprayed all the blood off her but I could still see it in my memory, a red pool surrounding her, the darkness of the night leaking from her covering everything.

She was so pretty in life and now she was dead, she was nothing. 

Dragging her into the hole I tried not to look at her, not wanting to see what she was now, not wanting to think about what she’d become. How she would bloat and rot, how her body would stink and worms would feed on her pretty flesh until she was nothing but dirts and bones and her beauty would become a faded memory in time. I stuffed her down into that muddy darkness, laying on her side she looked less broken, a little more like she was sleeping, and yet more broken, muddy, dirty, dead.

Very dead.

Crawling out I looked up at Dan, he’d gotten up and was now carefully picking his way around my hole, inspecting the work, watching me as I arranged the body to be tucked away forever.

He smiled at me, helping me up to my feet and I felt a strange sense of deja’vu as I felt my world tilt backwards, a strange almost flying sensation before the pain of an impact that knocked the air out of me, the dim and distant realization that he’d pushed me back into the hole on top of her.

Gasping for air it took me a second to register that I was pressed against her disgusting dead body, her cold form crawled against my overheated skin. Struggling to get up, blind with fear she grabbed me, pulling me back down to her, holding me against her while I kicked and screamed.

She wanted me to stay with her, I killed her and now she wanted me to stay.

I screamed and kicked, begging her to let me go hearing her laugh and laugh until my face exploded in pain that made my teeth rattle snapping me back to reality, seeing a grinning Dan over me, holding me down, pinning me against her, mashing my face into the ground next to her so I could look at her.

“Look at her. LOOK. AT. HER.” He commanded, “Why are you crying? Are you scared or something?”

I sobbed as a reply, I was scared, of her or of him I wasn’t sure but I felt nothing beyond pure terror. Would he bury me here with her? Would he make me watch her as she rotted?

“She’s not looking at you with resentment anymore, she’s not beautiful anymore, look at her, she’s nothing.” His hand clenched into my hair pushed my face even closer to hers, until my nose was pressed into her cheek, her hair ticking my face. “You’re scared? Imagine how scared she must have been! You did that. YOU did it!”

I yelped as he lifted my head to slam it back into the dirt. “SAY IT.”

“I-I did that.”

“That’s right, you’re the one who killed her. Isn’t that right?”

His grip tightening on my hair again got me to spit out a fast “Yes! I did it! I did it!”

He let go then, I felt his weight settle on me, still pinning me crushed against her body but shifted to be more comfortable for him, maybe even for me. 

“Do you want to regret it now? After she was so mean to you, lying about you? Do you already forgive her for trying to take me away from you?”

I shook my head, cowering and covering my face, not wanting to see him, not wanting to see her. Did I regret this?  
Maybe… I was scared, I felt strange and sick but did I really regret it?

“Baby, Baby open your eyes, look at her, come here-“ He pulled at my hands, forcing me up, arranging me as he wanted in his lap now all while cooing sweet words at me.   
“Look at her Babygirl, just look. You were nothing before, a no one, empty and powerless, but look at what you’ve done Love, you stood up for yourself, you fought to be with me, you’re really someone now.”

I looked, first to him because he felt safe now to look at, how he was smiling at me, no malice in him any longer, his face so proud as he coaxed me to stare at her, to really take in what I’d done.

He was right, I’d done that, but he was proud of me for it. She had been trying to take him away from me and I’d stopped her, she was a bad greedy person and I’d put an end to her, she was all the things I was scared of, I was envious of, and now she was nothing but worm food.

And I was…  
I was here in Dan’s arms, being rocked by him, being whispered sweet things to by him, being kissed along the neck.

She had no power here, I did.

That dark part of myself, that strange metallic rush drifted through me, cutting off my tears and gently pushed away that fear.

“No…” I whispered pushing myself close to him but not for protection, now I just wanted to feel him because he was there, the tingling rush of another body pressed close. “No I don’t regret it.”

Dan’s head cocked to the side, pushing me away he looked down at me, needing to see into my eyes in the dim light of the breaking dawn. 

“I will never regret having you in my life.” I whispered to him, not backing down from his stare, glad to see as tears welled up in his eyes, his face full of love and adoration.

Bending down low he kissed me, uncomfortably draping us over the body of the woman I killed, it was disgusting how even in death she was in the way, but she was nothing now as she had been in life, a small annoyance as he pushed himself against me with nothing but love and tenderness, worshipping me in the shallow grave I had dug.

When he was done he let me sit and watch him while he buried her, moving quickly to cover the body with dirt and rocks with a renewed energy, holding my hand as we sat on the bank watching the sun climb up over the mountaintops before walking back, dirty, exhausted...

And in love.


End file.
